How to Choose to Lead With Joy with Danny Williamson

Episode 97

Danny Williamson is a communicator, humorist, Navy veteran, and poet who’s absolutely passionate about joy. He has more than sixteen years of leadership and ministry experience serving in the U.S. Navy, as a co-founder of a non-profit mission organization, as a church planning missionary in Argentina, and as an associate pastor in California.

Danny has a bachelor’s degree in Religion and a master’s degree in Executive Leadership. He is also the author of the recently released book called Where’s the Joy?: An Invitation to Look Up, Reach Out, and Experience Life’s Greatest Treasure.

In this episode, Danny discusses the three main professional activities he’s currently involved in, how he manages his time to allow room for all the things he does, how he became interested in the topic of joy, the importance of understanding that we have a choice to be joyful and to bring joy to those around us, the four main choices we make that impact our joy and the joy of others, how we can choose to be more grateful, the value of bringing joy into our leadership style, how a nun taught him one of the greatest lessons of leadership, the power of listening, and more!

Mentioned in this episode:

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Transcript

Hey, hey!  It’s Andrea and welcome to the Voice of Influence podcast! Today, you’re going to enjoy a lot.  I’ve got Danny Williamson who is a Communicator, Humorist, Navy Veteran and Poet, who is absolutely passionate about joy.  He has more than 16 years of leadership and ministry experience serving in the U.S. Navy, a Co-Founder of a non-profit mission organization, a church-planting missionary in Argentina and an associate pastor in California.  His educational background includes a bachelor’s degree in religion and a master’s degree in executive leadership.  And he is the author of the recently released book called Where’s theJoy?

Andrea:  And it is great to have you with us here today on the Voice of Influence podcast, Danny!

Danny Williamson:  Oh, thanks for having me, Andrea.  It’s a real honor and joy to be here.

Andrea:  It’s awesome! OK, I really want to dive into your book, but before we do that, let’s kind of give the listener a little context.  So you play a few different roles in your life.  Can you share with us the main, I guess, career things that you’re doing right now?

Danny Williamson:  Absolutely. The number one thing I love to do is motivational speaking, which ties in with authoring this book as well.  And the passion behind that is to awaken joy in everyday life, both in my life and those I’m communicating with that a sense of joy is being awakened in their life through that.  The other thing I’m involved in is called the Collective Global.  It’s a cultural consulting firm, where we help teams and companies, organizations, non-profits, large corporations, small startups; you name it.

I really help them with a simple path that we have that enhances their performance and improves team satisfaction as well as customer satisfaction and even the long term result as an increase of profit.  So, it’s exciting to do that and then come alongside teams and champion them in their efforts and help them communicate better and work with greater levels of creativity.

The third thing I do is I’m an executive director for a non-profit faith-based organization called Speaking Louder that was founded by the Christian music artist, Jeremy Camp.  And really the mission for that is to declare the hope of Jesus throughout the world with music, testimony, and service.  So those are the three main jams that I’m part of.

Andrea:  And how in the world do you have time in your life for all of these things?

Danny Williamson:  Yeah, that’s a good question.   Sometimes, it feels a little scattered.  But really, it comes down to planning out my week and just having in line what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, and strengthening those relationships that I have as well as trying to be a good dad and a good husband.  So, it all kind of ties together, but it works out.  There’s always a way.

Andrea:  Yeah.  You know, that really gets me thinking about how people do this sort of thing, like how you schedule your life or schedule these various different aspects of…do you have a system?  That is such a weird question, but do you just kind of regularly look at what you have going on and then put it into place?  How do you make sure that you tackle all the right things at the right time?

Danny Williamson:  Yeah, that’s a great question.  Ultimately, it comes down to the start of my day.  I really try not to look at what I have for the day.  You know, the first hour of my day, I really don’t even look at my phone other than my alarm clock.  And I really try to set that early part of my day as almost a quiet time, whether it’s sitting on my front porch with a cup of coffee or even sitting in my kitchen at a bar stool there and just kind of setting my heart right for the day.

I’ve been doing that for, I would say, 20 plus years every morning.  And it sets the pace for the day then 0my thoughts are organized.  I’m not trying to clutter in and jam in as soon as I wake up everything I have to do.  And then once I have that early quiet time in the day then when I am ready to look at those tasks, it’s much more organized in thought.  I’m not going at it frantically like, “OK, this is what needs to be done.”

When it does come time to looking at those things I need to accomplish throughout the day, I’m a big checkbox guy.  I love having that little square next to, you know, things I need to do and just go through one at a time and kind of prioritize them and then go from there and check them off as I go.

My wife discovered this about me early on in our relationship that I’m a checkbox guy, so she realized if she wants me to get things done around the house, she needs to put a check or like a box next to it and then I’ll get it done because it drives me crazy when it’s just open space and I need to check it off.

Andrea:  Sure.  Well, you know, overwhelm is such a killer of joy.  So just the fact that you have a system, you have this way of doing things that frees you so that you can, can enjoy life is a pretty big deal.

Danny Williamson:  Absolutely, yeah.  Coffee helps too.

Andrea:  OK, so tell us a little bit about why you got interested in this topic of joy in the first place.  Why did you decide that this would be the book?  What was the thing that you yeah, yeah.

Danny Williamson: Yeah.  I began to realize that joy is something we all want.  I’ve yet to meet a person in this world, and I’ve traveled over 35 different countries.  I’ve yet to meet a person in this world who doesn’t want joy.  And I’ve had seasons in my life where I’ve been in valleys or I’m just wondering, “Hey, where is this joy in my own life?”  And I realized I’m not the only one who wants it.  So everybody in this world wants it.

I want it, and so I created this desire in me like, you know, I want to start awakening joy in everyday life because if we have joy on the inside happening in our inner man and who we are as a person, as a human being, then that’s going to affect the joy we have in our home setting.  And then if we enjoying our home, that’s going to result in joy at work, whatever we’re doing for our career.  So it starts in the inside then it transfers into our home and then it transfers into our work and our leadership environments.

And so this word to Joy, I think a lot of people too identify joy.  They hear it and they just think it’s rainbows and hula hoops and Cheerio’s and Easter bunnies and all those things, which yet it is but it’s so much more.  And I’ve found it to be the secret sauce of leadership.  It’s what keeps people going with their purpose and motivates even our passions this idea of joy because joy really is a strength.  It lightens the load, if you will.  And we’re able to get things done in a more efficient manner, I think when there’s a skip in our step and even a smile on her face.

So, there’s just a lot of power in joy.  And thus I was like, “Let’s dive into this.”  And me writing this book wasn’t this bucket list idea I was like, “Hey, you know what, there’s really something to this, this message of joy.”  And I began to see it everywhere.  I mean, even McDonalds is using the word joy in there tagline now.  So joy is just this desire that everybody’s really…they have a desire for it and a lot of times we don’t even realize it.  And so I want to wake in joy in everyday life.

Andrea:  You know, one of the things that we’re just talking about, it really flips motivation on its head.  So it seems to me like what typically happens is that we are driven by work, which then impacts how we feel at home.  And you’re saying, start from the inside and go to work so that your joy impacts or your attitude, whatever it might be, but hopefully it’s a joyful one, impacts your work instead of letting your work drive how you feel at home.  I love that!

Danny Williamson:  Exactly, exactly.  Yeah, you nailed it.  And also I realized that joy isn’t necessarily something we can go out and choose like, “Hey, I0 wanna be happy today.”  I call it as a beautiful byproduct of life’s most important choices.  So if we’re making choices, which I can talk about in a second, but if we’re making specific choices, like love for example, you know, if I’m making a choice to love, then the byproduct of that is this joyful life.

So there are a lot of other things, vulnerability and community and things that I talk even throughout the book.  But, it’s these choices that we make in life that contribute to our joy, which ultimately will contribute to helping our careers that will help how we operate at work. It won’t make a burdensome work environment.

Andrea:  OK, so before we go on into the choices, let’s just talk about why it’s so important that we believe that we have a choice?

Danny Williamson:  Yeah, yeah, because life is really about choices.  When you say that it comes down to, we have these choices in life that are presented before us and how is this choice going to affect this person.  How is this choice going to affect my employees if I’m in a leadership position?  And so how are we going to narrow down?  What are these vital choices that I need to make?  How is this going to impact?

I’m a big fan too when it comes to choices.  I don’t know if you’ve read Man’s Search for Meaningby Viktor Frankl, but I’m a big fan of that logo therapy types of thought where you’re looking at your life backwards in a sense of like, OK, if I’m 80 and if I’m looking at my life as if I was 80, would I be making the same choices I’m thinking about making right now?  So it really helps and contribute.

Andrea:  Yeah, I think that one of the most important things that you seem to be bringing to the table here in this discussion with joy is that people do have a choice to be joyful.

Danny Williamson:  Yeah.

Andrea:  And instead of feeling like this sort of the whole thing, and we were talking about just a minute ago with how work can make us feel a certain way then we carry out throughout our life instead of being the person that then has the agency and the ability to make a difference because we’ve made these choices.  And so what are some of these choices that we actually have that we may not even realize that we have?

Danny Williamson:  Yeah, I like to call them “dambusters” if you will, these choices.  And four main dambusters that I really try to narrow in on, the first would be vulnerability – choosing to be vulnerable.  And vulnerability, it’s more than transparency.  Transparency is letting the word out of who you are and being an open book.  But vulnerability goes even deeper to that where you actually beginning to let people inside.  You’re beginning to let people inside who you are.

For example, Donald Miller wrote a great book called Scary Close.  And in that he said, “How tragic would it be to come to the end of your life and you realize that those who loved you the most never really knew you.  They never knew the poems you had up your sleeve.  They never knew the dreams you had.”  And so this choice of vulnerability, it just has a way of breaking open this river of joy in our life.

It was Brene Brown who said, “Joy really is founded and the birthplace of joy is found in vulnerability.”  And so if we’re willing to be vulnerable, it opens up this wide world of joy.  So vulnerability is huge.  And this one’s a little bit tougher, but it goes more to the heart and this is the idea of forgiveness.  And a lot of times we can be so wrapped up with those who hurt us and made bad choices against us, and we’re not willing to let them go.  And so if we’re willing to forgive, it has this wonderful effect on our life in regards to joy.  And all forgiveness is just a release of those who have hurt us, releasing them.  It doesn’t mean what they’ve done to us is by any means right.  It’s very wrong what’s happened, but we just release them.

And then the third thing is community.  The reason I’m big on community is if you think about it in regards to laughter, it’s really hard to belly-ache laugh when you’re all alone.  We really need people, you know, and so if there’s going to be a sense of laughter and sense of joy in our life, we need to make this choice of community, like let’s not isolate ourselves.  And if we’re in a working environment, let’s not try to do everything ourself.  Let’s really connect with our employees.  Let’s have this relationship where we’re communicating well with one another and then let’s open up this wonderful door of joy.

And then the last thing is just gratitude, having an attitude of gratitude, if you will.  So that’s just a choice to be thankful; a thankful hearts, a joyful heart.  So let’s be thankful for what job we actually have.  You know, let’s be thankful for the position we have, whether we’re flipping burgers or up in a C-suite.  You know, let’s look at life for what it is and make that choice of gratitude.  It has a marvelous way of opening up a door of joy.

Andrea:  I’m curious what you would say to this question about how does somebody choose to be grateful?

Danny Williamson:  Uh, yeah.  It’s actually the subtitle of my book, you know, an invitation to look up and sometimes I just think we need to put our phones down and this is very practical way to be grateful.  Put our phones down because comparison is literally a thief of joy.  And when we have our phones and we’re stuck on our social media, and I like technology just as much as the next guy, I appreciate my iPhone all that kind of thing.  But at the same time, a simple way to just begin to operate this idea of gratitude is just to look up, “Wait a second, the sky’s blue today.”  “Oh my goodness!”

And you know a way to practice gratitude is showing how thankful you are for other people.  And I like to challenge people and like, “Hey, tell somebody, a stranger if you will, or tell an employee how awesome they are.”  You know, it’s amazing to see what happens to their face and their countenance just literally lights up when you say, “Hey, has anyone told you you’re awesome yesterday?” And they’re like, “No, well thank you! And you know, “You are!”  And I think our employees need to hear that.  Our coworkers need to hear that.  Our family members need to hear that.

You know, for example, “Andrea, you’re awesome!  You are.  You really are. You’re crushing it,” you know.  So people need to hear that and so that’s this whole idea of gratitude.  You just become to be thankful for those around you and it makes some marvelous impact on where you are.

Andrea:  It sounds like you’re saying something along the lines of do the thing that those people who are grateful do.  So it’s like you start with doing it so that maybe it’ll change the heart.

Danny Williamson:  Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, it’s absolutely true.  Now, if we’re to lead into like leadership, if you will, how these ideas of joy come into leadership.  Because you can look at joy as just a feeler and that kind of thing but something can happen when we can bring in joy into our leadership, how we lead.  If we’re able to lead with a joyful countenance, it’s much easier to follow than someone who’s there with a sledgehammer, will you agree?

Andrea:   So, so true!

Danny Williamson:  Yeah.  And so I think of a joyful bosses I’ve had.  I’m like, “Man, I want to keep working for you.  This is inspirational.”  And so that’s why we want to bring in, you know, in regards to consulting and those things like, “Hey, let’s bring this atmosphere of joy and helping even redefine this idea of joy.”  People think it just means like putt-putt golf in the lunchroom.  It’s like, “No, let’s go beyond that where it’s like there’s actually an attitude of joy.”

And this comes out through having things like the joy of grit, like there’s a joy and satisfaction of sticking to something.  You know, I think of navy boot camp and when I was in the navy and boot camp was rough.  I mean, I remember my drill instructor had tattoos up all the way up his neck wrapping around his ear.  And I’m like, “Man, this guy’s gnarly,” you know.  But I pressed on and made it through that boot camp and then went on to my next training and made it through that.  And then I was able to look back at the six years I spent in the navy, I was like, “You know what, that just taught me a lot of grit.”  And some of it was painful and some of it was so difficult, but there was such a joy in completing that work.

And so that’s what I call the joy of grit that we can really begin to apply for our leadership.  And then there’s the joy of gentleness, which I think we can forget about in leadership that there’s such power in just gentle leadership.  But the only way we can have a gentle approach in leadership is if we’re operating from a place of rest.  And that rest is so vital because you know, we can actually get so much more done if we operate from a place of rest than if we’re just striving and striving and striving and striving.

So if we can tap into this idea of rest, sometimes it’s literal rest, like are we taking our lunch break to just check on her phones and do all these things.  And as we’re taking a bite of salad we’re looking at our phone at the same time or we’re actually pausing in our day, you know.  Say, we have a 10 minute window, let’s step outside for a second, take a quick walk around the block of wherever our offices at or wherever it may be, and just get outside of that space we’re in and just to create some space in our head, that white space, if you will.

So that rest contributes to this joyful gentle leadership because if we’re tired, we’re going to be grumpy.  And so, we really need that sense of rest.  And then the last part I would say in attitude is when it comes to joy in leadership is the joy giving.  And I would say, one of the greatest lessons of leadership I ever learned came from a nun. I had the opportunity to sit next to a nun in an airplane for about two and a half hours and it was an amazing interaction.  She was humorous and she’s just really delightful to be around.

And what was interesting, I asked for her name and said her name was Beatrice.  That name actually means the joy giver.  So I was like, “Oh my goodness, I have to know more about this.” “So tell me what it means that joy for you.”  And really what it all came down to what I learned from her is the joy of giving.  I mean, she gave up everything and she lived a very, very just simple life and she lived in Ireland serving this small village, you know, community and it really narrowed it all down to the joy of giving.  She just found such treasure in giving.

So, if we, as leaders can just begin to give of ourselves, give of our hearts, give of our wisdom, give of our insight where we’re not afraid to give, there’s such joy in that. It really is better to give than to receive.

Andrea:  Well, I think especially when you really believed that there is plenty to give.

Danny Williamson:  Yeah, absolutely!  Like that nun didn’t have a penny to her name. She really didn’t, but she had so much to give.  And so, you know, giving is far than just writing a check, you know, let’s give of our time.  Let’s give of the treasures, the things we’re gifted with we know we’re good at, let’s give those things.  Let’s share those things.  We don’t just have to hoard it to ourselves so that we can climb the ladder.  Let’s give of those things to bring people on the ladder with us, if you will.

Andrea:  When you’re working with leaders in the Collective Global and you are helping them to incorporate joy into their team performance, do you have any practical sort of suggestions that somebody could maybe apply to their own team?

Danny Williamson:  Yeah.  One thing I ask and I keep it real simple and I would say is listening.  Just this simple art of listening is so vital to our leadership.  And that’s something we try to do whether it’s consulting, even in motivational speaking, there’s an atmosphere of listening that I need to do as a communicator, or in Speaking Louder in my non-profit, I need to be listening to what the culture needs if we’re going to do an effective mercy project.

So, it all comes down to this idea of listening.  It literally can save a team if a leader is just willing to stop for a second and telling all these people, do this, do this, do this.  He needs to stop or she needs to just stop and listen.

And one of our clients is really fascinating.  They have a CEO switch recently and the guy who is coming as a new CEO.  He’s created this thing he’s calling listening rooms where he’s actually creating an environment for teams to come in and he’s just sitting there quietly as the CEO listening, whatever they want to say, whether it’s event session, whether it’s a praise session, whatever it is.  He’s just opening up the door for people to talk. And in that, he is creating such an atmosphere of trust.  He’s showing him open to what you have to say.  He creates a sense of value.  You see when were listened to, we feel valued.  And so I just think there’s one word if we could just listen, it does so much. It might even save a life.

You know, a personal story real quick with me, I think of how my mom, when I was in my young teenage years, I really battled with some major depression and different things and even got to the point of contemplating suicide and those things.  I’ll never get what saved my life really was my listening mom.  She just sat next to me and just listened to my heartache, to my fears, to my girl problems, you name it.  She just listened.  And so listening can be so powerful in the home.  It can be so powerful at work.  The most effective leaders throughout the world are those who learned and tapped into the art of listening.

Andrea:  Very good.  Danny, you know, just the fact that you had been in that place at one time and now have come to the point of writing this book about joy and then letting this be your message is really powerful.  And I’m sure listeners, it’s a really important thing to understand that you have a choice, that you have the ability to make a change in how you’re feeling.  I guess I would suggest going out and getting this book and listening to what Danny has to say or reading what Danny has to say more about this and allowing your heart to be moved and to make these practical changes that you’re talking about, Danny, to do these things that could lead to the heart change.  That is really powerful!

Danny Williamson:  Uh-huh, thanks!

Andrea:  How can people get a hold of your book?

Danny Williamson:  Sure, sure.  It’s on Amazon.  It’s any place that you can order a book, you can find it.  A simple way to get in touch with me or to get a hold of the book or anything, it’s just go to my website, dannywilliamson.com and you can find the book there.  You can find your requests for speaking engagements there.  You can find out about are the Collective Global.  There’s a link there you can find out about Speaking Louder.  There’s a link there, so everything can kind of be narrowed down to dannywilliamson.com.

Andrea:  Awesome! And we will make sure that we have all of that information in the show notes so that people can quickly access that if they have any questions.  So, Danny, thank you so much for sharing your message with the Voice of Influence podcast listeners, and we wish you well on your book.

Danny Williamson:  Thank you so much, Andrea.  I really appreciate it.

 

END

If Your Dreams Don’t Scare You, They’re Not Big Enough

Dear Friends,

I keep writing and re-writing this post, looking for a clever way to say what I want to say this week. But the truth is, my mind and heart are on a different set of documents on my computer.
IMG_1566They are on the large sheets of paper taped up on my walls filled with ideas, connections, quotes, outlines and chapters.

Friends, I’m writing a book. My head has felt like a pressure cooker of thoughts and feelings growing and flowing around for a very long time. After watching Frozen on November 30th, 2013, I knew I needed to find a way to release everything cooking in my head. It took a year for me to let out my Frozen Top Ten” (Click here to read). Then after I did, my good friend Debbie sat me down and challenged me to write a book about it. I’ve been dreaming and setting my course in that direction since then.

Each week on this blog I open the top and release a tiny bit from that pressure cooker of a head of mine. I am relishing the opportunity to Let It Go through writing a book.

This book compares the epic journey depicted in Disney’s Frozen with my own dramatic experience searching for a way to authentically express myself while building connections rather than destroying them. I hope to inspire and challenge others to find, refine and release their own voice.  (Read this short post called Your Voice Matters…it really does.)

Your voice – what you say and how you say it – really does matter. If you are interested in helping me get this project off the ground and into the hands and hearts of others, here’s how you can use your voice to help make that happen.

1. Subscribe to my website. Thank YOU to those who already do! If you subscribed prior to July, 2015 you are not subscribed now because I changed my website – I apologize for the inconvenience! If you did not receive an email with this blog post, you are not subscribed.

I will be sending periodic updates and special information and materials to subscribers. Building a robust email list is one of the most important and difficult jobs for authors. Before you read anything else, go to the subscription form on the side or bottom of this post and type in your email address. Your voice matters when you support by subscribing.

2. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest. And if you think to yourself, “This post could help someone else,” please consider retweeting or reposting. It sounds minor, but I see the stats. When people interact with posts and share them, they reach thousands more people than I could reach on my own. Your voice matters on social media.

3. Pray. Writing is an exciting creative and introspective adventure. It’s thrilling and frightening and consuming. I have a rigorous, ambitious timeline. If you pray, would you consider praying for me in this process when you see my posts? I long to dig in, share with wisdom and connect deeply with others. Your voice matters to God.

Thank you for all of your support and encouragement. This is just the beginning. There are more exciting things on the horizon that I look forward to sharing with you in the near future!

Deeply,

Andrea Joy

I Don’t Want To Read This Post

Some Days.

Some days I don’t want to read.
Some days I don’t want to write.
Some days I want to go to the movies and eat popcorn and let someone else inspire.

Some days I don’t want to care.
Some days I don’t want to hope.
Some days I want to leave my sunglasses on and let someone else see the depths of others.

But other days I do read and write and care and hope.
And on those days I tend to the weeds growing through the foundation of my soul.
On those days as I soak in the sun, I plant and water and nourish and share the harvest of kindness, hope and love.

Because I don’t want to forget the other days on some days.
I care too much to let the some-day weeds overtake my other-days garden.
So on some days I walk slowly through the other-days beauty and try to remember the passion and power and joy of the other days.

And then I go to sleep praying that I’ll not forget to rest in the grace of the well-tended garden of the other days.

Rest in the garden

When I Should Feel Joy #5: Deeper Joy

We were sitting on the only furniture left in her late-grandma’s dimly lit nursing home room. She was back for the funeral and my friend invited me over so we could talk one-on-one with no kids around. Life-lived poignancy struck me. I suppose it was the perfect place to have a life-living conversation. This is how I remember it:

“Are you depressed?”

Well, I might be. I thought I would do better after having realized how I had been looking to others to make me feel valuable. We have really been doing well the past few months because of it…but I still feel rage when I feel overwhelmed.

“Do you enjoy your kids?”

Well…I love them. And there are moments I enjoy them but most of the time I feel frustrated by all their needs I am expected to meet. But I’m their mom. Isn’t that my job?

“Do you want to be angry at your kids or will you look back on this time of your life and wish you would have been able to enjoy it?”

Boom.

There’s nothing like end-of-life reminders to evoke right-now-life movement. Her question made me realize I didn’t want to live to survive, I wanted to live a life of deep joy alongside whatever pain would come. But I could not do it on my own. Something significant happened in my heart while at the spiritual direction class, as I described in my last post. I am so glad I didn’t miss the opportunity for inner growth in the middle of my pain. But nine months later, at the time my friend confronted me, I was still struggling.

That’s the thing about depression. There very well may be spiritual transformation in the middle of it, but if it’s been around long enough, our brains may need help to finally overcome it. Soon after our conversation, I began taking anti-depressants. Choosing to take or not take anti-depressants is a very personal decision. My goal was to utilize them to help me regain chemical balance while I continued to work on integrating more healthy practices into my life. Several months later I went off of the medication and through another transition into a new beginning: a life aware of how the choices I make daily impact my spiritual/mental health.

I had expectations about what it would be like to welcome our children into the world and raise them. Some of my expectations became sweet reality. But if I have learned anything through this season, I have learned that joy is not found in fulfilling the “should’s” of life. It is not something you feel just because it is your middle name. Joy is much deeper than that. It is the others-centered freedom and love released when I lean deep into pain and find that I am safe and Loved, just as I am.

Joy Is Deeper

Here are some final observations from my heart-experience with depression:

  1. Depression may be emotional and spiritual, but it is definitely practical and physical. Meds brought their own set of side effects that helped me get back on track but also made me ready to be done with them several months later. Every person is different – if your doctor recommends anti-depressants and you are willing, give them a chance and follow the doctor’s lead to try something else if the first option doesn’t work. I offer other friend-to-friend practical advise in my post 11 Steps to Prevent and Fight Depression.
  1. We needed our friends and family. I’m so glad my friend moved into my chaotic heart to help me realize I was still depressed. But I’m not sure how we would have made it to that point without the unwavering support and practical care from our extended family – especially my mom who stayed and helped care for us a lot those first few months. If you think someone might be struggling with depression, reach out and invite them to share themselves with you. And just as importantly, reach out to their spouse or care-giver who may need and appreciate support, as well. Perhaps you want to utilize the discussion points in the 11 Steps to Prevent and Fight Depression as a place to begin.

Has this series been meaningful or helpful to you in any particular way? Are you left with questions unanswered or things with which you disagree or would like to add to the discussion? Leave a comment below, message me on Facebook or email me at awenburg@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you.

Deeply,

Andrea Joy

When I Should Feel Joy #1: Unprepared

When I Should Feel Joy #2: Postpartum Depression

When I Should Feel Joy #3: Shame

When I Should Feel Joy #4: True Love

When I Should Feel Joy #5: Deeper Joy

11 Steps to Prevent and Fight Depression

When I Should Feel Joy #1: Unprepared

After my initial post Frozen Top Ten”, a few beautiful people asked me to share more about my experience with depression – specifically, post partum depression. My reflections on this story are too long for one blog post. This is not just for women. It is not just for parents. I offer this series in honor of anyone who suffers and feels alone. And I offer it to those who might have experienced or have loved ones experiencing difficulties as young parents.

Our experience having our first child was joyful. Yes, we went to the hospital and were sent home and then induced the next day. Yes, I had back labor and eventually had an epidural. Yes, the epidural helped half of my back more than the other half. But, YES! We were rested and ready! We were very excited to welcome Amelia into the world to the tune of “Testify to Love.” Happy. For a long time, there was happy.

Then around December in our second pregnancy, I was incredibly uncomfortable. The demands of my body and a 1 ½ year old were wearing on me. Looking back, I believe this is where depression set in. Five months later, it was time to have our second baby. We went in for a check up one morning and were told to come back to the hospital around 5:00 p.m. so they could induce and deliver that night. We didn’t think much of the request at the time. Our doctor would conveniently be on call and my body was indicating that it was a good time. We started the process around 6. I settled into the whirlpool and Aaron settled into the Lakers game. What came next was fast and furious. I realized very quickly that I wanted the pain meds I had previously hoped to do without. And I wanted them BAD. They never came. I will spare you the details.

Here’s what I felt I lost in the next few hours:

  • My voice. I had plans for how this birthing process would work, but when things got rolling, nurses were (what felt like) dragging me to the bed and telling me what to do. I felt like they were making decisions for me. They acted like the epidural would come, even though they knew it was too late. I felt like a child.
  • My emotional stability. It took me a few months to realize this, but I discussed it with a friend-psychologist and we determined that I likely had a panic attack during labor. I literally thought I would AND thought it would be better if I would just die in labor. I feel bad even saying that. But it’s true. I’m going to say it because maybe I’m not the only one.
  • My dignity. I felt incredibly exposed and ashamed of my volume, tone and word choice as I cried out and writhed in pain.
  • My self-respect. When all was said and done, I felt I had failed this natural birth thing. I didn’t overcome anything or feel empowered like some women do. I felt dragged and beaten and terrified and discarded. That is also really hard to say.              *Big Breath*
  • My ability to move. For a long time (maybe an hour, I don’t really know) after birth, I couldn’t relax my awkwardly positioned body. I continued to experience pain after pain and I didn’t have the wherewithal to ask for pain medication for quite some time.
  • My husband’s respect. This is a tough one, but it is real. I felt my loss of control had embarrassed him. I couldn’t look him in the eye for fear of the disappointment I was sure I would see.
  • Sleep. Grant was born at 11:45 p.m. They took us to our room around 1:00 a.m. and I did not sleep. I lay there tense and in shock, all night long. No one knew. I didn’t sleep well for months.

The next couple of days in the hospital were a struggle as I attempted to feel and act like I felt as joyful as I did when Amelia was born. One nurse caught me in a weak, tearful moment and gruffly asked, “Are you depressed?!” I pulled it together enough to sternly pronounce, “No. I am a counselor. I would know if I were depressed.”

She backed off.

And I backed into my shell.

I pray you will tuck these insights into your heart:

  1. I rejected help. I think I was so embarrassed from the experience that I refused to accept or seek help. I closed up like a clam – hard and tight. But I was a wreck on the inside. If you feel as I did, please open yourself to help. Reach out to someone you trust in your head – even if your heart feels it can’t trust at all. 
  1. I was unable to be my own advocate. Sometimes people break down and are unable to speak for themselves – even “strong” people. We were not prepared for this to happen. If you know someone who is closed like a clam, be curious! They may act like they don’t want your help, but if you offer it tenderly, confidently, respectfully and consistently; they just might let you in.
  2. Joy is what I felt I should feel after giving birth, so I hid my pain. But honestly, most women struggle. My expectations for what “I should feel” made it harder to accept the pain and sadness I experienced.

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Our beautiful, worth-every-bit-of-it kids (a few years back).


Friends,

Working on this piece reminds me how troubling this season of our parenting experience was. It has been a while since I shared this intensely personal and vulnerable story with anyone. I believe that is why most parents do not share their emotionally traumatic birthing stories or the pain they experience afterward.

I believe that is why I must.

I do not claim to be an expert in the area of depression. I share my reflections of our experience but if you are concerned that you or a loved one is depressed, please inform your doctor (or encourage them to inform theirs) – especially if you are pregnant.

Love,

Andrea Joy

When I Should Feel Joy #1: Unprepared

When I Should Feel Joy #2: Postpartum Depression

When I Should Feel Joy #3: Shame

When I Should Feel Joy #4: True Love

When I Should Feel Joy #5: Deeper Joy

11 Tips to Prevent and Fight Depression