How You Can Change Your Experience of Physical and Emotional Pain

Episode 52

We tend to talk about authentic self-expression on this show, but what does that really mean?

Most people equate being authentic to “being real” and always saying what’s on your mind in the moment. However, that’s not exactly correct.

Being “real” in the moment, may not truly be an accurate representation of how you truly feel because your perception of your emotions may be skewed.

It’s this exact concept of our perception of physical and emotional pain and how that relates to our ability to authentically express ourselves that I’m diving into today.

Take a listen to the episode below!

Mentioned in this episode:

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Transcript

Hey, hey! It’s Andrea and welcome to the Voice of Influence podcast.

Authentic self-expression is something that we talk about quite a bit around here. It is one of core values at Voice of Influence and part of what we want to encourage in the world.

But authentic self-expression is kind of confusing. It’s maybe a little bit difficult to even explain to other people and in some ways, it’s simple because we think of words or phrases like keeping it real. We’re just going to keep it real. I want to be real. The real me. Things like that.

But I think that the idea of being real or authentic is still more complicated than it seems on a surface, because as I’ve talked about in other podcast, being real isn’t just about saying whatever is on your mind or heart right in the moment. Being real, I think is more deep than that.

We’re going to talk about that here today on the podcast. We’re going to talk about what authentic self-expression can really look like. We’re going to put it in the context of how much we feel we are worth or value. Now, I’m sharing this with you as somebody who feels that you do have a voice of influence. You’re wanting to make your voice matter more.

I’m also sharing it with you in case you have other people that you’re working with as a coach and you’re wanting them to realize some of these things about themselves. You’re wanting to help other people be more authentic in their self-expression.

Today, we’re going to tackle this by first talking about pain perception. So we’re talking about the perception of our own value, but eventually, we’re coming back to that. We’re going to start by talking about the perception of pain.

Now, the reason why we’re doing this is because I think there are a lot of parallels. I’m really excited about the science behind pain and pain perception and the experience of pain and how that relates to other things, such as our experience of our own value and whether or not we believe that we have value in a context. And essentially, it’s about our confidence and how we move forward.

So let’s go back to pain perception. A few years ago when I was starting to really dig into this research about pain and pain perception, I stumbled upon a video on YouTube. It’s a lecture given at the University of Oxford in 2010 by Irene Tracy. I am fascinated by Irene Tracey’s work in this area of Pain Perception.

First, I want to tell you about the story that she tells. I’ve used this story with my own children and even other people’s children to talk about pain. Because you know how when you kiss a “boo-boo,” (if you’re a parent, you probably know this) when you kiss a boo-boo somehow or another, it feels better to the child. It means something when they get a hug. They feel better.

Why did they feel that way? It’s magic. It’s mommy magic. It’s all these different things that we think of ourselves, you know, this really doesn’t help and the Band-Aid doesn’t really help. But I don’t really care; you stopped crying so I’m going to put it on anyway.

Well, through Irene’s research, I’m learning how this actually could be and why it really does matter. Why a mom kissing her son’s boo-boo actually make it feel better and can make them feel less pain.

So she tells this story about this builder in London. He’s building and he’s doing whatever he does as a builder and apparently, a nail gun goes off and shoots a nail right a through his boots. I’m telling you what this guy goes crazy. He is riving in agony from the pain of this nail that just went though his boot. It’s even sticking out on the other side and they bring him into this hospital, this ER. They’re carefully, carefully cutting away the boots while he was screaming pretty much in agony just riving in pain.

They cut away this boots to find out that this nail had gone right through the space between two toes. That’s right. He did not even get a scratch. This nail went through his boots and went through this space between his toes without actually breaking his skin and yet he felt this intense pain because why? Because of his pain perception.

Because even though the nerve endings in his foot were not saying that he was in pain, the nociceptor input was not saying he was in pain, his eyes saw what he should be feeling. His eyes saw this nail go through this boot and signals to his brain to help him assume that it was that bad. Then he should be feeling an incredible amount of pain. Well, of course, when they cut the boot away and he realized that he wasn’t hurt at all, he didn’t feel pain anymore.

The simple moral of the story is that pain isn’t always what we think it is. When we perceive pain, when we think that we are in pain, sometimes it is our brain playing tricks on us because sometimes that input, the actual nociceptor input, the nerve endings that are telling our brain that we have been injured and we need to pull our hands off the hot stove or that sort of thing, those are not actually firing off. It is not as intense as we think it is but there are things that are going on in our brain that can manipulate those perceptions to kind of make us experience the pain more intensely than we really need to.

So if we are hyper vigilant in our minds, our attention is really hyperly-focused on the pain that we’re experiencing. That’s one of the tricks that I used of my son. “So think about something else. Let’s watch this video instead; maybe the pain will go away.” Indeed often that helps to get distracted or even sometimes catastrophizing. If this happens once, it could happen forever or making it this really, really big deal when it really wasn’t that big deal in a first place.

So that some stuff that could go on in our heads. But then there’s also the context and these are all things that Irene Tracey talks about in this video. I’ll link to that in the show notes for sure. But we also have this pain beliefs that, you know what, one of my child’s pain beliefs is that if there is a drop of blood, it is the end of the world. And because of this belief when he sees blood, it feels like the end of the world. So it’s that belief that it brings to that pain experience that makes it worse.

Sometimes, there’s an expectation that this medicine is going to help a lot more than the last one. And so we assume that it will and then perhaps, we feel better and the pain is lost. Or there’s often that placebo effect when we think that we’re getting medicine and it’s going to make a difference. So we live as though this medicine is making a difference which then actually means making a difference for our own health or our own pain.

Then there’s the mood that we have, the emotional experience that we are having at the moment when pain can come. If you’re feeling good then you’re probably able to handle more pain or the more input of pain perception and then your experience of the pain is diminished because you’re already feeling good. Whereas, if you’re already feeling poor, if you’re depressed or anxious and then you get a prick of pain, well then, all of a sudden everything is much worse.

Again, I can see this out play out in my household all of the time with these children. Because if somebody is already upset about something and then we get poked, we get pricked, or I’m helping you up and all of a sudden that hurts to help you up instead of it just being the normal mom picking you up. Well, that mood that is already present has cast a negative light on the sensations that they’re feeling.

And then there is that chemical and structural components to this, so neurodegeneration, metabolic changes, and specifically maladaptive plasticity. So when we have a consistent way of handling pain, it sorts of burns a road or a pathway in our brain telling us exactly how things are going to play out every time.

So we have this maladaptive way of handling things in our brain based on our previous experience. This can lead to some real chronic pain. The plasticity of the brain is such a beautiful thing and we really can change the pathways in our brains to be able to make a difference in the way that we experience pain.

It requires some very intentional disruption. So instead of handling it the same way every time, we start do something else. We have to target some of these other things I mentioned before, our cognitive set, the contexts, and the mood; to be able to reset or retrain our brain so that it doesn’t feel everything quite so intensely.

Now, this is a very personal thing for me because I have personally experienced intensity of pain that goes beyond what most normal people would experience. So I very well know the feeling foolish because some small burst of cold air has all of a sudden made me feel like there are pins pricking me from the inside. They’re pricking my skin and I don’t like that feeling and so I tensed up and they’re all sorts of reactions that I have sort of trained myself to do unwittingly but then make it even worse.

So I have had to do some serious looking at what it would take to retrain my brain so that I’m not doing the same things all the time, and I’m not training myself to handle this pain in a maladaptive kind of way. That is the beauty of our brains. I mean, this is so amazing, isn’t it? That we can really truly change our pain experience by changing our mood, by changing our beliefs, and by changing these things so then our pain perception is not as intense or it doesn’t feel as bad as it used to feel.

So perception is really about how we know this. How do I know that I’m in pain? I know that I’m in pain based on my senses. What do I see? What do I feel, hear, touch, etc? But that pain perception can be influenced by these other things mentioned previously, our beliefs and the way that we’re responding, our mood and things like this. We can take that concept of pain perception and apply it to our emotional pain perception because what is absolutely fascinating is that the same areas light up in our brain whether we’re experiencing physical pain or emotional pain.

So emotional pain is very similar to our experience of physical pain and this makes a difference in how we respond. So just as when we’re feeling physical pain because we put our hand on a hot stove and so we pulled that thing off because, otherwise, it’s going to get burnt, we did the same thing with emotional pain.

When we start to feel emotional pain, when we may back off from whatever situation we’re in, because in a sense we’re trying to protect ourselves and that’s a very understandable experience. It’s a very understandable reaction, and unfortunately, just as our physical pain perception can be off from the actual need to protect so can our emotional experience of pain or perception of our emotional pain can also be off because it may not be as bad as we think.

So we make these decisions based on our experience of pain whether or not they’re right. It is really important but if we’re wanting to be authentic and we’re wanting to move in the world in an authentic way that we get really in touch with our pain experience, our emotional pain experience, so that we know when it is a good time to be self-protective and to take care of ourselves, our hearts or that sort of thing. And when we can actually take risks, when we can say “You know what, this is not as bad as I thought it was so I am going to do this anyway.”

Now, I have a really fun example of this. So I recently went to the movie, I Feel Pretty with Amy Schumer. I saw this thing advertised a few months ago and I was like “Oh my goodness, I wanna see this thing because it was really cracking me up and it looked like it would be funny.” And it was. It was very funny.

But the reason why I really wanted to see it was because I knew it was going to have something to do with confidence and how one decides whether or not they should be confident. Well, it’s truly based on this woman’s experience of emotional pain. She feels emotional pain because she assumes or senses her perception is that people do not appreciate her or want her around. She feels invisible because she’s not drop dead gorgeous.

So in her mind, her perception of drop dead gorgeous is somebody who gets the whole world opened up to them because of how they look. They get whatever they want because of how they look. So that is her perception, then her perception is also that because she’s not drop dead gorgeous, she is not getting what she wants. And there are certain opportunities in the world that are closed up to her because she’s not that person that she thinks she wants to be, which is drop dead gorgeous.

Well, the funny thing about this movie is that she is ends up getting hurt and then her whole perception of herself changes. So instead of seeing herself as a little chubby and not that pretty, all of a sudden, she sees herself as everything she always wanted to be, that drop dead gorgeous woman who can have anything she wants.

So she started walking through the world as though that’s who she was, as though that is what she has. The world is open to her now because she can have whatever she wants because she is that beautiful, that pretty. So of course this is really funny and it puts her in a lot of funny situations.

But what’s really fascinating to me is how people are so attracted to her because she is so comfortable in her own skin. She’s not worried about anything about what other people think of her because she knows who she is and so she just lets people know who she is and she just welcome them in and walks through the world with this great amount of confidence.

So she has this cognitive set that is already saying, “I already know my value. I already know that I am drop dead gorgeous and that the world is gonna open up to me.” Those are her expectations and because of that when people say things or do things that could cause her emotional pain, she perceives it in a different light. She perceives it as their problem, instead of her problem. She perceives it as though that she’s OK and she’s going to be OK and that she can still have whatever she wants.

So that’s how she continues to move through the world and people then are so attracted to that, and she does get a lot of what she wants. It is truly fascinating to think about this because I think a lot of us know…I grew up wanting to be real, not wanting to be fake at all so much so that I that I would just…anything that felt fake to me, I would just totally avoid it. Then I started to learn more about this.

I started to learn more about how, you know, just because I feel like this doesn’t mean that I have to feel like this. Just because I feel this pain doesn’t mean I have to feel this pain. So maybe I need to take another look at how I’m perceiving my pain.

So when somebody asks me “how are you?” I don’t have to say it’s terrible, or “I’m not fine but thanks.” But maybe I could reframe it and think about it in a way that would be more authentic because it’s a deeper thing. I know those deeper beliefs that are more true than that pain perception I’m experiencing in the moment.

So even though I experience this pain if I can tap into something that’s deeper inside of me and know it’s not that bad. I’m not just saying that because I’m trying to make myself feel better, I’m saying that because I really believe it’s true based on X, Y, and Z. And so therefore, I can come back to you and share that I am OK when you asked me how I’m doing.

Our perception of pain whether be physical or emotional pain, may or may not be right. It may or may not be corresponding to the actual amount of pain we should be experiencing. When you do have your hand on that stove and you’re feeling pain, yeah, you should take your hand off of out because otherwise, it’s going to get worse. That can be the same thing with our emotional pain too.

But how do we know unless we start with a really solid understanding of what we do believe about our pain, what we do believe about ourselves, our value. How can we be truly confident unless we go there, unless we take that look inside? You know, I think that there are a lot of us running around thinking that we have nails going all the way through our feet when maybe that nail isn’t deep and breaking the skin. Maybe it’s the same thing with our hearts. We feel like there are some things so terrible that’s causing so much pain. But maybe it’s not as bad as we think.

Maybe if we take a good look, we’ll realize that it’s not actually breaking the skin. That we’re actually going to be OK, that we have what it takes to be able to handle this with grace and humility and to release a deeper sense of freedom. And then be able to experience that in such a way that we really are authentically expressing who we are.

I actually created a little resource about this and I call it Love Edits: The Three Practices of Authentic Self-expression, because I know that there are a lot of people out there who are really wanting to be real. But they’re a little confused how to say what they really want to say and whether or not it is real. There are just a lot of confusions out there about that.

So I wanted to make it more clear and to offer a resource for people so that they can learn these three practices and get better and better at perceiving their pain, their emotional pain. At perceiving their experience of life and emotions that is going on inside of them so that they know how to express them in a way that’s going to be truly loving.

So instead of feeling like you have to say whatever is in your mind and heart in the moment so that you can be real, this is an opportunity for you to learn how to take a step back and dig in deep to kind of find out what is really true about what’s going on inside to filter those perceptions through something that is more sustainable, more reliable. So that then you can go ahead and act on that in a way that is really going to make a difference and really seem, not just seem loving, but be loving and loving self-expression.

So it’s not just about you and saying what you want to say right in the moment but it truly edits. It takes a step back and says “OK, is that really what I wanna do? Is that really wanna say?” And this gives you the opportunity to figure out how to do that.

So if you’re interested in this little mini training, it’s called Love Edits: The Three Practices of Self-Expression, you can go to voice of influence.net/loveedits and find that course there.

So filter your perceptions to something that is more reliable and make your voice matter more.

 

 

Asking for Help is Not a Moral Failure

HOW PRIDE ROBS US OF RELATIONAL CLOSENESS

About a year ago I committed to writing a book and I signed up for an online course that would guide me through the process. One of the biggest treasures I found inside that course was a connection to a singer/songwriter in Nashville with a mission similar to mine. Brittany Barbera ended up releasing her book Let Me Be Weak: What People In Pain Wish They Could Tell You last December and I 13884573_832188605960_1654587303_nloved it. I’ve never had a guest post on this site before, but trust me, this is worth it. I wanted to share her words with you because I believe you will find them to be both challenging and relatable.

You can find her book here: Let Me Be Weak

She also wrote & recorded a gorgeous song with the same title: Let Me Be Weak

******

13918937_832184598990_972091412_oIn a world where we are obsessed with sharing everything online, from pictures of our food and the sunset, to the latest quiz results, identifying which ‘Friend’ we are (I’m Monica), it’s a wonder we have such a hard time genuinely sharing things of substance. Given the amount of time we spend communicating each day, you’d think we’d be experts by now. We’ve mastered the fine art of scrolling through our news-feeds and clicking “like,” but so many of us are secretly lonely and feel completely disconnected from any authentic sense of community.

Regardless of how well put together we may look on the outside, the unavoidable truth is this: everyone feels overwhelmed sometimes. Though we are often seduced by the glamour of invincibility, life happens to us all—people or dreams die and relationships end. Jobs we depend on for financial stability dissolve in the wake of economic uncertainty. Accidents and illness prey upon the loveliest of people, and catch us off guard. All manner of unexpected traumas threaten to interrupt our plans, turn our world upside down, and expose the cracks in our armor.

However, we live in a culture where we are encouraged to be self-sufficient, where the powerful are celebrated and even idolized. We are socialized to present the best versions of ourselves to one another and to pretend like we don’t struggle with anything at all. But, I don’t know anyone who is self-sufficient 100% of the time. I’m tired of perpetuating this myth and I’m really tired of seeing wonderful, hard-working people suffer the shame of inferiority, simply because they need emotional support in a time of crisis.

Our deep seated ideology of independence spills over into the way we care for people in pain. We struggle to allow room for grief and are tempted to resist the necessary work of healing because it is a messy and uncomfortable process. Since we are relational beings, we need to feel loved or it will take a toll on our mental health. I’ve heard it said that we can only be loved to the extent that we are known. But even though we crave relational closeness, that level of vulnerability feels dangerous because we also fear rejection. The truth is that we all have wins and losses; both the highs and the lows are integral parts of the journey. And when we only share our successes, we tell an incomplete and unhelpful story.

If we want to have a healthy internal dialogue and deeper relational satisfaction, we have to be willing to be honest. We can’t ask people to go where we are unwilling to go ourselves. However, if we are willing to drop the act and allow others to see our imperfections, we create an environment where the people we love are As you learn to be compassionate towards yourself, you’ll soon discover that you’ve liberated others to do the same, and built a community of friends who love and embrace imperfect people.willing to do the same. Our widely accepted cultural expectations will rule us if we let them. They’ll insist we put on our masks and convince us that pretending will get us what we want, but internally we will suffer feelings of disconnection and unworthiness, because we didn’t allow anyone to genuinely get to know us.

Asking for help is not a moral failure. It’s a sign of health and courage. If you’re hurting today, be brave enough to admit you have limitations and need support. Share the unedited version of your life with someone you trust and be willing to receive help when they are kind enough to lend you a hand. As you learn to be compassionate towards yourself, you’ll soon discover that you’ve liberated others to do the same, and built a community of friends who love and embrace imperfect people.


Brittany Barbera is a singer/songwriter in Nashville, Tennessee, and the author of the #1 bestselling book,
Let Me Be Weak: What People in Pain Wish They Could Tell You. Listen to Let Me Be Weak, the song which inspired the book, and sign up to receive a free mp3 here.

The Day I Realized I Was Hurting Myself

Stepping Out of Self-Shame: Part 3

I remember the day I realized I was hurting myself. My head hung low, my shoulders nearly touched each other in front of my chest and my fingers gripped and pulled at sections of hair on both sides of my head. Then hateful words spat forth from my lips, “Why am I so stupid?! I can’t handle this!”

For two years after giving birth I suffered from depression and deep shame related to my experience. Fatigue complicated it all. After a 7 month period on anti-depressants and a good deal of soul-work I wasn’t completely better, but I wasn’t depressed. I was functioning at what I would call a steady low-normal. Yet, shaming self-talk kept creeping back into my internal dialogue.

“Why do you always screw up like this, Andrea?!”

Then I started researching the brain. Did you know that digital imaging technology research has proven that the same area in the brain that lights up when we feel emotional pain is the same area in the brain that lights up when we feel physical pain? This means that emotional pain is ACTUAL pain like breaking a bone is pain.  And yet we apparently have some control over both the physical and emotional pain we feel. Isn’t that fascinating?!

(Check out this video if you’re interested.)

One day I was in the middle of speaking angry words to myself again when I put together the pieces of what I’d been studying about the human brain and my own experience and I realized I’d fallen into a destructive pattern of self-talk that kept me down rather than helping me get better.

“I may not be cutting my skin or refusing to eat, but my words are self-harming! This has to stop.”

I learned that I wasn’t truly living in the forgiveness and grace I’d been given. Through this series we’ve been teasing out the four steps I identified that helped me step out of self-shame and into a more loving version of myself. (Find links at the bottom of this post.)

  1. Step into the light that exposes your weaknesses. See them for what they are.
  2. Take responsibility for your short-comings. Ask forgiveness where forgiveness is needed and help when help is needed.

It’s time for number 3. This step might just be the hardest one of all.

3. Enjoy the freedom from your burden. Bask in the warmth that love provides and say kind things to yourself and those who forgive or help you.

Forgiveness and grace say that you don’t need to keep beating yourself up or fighting to prove yourself. In fact, when you do these things, it’s probably an indication that you haven’t truly asked for forgiveness. Saying the right words is nice, but it isn’t enough to free you. It is in step 3 where the rubber meets the road.

Forgiveness is a tricky subject and I’ve heard a lot of people suggest that we need to forgive ourselves. But I believe that forgiveness is a relational word that takes place between two entities. You are a whole person, mind/body/soul, not a split person whose soul needs to forgive your mind, etc. I do not believe the problem is that you need to forgive yourself. I believe you need to actually believe you are forgiven.

I do not believe you need to forgive yourself. You need to actually believe you are forgivenWhen I ask for forgiveness but I don’t really intend on living free in that forgiveness, I am not actually asking for forgiveness! I’m asking for you to feel better about me. This request is based in shame, a feeling that I am worthless and I need you to change how you feel about me and treat me so I will feel more valuable.

If I want to fully bask in the warmth of the light of love and forgiveness, I need to stop minimizing the impact I have on others and feel the weight of that burden. When I feel the weight, I can release it fully when I ask for forgiveness.

It’s like carrying a big boulder on your shoulder. When you say with your lips “forgive me” but in your heart you mean “think better of me,” you are asking the other person to ignore the boulder along with you. It’s like coming to an agreement “let’s just pretend this isn’t here anymore,” but you still walk with a slump.

Sweet Freedom!

But you don’t have to keep carrying the boulder! Instead, you can

  1. feel the weight of the wrong-doing.
  2. ask and believe that God truly forgives you and releases you from that burden.
  3. ask the other person for forgiveness.

Here’s the thing. The other person may not truly forgive you and you may end up with a strained or broken relationship. But if you believe God forgives you, you are released from the weight of what you’ve done. You may be sad that your relationship with the other person is broken, but beating yourself up won’t heal it.

No one can love you as perfectly as God loves you. He’s the only one who can see your heart and truly release you from your burden. And when that happens, you will not keep saying hateful things to yourself because it won’t be about you anymore. Instead, gratefulness and thanksgiving will pour from your heart and you will want to share the freedom of your love with others.

But more on that next time…

When you ask for forgiveness are you asking for the other person to come to an agreement with you to ignore the burden that comes with your sin and weakness? Or are you going to bask in the warmth that love provides by responding to forgiveness with words of kindness from a heart of gratefulness?

 

The Prerequisite to Empowering Others

Stepping Out of Self-Shame (Part 1)

Stepping Out of Self-Shame (Part 2)

The Opportunity in Your Imperfections (Part 4)

Book Impact: Schema of a Soul

Two years ago on Novemer 22st, Aaron and I traveled to Lincoln, Nebraska for Kimberlye Berg’s Schema of a Soul book launch party. It wasn’t just any old party or launch of a book. It was a sacred moment in time, set aside to honor the life and memory of a young man and woman lost tragically in a car accident, years before. It was a sacred space, set aside to hold the terrible-beautiful reality of suffering families and a mother who emurged from years of struggle with an offering: words that artfully and authentically tell how she found a love that is stronger than death.

I met Kimberlye Berg at Dr. Larry Crabb’s School of Spiritual Direction in 2011. I tend to be curious about quiet, introspective people. Kim had me burning with a curiosity that was left unfulfilled that week, but a year later that changed. I was in town and I wondered if she would want to have coffee.Kim & I
We ended up sharing the morning and a few tears together. When I left, I walked out the door with a precious gift – the first few chapters of a book she was writing. I read it all in one sitting that night in our hotel room. I felt strangely cleansed in the remnants of salty tears and trembling sobs. The offering of her mother-heart revived the decaying corners of my own. Schema of a Soul reminded me that I’m alive. And I need to live like it.

Since then we have become good friends with Kim and Jim, staying in each other’s homes and sharing in each other’s experience of writing, family and business. Kim taught me how to make the most amazing bagels and I facilitated a few of her speaking engagements. When I couldn’t decide where to focus my writing efforts, she steered me back toward Frozen. It is a rich friendship, despite the distance between us. That is why I chose Kim’s book to be the first book I feature in the Book Impact series on this blog.

Schema of a Soul

In this book, Kimberlye Berg shares about the deep relational and spiritual struggles she faced with her family when they lost their oldest son/brother in a car accident. She writes to her husband, reflecting on their experience and utilizing beautiful metaphors from his experience in architecture.

Kim gave me the opportunity to share my endorsement in the book:

When the raging winds of pain below, we yearn for a safe shelter for our souls. The beautiful tapestry of practical and spiritual connections woven in schema of a soul wrapped securely around the reader, offering connection where there is isolation, vision where there is chaos, and faith where there is doubt. Whether you seek to understand and comfort those who mourn or you were aware of your own pain, nestle in. And may sacrificial love demonstrate the truth of it strength in you. p.9

Quotes from the Book

IMG_5437Seldom can you know what time last words will come to you. All words hold the potential of being last words. p. 23

He suggested we were being invited to enter into a place where, if we would go, could lead us to knowing God in ways we never had before. It would be hard. Uncomfortable. Take time. Or. We could try to get back into life the best we could. Fill the pain with work, Getting over it, and moving on. We would need to choose. One or the other.

It is a daunting thing to feel and seriously wrestle with intense pain deep within your soul, intense questions regarding everything you thought you believed about God. Many of us go to great extent in trying to evade soul pain, as if that would be the most noble choice. We focus instead on being busy. We are very busy, proud people, and we desperately want to be happy people, not sad. p.64

Pain and heartache are indescribable to someone who has never been inside of them. There was absolutely nothing anyone could do to make us feel better. That was the wrong battle, and we intuitively knew it deep within. p.64-65

We have been soaking wet and all drenched in ugly together, but in our weeping we have been been discovering the more that transcends the pain. p.136

 

Share this post on social media and comment to let me know you did. Please let me know if you share! You will be entered to win a copy of Schema Of A Soul.

 

Questions for the author, Kimberlye Berg

I would love for you each to meet Kim. Here are some wise thoughts from her about pain and loss.

2014_sept_kb_01-21. What one thing do you want us to remember when we face deep pain and loss?
I hope you remember this: Embrace pain and sorrow as an invitation to know and relate with God in this holy place. It is in this place that He does some of his deepest work in forming you, shaping you, sculpting your soul. Enfold yourself in what it really means that God loves you with an eternal love. A sacrificial love that has battled death and emerged stronger than death. He invites you to know and love Him in this place, to love others as He has loved you. Seeking soul to soul spiritual affection, you are invited into the fullest of relational soul to relational soul life even in the emptiest of places.

2. What can we do to support our friends and family when the face deep pain and loss?
I hope you will not put the burden on them to make you feel better because you want to “help” them. One of the most common comments is ” I don’t want to make you cry…” Like it is you that will make them cry. Realize your words can be subtlety demanding. If I sense you are not afraid to be with me where I am in my pain, I will feel some sense of hope. This will cost you something. You may need to think hard about what that is. Think in terms of being “with” rather than of “helping.”

Book and Author Information

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This is a beautiful video tribute to Michael and Courtney made by Kim’s daughter, Megan Berg.

 

19 January 2013 from Megan Berg on Vimeo.

What The “Movie Move” Means To A 5 Year Old

Last weekend I had one of my favorite dates ever – with our 5 ½ year old son, Grant. After a quick trip to Burger King to devour his cheeseburger and strawberry-banana smoothie, we headed home to watch Planes Fire & Rescue. I brought three baskets of laundry out to the living room but when the he invited me to sit next to him, I decided not to multi-task the little guy.

He snuggled into my arm for a while until the heat from the fire got to him. Not long after that the intensity of the movie heightened and the date became epic.

Oh my! What’s going to happen?! This is kind of scary!

Grant gently put his arm around my back and began to pat my shoulder. In an upbeat voice he said, “It’s OK mom. It will be OK. I’ve seen it before and it will be OK.”  Movie Move

I melted into my son. He held my heart in his sweet hands and we connected deeply. At the tender age of five, the kid saw me in my distress and reached out to comfort me the same way I often comfort him. He knows instinctively what most of us push away by the time we are adults: tender touch and acknowledgement of distress is comforting, lessoning our experience of pain.

I’m not sure when it is that people begin to resist giving and receiving physical expressions of comfort. At some point it seems we get the message we need to be tough, not letting physical or emotional pain get to us. Shake it off. Deny it’s presence. Use distraction to keep from feeling it. Stay away and I won’t cry.

I suppose each of these strategies has its merits. The fact is that neuroscience is making interesting breakthroughs in understanding pain as a perception translated in the brain. Both physical and emotional pain are processed similarly and thus intimately tied. I hate to admit it, but the more I learn about it, the more I realize that pain is indeed all in my head.

But one fascinating aspect of physical and emotional distress is that their relief is also intimately tied. When I comfort Grant by kissing his wounds, he literally feels better! When I deny him my attention, his experience of physical pain is apparently worse. It is a lot easier to see this in a child. Young children still want to be comforted by a person.

The same is true of me. When I feel emotional or physical pain, my initial reaction is to physically or verbally throw my hand up. Hand

Stay away! I don’t want you to touch me!

Why? Because I don’t want to cry in your presence. If you offer comfort and I am actually comforted by you, you hold my heart in your hands – and I’m not sure I can trust you with my heart, so I’ll just scare you or push you away.

Is it possible to be deeply connected to another person if we refuse their comfort?

Here are a couple of things I’ve learned from our kids and my own experience needing comfort:

  • The gruffest reaction comes from the most tender heart. See tears under the refusal of comfort and under the anger.
  • Ease your way in. When I am overwhelmed and throwing a grown-up tantrum, I need some perspective. But I won’t be ready to receive that perspective until you reach out. I often rub lotion on the back of a child throwing a tantrum. It is a physical reminder that we are not fundamentally and irreversibly screwed up in each other’s eyes.
  • It is easiest to receive comfort from someone who isn’t afraid of being comforted themselves. If you aren’t comforted in your own pain, you won’t be able to truly comfort someone else.

I hope Grant continues to use the movie move  – to comfort others with the same kind of comfort he receives.

Like Andrea Joy Wenburg on Facebook for additional information about pain perception and sensitivity.