Stepping Out of Self-Shame: Part 2

It happened again. I messed it all up. I let down some of the people I care about most last week by not paying attention to the details. It wasn’t that I intentionally blew my husband or my friend off, but I didn’t execute tasks with the kind of precision they required and I ended up putting more stress on people I care about. Ugh. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be the wife and friend you can’t count on.

Man, it’s tempting to let the old self-shaming talk drive me into a hole.

sun hat

“He would have been better off with a woman who wouldn’t screw up like this!”

“Why would she want me around if I keep letting her down?”

I’ve said these things before. But as soon as those thoughts started to enter my mind this time, I shook my head and said, “NO! I am exactly the wife Aaron needs. And I am a good friend in other ways. I’m not going to shame myself into hiding and resentment. No. I’m going to keep engaging with them because I care about them.”

The first goal when stepping out of self-shame is to step into the light of love and see the situation for what it is as I described in Part 1 (Click here)  but what do we do next?

2. Take responsibility for your short-comings. Ask forgiveness when forgiveness is needed and help when help is needed.

Do I need to ask for forgiveness or do I need to ask for help in a situation like this? Honestly, I’ve studied and analyzed this stuff for years and I’m still not completely sure. Some people pay great attention to details and they follow through with intense commitment. I put my intensity in other places – like working through relational and theological issues and being incredibly present with people in their pain. Do others need forgiveness when they aren’t there for me in these ways that are important to me?

Maybe we all need to be more free with our apologies, less offended by others and lavish grace on each other even when we don’t deserve it.

My struggle with the lack of discipline when I am distracted feels like a never-ending battle.

I can’t promise I’ll do better next time, but what can I do?

I need to help my future self. I can’t just assume I’ll do better next time because as leadership and strengths coach Laurie Hock says, “You’ve got to have a plan. You can’t just say you’ll respond differently because it’s unlikely you will without a plan of an alternative positive action.” So how can I take responsibility in a proactive way so I really am less likely to put undue stress on others next time? I can think of two important points:

  1. Live within my limitations. We all have limits to our time and energy and I am no exception. I am not able to do everything I want to do or think I should do. I should offer to do only what I am willing to invest my time and energy in doing. Saying yes to one thing means saying no to something else. What will I say yes to?
  1. Manage my weaknesses. We all have responsibilities and we don’t want to write them off by saying “I’m not good at this, so I can’t do it.” After I get specific about what I will and will not commit to doing, I need to figure out how to manage my weaknesses. When I choose to take on a responsibility, I need to own it. Then I can plan ahead and figure out what safeguards I can put in place to try to head off the mistakes I made last time.

IMG_4775This time I decided I needed to apologize to both people. And in the future, I need to be more aware when I feel distracted while discussing details. If I’m distracted I need to choose which thing to think about in the moment and figure out when I will give my attention to the other thing. I simply cannot multi-task my thoughts because then I end up multi-tasking people. And that is not acceptable.

I am so grateful for the people who allow me into their lives. And I am grateful that we can have hard conversations when I need to take responsibility for my wrong-doing and my mistakes. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times – relationships are messy! Life is messy. I am messy.

But I am loved. I have a lot to offer the people I love and I’m going to keep offering it, even when I mess up. More on that next time…

How do you know when to ask for forgiveness and when to ask for help? What safeguards do you put in place around your weaknesses? Answer in the comments below or on Facebook.

Self-Shame Series:

The Prerequisite to Empowering Others

Stepping Out of Self-Shame: Part 1

The Day I Realized I Was Hurting Myself (Part 3)

Thank you for subscribing and sharing this post on social media. Let’s help each other out of self-shame and into a life of love.

Book Impact: Schema of a Soul

Two years ago on Novemer 22st, Aaron and I traveled to Lincoln, Nebraska for Kimberlye Berg’s Schema of a Soul book launch party. It wasn’t just any old party or launch of a book. It was a sacred moment in time, set aside to honor the life and memory of a young man and woman lost tragically in a car accident, years before. It was a sacred space, set aside to hold the terrible-beautiful reality of suffering families and a mother who emurged from years of struggle with an offering: words that artfully and authentically tell how she found a love that is stronger than death.

I met Kimberlye Berg at Dr. Larry Crabb’s School of Spiritual Direction in 2011. I tend to be curious about quiet, introspective people. Kim had me burning with a curiosity that was left unfulfilled that week, but a year later that changed. I was in town and I wondered if she would want to have coffee.Kim & I
We ended up sharing the morning and a few tears together. When I left, I walked out the door with a precious gift – the first few chapters of a book she was writing. I read it all in one sitting that night in our hotel room. I felt strangely cleansed in the remnants of salty tears and trembling sobs. The offering of her mother-heart revived the decaying corners of my own. Schema of a Soul reminded me that I’m alive. And I need to live like it.

Since then we have become good friends with Kim and Jim, staying in each other’s homes and sharing in each other’s experience of writing, family and business. Kim taught me how to make the most amazing bagels and I facilitated a few of her speaking engagements. When I couldn’t decide where to focus my writing efforts, she steered me back toward Frozen. It is a rich friendship, despite the distance between us. That is why I chose Kim’s book to be the first book I feature in the Book Impact series on this blog.

Schema of a Soul

In this book, Kimberlye Berg shares about the deep relational and spiritual struggles she faced with her family when they lost their oldest son/brother in a car accident. She writes to her husband, reflecting on their experience and utilizing beautiful metaphors from his experience in architecture.

Kim gave me the opportunity to share my endorsement in the book:

When the raging winds of pain below, we yearn for a safe shelter for our souls. The beautiful tapestry of practical and spiritual connections woven in schema of a soul wrapped securely around the reader, offering connection where there is isolation, vision where there is chaos, and faith where there is doubt. Whether you seek to understand and comfort those who mourn or you were aware of your own pain, nestle in. And may sacrificial love demonstrate the truth of it strength in you. p.9

Quotes from the Book

IMG_5437Seldom can you know what time last words will come to you. All words hold the potential of being last words. p. 23

He suggested we were being invited to enter into a place where, if we would go, could lead us to knowing God in ways we never had before. It would be hard. Uncomfortable. Take time. Or. We could try to get back into life the best we could. Fill the pain with work, Getting over it, and moving on. We would need to choose. One or the other.

It is a daunting thing to feel and seriously wrestle with intense pain deep within your soul, intense questions regarding everything you thought you believed about God. Many of us go to great extent in trying to evade soul pain, as if that would be the most noble choice. We focus instead on being busy. We are very busy, proud people, and we desperately want to be happy people, not sad. p.64

Pain and heartache are indescribable to someone who has never been inside of them. There was absolutely nothing anyone could do to make us feel better. That was the wrong battle, and we intuitively knew it deep within. p.64-65

We have been soaking wet and all drenched in ugly together, but in our weeping we have been been discovering the more that transcends the pain. p.136

 

Share this post on social media and comment to let me know you did. Please let me know if you share! You will be entered to win a copy of Schema Of A Soul.

 

Questions for the author, Kimberlye Berg

I would love for you each to meet Kim. Here are some wise thoughts from her about pain and loss.

2014_sept_kb_01-21. What one thing do you want us to remember when we face deep pain and loss?
I hope you remember this: Embrace pain and sorrow as an invitation to know and relate with God in this holy place. It is in this place that He does some of his deepest work in forming you, shaping you, sculpting your soul. Enfold yourself in what it really means that God loves you with an eternal love. A sacrificial love that has battled death and emerged stronger than death. He invites you to know and love Him in this place, to love others as He has loved you. Seeking soul to soul spiritual affection, you are invited into the fullest of relational soul to relational soul life even in the emptiest of places.

2. What can we do to support our friends and family when the face deep pain and loss?
I hope you will not put the burden on them to make you feel better because you want to “help” them. One of the most common comments is ” I don’t want to make you cry…” Like it is you that will make them cry. Realize your words can be subtlety demanding. If I sense you are not afraid to be with me where I am in my pain, I will feel some sense of hope. This will cost you something. You may need to think hard about what that is. Think in terms of being “with” rather than of “helping.”

Book and Author Information

For questions or more information about Kim, please click the following links. And if you read Schema of a Soul, please consider posting a review on Amazon.com.

Purchase Schema of a Soul: (Click Here)

Invite Kimberlye Berg to speak to your church or event: (Click Here)

Follow Schema of a Soul on Facebook: (Click Here)

 

This is a beautiful video tribute to Michael and Courtney made by Kim’s daughter, Megan Berg.

 

19 January 2013 from Megan Berg on Vimeo.

Escape Life or Invest In It?

Sometimes the days run together and I feel overwhelmed. I see pictures of couples headed to the beach and I’m reminded of my secret hope. When we got married we honeymooned in Estes Park. Not the honeymoon destination of dreams, really. But we had a good time and in the back of my mind I secretly thought, I’ll get him to a beach on our 10th Anniversary.

IMG_2266

Photo by Shannon Etherton

Well, 10 years came and went and last month we celebrated that 10th Anniversary. We talked about a variety of ways to celebrate and then together we made a decision. It would be nice to escape our life, but right now we’d rather invest in it. I recently heard author Michael Hyatt say that rather than escaping his life, he wanted to create a life he didn’t want to escape from. Brilliant.

Right now, right where we are, we want to grow as people, together. Aaron and I are both highly dedicated to our individual work and we desire to feel more a part of what the other person is doing. We really want to feel like partners. And really, what better way to realign our goals and support one another than to seek out a growth getaway together?

We didn’t intend to go to Nashville together, initially. But when my original workshop was postponed from September to October (read about the Emergency Cancellation here) we decided to turn my disappointment into an opportunity for both of us, so we headed to Nashville for our 10th Anniversary Growth Getaway.

(Did I just coin a new term?! Probably not…)

IMG_5051

We went to a small business workshop led by New York Times bestselling author, Donald Miller. We soaked in his mastery of the framework of story and how to utilize it to communicate in a variety of business related ways.

IMG_4966

We had dinner at the new home of some old friends.

IMG_4989

We visited Belmont College where I went to school for my freshman and sophomore years of college. He probably got tired of my amazement at how much the campus changed in 15 years, but it was really fun to show him around.

IMG_5058

And the last night a couple of tickets opened up right before the show of the Grand Ole Opry so we could soak in the Nashville vibe.

All of our time together at the conference and seeing the sights of Nashville gave us a number of gifts that we brought home with us.

Benefits of a Growth Getaway

  1. Common Experience. I was fully planning to go to Nashville by myself, but it was so nice to create those memories with my partner.
  2. Common Language. The workshop gave us a common set of terms and ways of thinking that make it easier for us to communicate what we want to say to one another.
  3. Intentional Conversations. We had time to talk! Woohoo! But the best part was that we were able to be intentional about discussing and applying the things we learned at the workshop.
  4. Intentional Living. Our growth getaway gave us the opportunity to come home and live out the things we discussed.
  5. Partnership. Since Nashville we have felt more aligned in our mutual purpose and more actively supportive of each others’ personal endeavors.

Not every getaway will be a growth getaway for us, (someday I’ll get him to a beach!) but this year it was just what we needed.

Are you interested in a growth getaway? Watch for Born For This registration, opening soon!

 

CLICK HERE to receive a free 15 minute-read eBook from the creators of Born For This.

3 Dangers eBook

Tackle It Together: Tips for a Great Team-Building Conversation

“How are we doing?”

Uh…you’ve asked this before, but what do you mean? It seems to me we are doing fine.

“I just want to be sure we are moving forward. If we aren’t moving forward, we are moving backward and I don’t want to do that. Are we getting to know each other better?”

Aaron made a point to ask how we were doing every week when we were dating. I’m pretty sure that only a week or two of this went by before I was sure I wanted to marry the guy. I mean, really.This is one intentional dude – my kind of person. When he called us “The A-Team,” the deal was sealed. I wanted to be a part of this self-aware team. Definitely.

When he called us “The A-Team,” the deal was sealed.

But it’s not easy to keep up the awareness or the team-ness when life gets going. We haven’t always wanted to ask “how are we doing?” because we haven’t always wanted to face the answer. And then the longer we go without asking the question, the more we resist it for fear of the unknown – or the assumed known.

Thankfully, somewhere deep down, we both believe we are individually OK and that together we can get through whatever life throws at us. After 10 years of being in this relationship, we have a better feel for how to navigate the sometimes dreaded “How are we doing?” question. Here are some things we try to keep in mind – perhaps something here would be helpful for you and your team, too.

Tips for the “How are we doing?” Team-Building Conversation

  • Let the main goal of the conversation be to move closer to each other. If my goal is to convince or defend, I may as well not have the conversation.
  • It can be spontaneous and short or planned and long. The goal for timing is to have the conversation when emotional energy is peaceful – whenever that may be.
  • Be ready to listen without being defensive. How? Remember that you do not need the other person to love or respect or understand you (though it is hard and sad if they don’t!), because you know you are already loved and respected and understood by the only One who can do it perfectly. If that’s covered, you can live to give rather than live to take – even in tough conversations.
  • Be silly. Somehow, someway, be silly.
  • Try to end with some kind of a plan in place. Problem solving is one of the best team-building activities EVER. It feels great to know where we are headed and what steps we are each going to take to get there.

How You doin'?

What’s your team name?

How you doin’?

*For more on being OK and knowing you don’t need someone else to make you feel OK, bop on over here: When I Should Feel Joy #4: True Love

Do you like what you read today? Sign up for email updates and let your friends know. Thank you!

When I Should Feel Joy #2: Post-Partum Depression

…One nurse caught me in a weak, tearful moment and gruffly asked, “Are you depressed?!” I pulled it together enough to sternly pronounce, “No. I am a counselor. I would know if I were depressed.”

She backed off.

And I backed into my shell…

An excerpt from my previous post: When I Should Feel Joy #1: Unprepared.  


When one clams up, whatever is inside will find its way out, one way or another.

At first my insides came out as tears. They weren’t tears of joy or tears of sadness or tears of sentiment. They were tears of pain. I tried not to think about my time in the hospital when I felt helpless and invisible. But inevitably one thing or another would catch me off guard and I would be right back in the pain and embarrassment of giving birth. My mind and body’s natural inclination was to cave in on itself when this would happen. I couldn’t always curl up in a fetal position to protect myself from the outside world, but I wanted to. Nothing I did could really fend off the feeling of pain. And other than my averted eyes and the occasional admission that I was having a tough time adjusting to having two kids, most people had no indication I was suffering.

And then I started fighting.

I got better at preparing for the certain reminders of my helplessness and invisibility by scanning my environment for threats. That’s when I took up verbal boxing. After throwing a couple of punches, I realized boxing felt WAY better than laying down and taking hits. Adrenaline-anger made me strong. And anger kept people away – especially my family, the most likely people to touch the black and blue inside of me. I’m not typically a mean person, but blame allowed me to validate my anger. I began to believe that I was the center of a deep conspiracy: Everyone – do everything you can to make life hard for Andrea. It didn’t make sense, but it didn’t have to make sense. It just had to be a reason to thrust me out of helpless tears into powerful anger.

My internal equilibrium was incredibly fragile, so anything unexpected threw me off. Anyone asking something of me felt like a jab I had to dodge.

Baby waking.

Supper burning.

Milk spilling.

How DARE they ask anything of me! I can’t take it. Make it STOP!  And so I would verbally jab back:

PLEASE go back to sleep!

I’m sorry I’m such a horrible cook!

Stupid dog!

I hate thinking about it. I loved my husband and kids, but the joy I expected to feel after having a second baby felt like a pipe-dream. It’s not supposed to be like this!

If you only saw me in the boxing ring, you would have no idea that the only reason I was fighting was in order to access a strength that pushed back on the hits that threatened to knock me out. It was all I had.

It certainly felt that way.

Praying you might tuck these in your heart today:

  1. (from When I Should…#1) Joy is what I felt I should feel after giving birth, so I hid my pain. But honestly, most women struggle. My expectations for what “I should feel” made it harder to accept the pain and sadness I experienced.
  2. Clamming up did not help me, my kids or my husband because: When one clams up, whatever is inside will find its way out, one way or another. And usually someone gets hurt.
  1. Every loud sound and every sudden movement felt like an attack on my entire being. I felt every tear my babies cried and every posture of confused defeat when my husband came close. That’s why it seemed like a conspiracy. I was completely overwhelmed and fragile. I had no buffer to absorb the blows that threw me off. I have come to know this fragility as sensitivity. Do you ever feel that way? (I have much more to say on this topic. Please come back for more.)
  1. I didn’t feel better when I was angry, but the adrenaline that pumped gave me energy. I have since come to believe that: SAD IS UNDER ANGRY. I have not yet come across an exception. I was definitely angry, but I put anger on top of my sadness. I chose it over tears. I don’t have to choose anger. You don’t, either. There is Comfort to be found but it is not found while boxing…unless you come across a beautiful soul who will let you beat on their chest until you collapse into their arms. I believe God does that. Probably a better choice than taking the fight to the people we love.

Clam Up

This picture is my wink-nudge-nudge. Know where I took it?!

When I Should Feel Joy #1: Unprepared

When I Should Feel Joy #2: Postpartum Depression

When I Should Feel Joy #3: Shame

When I Should Feel Joy #4: True Love

When I Should Feel Joy #5: Deeper Joy

11 Steps to Prevent and Fight Depression