Why We Go Sledding With The First Good Snow

We awoke this morning greeted by a fresh coat of white, draping over the outside world. The kids don’t have snow boots so we made an early morning run to the store so they could play in the snow at recess and scoop the driveway when they get home. They love shoveling snow. But as we made our way there, an exciting new idea came to them, “Instead of scooping the driveway, can we go sledding after school?!”

A flash of reasons not to go sledding ran through my mind. Today is the first day of Dressember (read about that here), so I will be wearing a dress and I’m not fond of feeling cold. Amelia has a class later this afternoon and going sledding will require a bit of planning ahead so she isn’t late. The kids’ rooms are a mess and they really need to tidy them up. And we’ve been gone for the past few days so I have a lot I need to do. But…

“Yes. Let’s plan on going sledding after school today. See you then!”

Why Say Yes?

You see, over the years I’ve learned something about myself. I have a lot of good intentions, but I tend to have more energy and enthusiasm when they first occur to me than I do as time goes on. If I don’t use my ideas right away, I may not use them later. I used to assume that opportunities are endless and they will present themselves over and over until I am ready to take them.Seize the Dayand Savor the Moments-3

But they don’t. Sometimes life gets busy and days turn into weeks that turn into months before I send that card, track down that friend for coffee or hang that picture. Then a year later I realize that sending the card would feel awkward, the friend moved away and the picture is now out of date. Sometimes there is a beautiful snow on the first day of December and then it doesn’t snow for the rest of the season.

I’m left wishing I had seized the opportunity when it was in front of me.

Of course, I can’t fly by the seat of my pants all of the time. I have responsibilities that I need and want to handle well. I know that packing my schedule and to-do list is not healthy for me. I enjoy planning ahead and coming up with a basic schedule, but I don’t want to be so rigid in my planning that I have no wiggle room when an opportunity arises.

What is most important to me today?

There have been a number of things happen recently to remind me of the fragility of life and how quickly it can all change. I would be in complete denial if I went back to living as though there will always be another opportunity to go sledding with the kids. But I admit that I wouldn’t want to do it every day. Somedays, clean bedrooms and a cozy fire are more important to me than romping up and down a snowy hill with the kids. But somedays they’re not.

What is most important to me today? What do I want in the deepest parts of me? 

Our dear friend and mentor Dale Phillips uses a phrase that is ingrained in our vocabulary now. He and his wife Beth live with a deep awareness of the eternal, while being intensely present in the moment. Aaron and I long to live like that. May we all take Dale’s advice to “seize the day and savor the moments,” whether that leads to messy bedrooms or a snowy hill.

What opportunity will you seize and savor today?

 

 

Not So Great Expectations

How do you deal with others’ expectations?  I know that some people are better at meeting expectations when there is a threat of shame. Not me. I would rather run away. Put pressure on me and I avoid you and your task. Ugh. Not the most healthy option…

So I have to think of other ways to deal with expectations. This week my post is an article I wrote for Her View From Home. In it I explain how I’ve learned to deal with expectations. It’s not about people pleasing and it’s not about running away. I hope you’ll take a minute and click to read more here:

When You Feel Trapped… Andrea Joy Wenburg at Her View From Home

Deeply,

AJ

Photo by Amelia Wenburg

Photo by Amelia Wenburg

Following Curiosity Where It Leads

It’s one thing to be taught.
It’s a completely different thing to follow curiosity where it leads.

Photo Credit: Yogesh Kumar Jaiswal Creative Commons Text added https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/legalcode

Photo Credit: Yogesh Kumar Jaiswal
Creative Commons
Text added
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/legalcode

The other day I was in the car with the kids when we drove by a building and I spontaneously stated:

That is Lincoln Elementary School.

 Is that where all of the kids in Lincoln go to school?”

Actually, it’s a school for kids in North Platte. But the name of the school is Lincoln.

 “There are a lot of things named Lincoln!”

Do you know WHY there are so many things by that name?

Photo: Penn State Special Collection Creative Commons https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/legalcode

Photo: Penn State Special Collection
Creative Commons https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/legalcode

Our kids are five and eight. Although they recalled a couple of basic facts about President Lincoln and slavery, the significance of Lincoln’s impact on our life here-and-now was still a little fuzzy. After discussing the basics of the Civil War, Grant opened a new door and my heart went pitter-pat.

“It’s a good thing we don’t have slavery anymore!”

I wish that were the case, Grant.

We talked about modern-day slavery in December when Amelia and I participated in Dressember (read about that here), but this time felt different. This time the kids were engaged by their own curiosity. The little doors to their hearts were open and hungry for more. I held the sacred moment with tender conviction and shared that there are many people who have to work for no pay and under terrible conditions. I went on:

Recently IJM rescued children in Ghana who are your age. They were on boats where they were forced to fish all day long, every day. That’s why Amelia and I participate in Dressember. We wear dresses every day in December to help raise money to rescue more kids and grown-ups from slavery.

“What can boys do?”

So much, son.

What Can Boys Do?There are intensely personal issues at play in this discussion. It confronts my consumerism, prejudice and self-deprecation. The weight of injustice is so heavy, I often ignore it.

The curiosity of my children persuades me to feel it.

Ah, but that is the inherent danger of following innocent curiosity where it leads. I might have to face that which I otherwise ignore. I might be confronted with my own inconsistency, prejudice and selfishness. I might have to change.

It’s not every day that I point out the name of an elementary school as we drive by. I’m not sure what compelled me to do so the other day. I felt the invitation to say something, so I did. I had no idea where the conversation would go – no agenda. We just kept responding to one another and let the conversation unfold.

Photo Credit: Zoriah Creative Commons https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/legalcode

Photo Credit: Zoriah Creative Commons
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/legalcode

And now I’m researching fair trade clothing and thinking about what my five-year-old boy can do to participate in the fight for freedom.

I wonder where their curiosity will lead next?

Wherever it is…I’m in!

When I Should Feel Joy #1: Unprepared

After my initial post Frozen Top Ten”, a few beautiful people asked me to share more about my experience with depression – specifically, post partum depression. My reflections on this story are too long for one blog post. This is not just for women. It is not just for parents. I offer this series in honor of anyone who suffers and feels alone. And I offer it to those who might have experienced or have loved ones experiencing difficulties as young parents.

Our experience having our first child was joyful. Yes, we went to the hospital and were sent home and then induced the next day. Yes, I had back labor and eventually had an epidural. Yes, the epidural helped half of my back more than the other half. But, YES! We were rested and ready! We were very excited to welcome Amelia into the world to the tune of “Testify to Love.” Happy. For a long time, there was happy.

Then around December in our second pregnancy, I was incredibly uncomfortable. The demands of my body and a 1 ½ year old were wearing on me. Looking back, I believe this is where depression set in. Five months later, it was time to have our second baby. We went in for a check up one morning and were told to come back to the hospital around 5:00 p.m. so they could induce and deliver that night. We didn’t think much of the request at the time. Our doctor would conveniently be on call and my body was indicating that it was a good time. We started the process around 6. I settled into the whirlpool and Aaron settled into the Lakers game. What came next was fast and furious. I realized very quickly that I wanted the pain meds I had previously hoped to do without. And I wanted them BAD. They never came. I will spare you the details.

Here’s what I felt I lost in the next few hours:

  • My voice. I had plans for how this birthing process would work, but when things got rolling, nurses were (what felt like) dragging me to the bed and telling me what to do. I felt like they were making decisions for me. They acted like the epidural would come, even though they knew it was too late. I felt like a child.
  • My emotional stability. It took me a few months to realize this, but I discussed it with a friend-psychologist and we determined that I likely had a panic attack during labor. I literally thought I would AND thought it would be better if I would just die in labor. I feel bad even saying that. But it’s true. I’m going to say it because maybe I’m not the only one.
  • My dignity. I felt incredibly exposed and ashamed of my volume, tone and word choice as I cried out and writhed in pain.
  • My self-respect. When all was said and done, I felt I had failed this natural birth thing. I didn’t overcome anything or feel empowered like some women do. I felt dragged and beaten and terrified and discarded. That is also really hard to say.              *Big Breath*
  • My ability to move. For a long time (maybe an hour, I don’t really know) after birth, I couldn’t relax my awkwardly positioned body. I continued to experience pain after pain and I didn’t have the wherewithal to ask for pain medication for quite some time.
  • My husband’s respect. This is a tough one, but it is real. I felt my loss of control had embarrassed him. I couldn’t look him in the eye for fear of the disappointment I was sure I would see.
  • Sleep. Grant was born at 11:45 p.m. They took us to our room around 1:00 a.m. and I did not sleep. I lay there tense and in shock, all night long. No one knew. I didn’t sleep well for months.

The next couple of days in the hospital were a struggle as I attempted to feel and act like I felt as joyful as I did when Amelia was born. One nurse caught me in a weak, tearful moment and gruffly asked, “Are you depressed?!” I pulled it together enough to sternly pronounce, “No. I am a counselor. I would know if I were depressed.”

She backed off.

And I backed into my shell.

I pray you will tuck these insights into your heart:

  1. I rejected help. I think I was so embarrassed from the experience that I refused to accept or seek help. I closed up like a clam – hard and tight. But I was a wreck on the inside. If you feel as I did, please open yourself to help. Reach out to someone you trust in your head – even if your heart feels it can’t trust at all. 
  1. I was unable to be my own advocate. Sometimes people break down and are unable to speak for themselves – even “strong” people. We were not prepared for this to happen. If you know someone who is closed like a clam, be curious! They may act like they don’t want your help, but if you offer it tenderly, confidently, respectfully and consistently; they just might let you in.
  2. Joy is what I felt I should feel after giving birth, so I hid my pain. But honestly, most women struggle. My expectations for what “I should feel” made it harder to accept the pain and sadness I experienced.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Our beautiful, worth-every-bit-of-it kids (a few years back).


Friends,

Working on this piece reminds me how troubling this season of our parenting experience was. It has been a while since I shared this intensely personal and vulnerable story with anyone. I believe that is why most parents do not share their emotionally traumatic birthing stories or the pain they experience afterward.

I believe that is why I must.

I do not claim to be an expert in the area of depression. I share my reflections of our experience but if you are concerned that you or a loved one is depressed, please inform your doctor (or encourage them to inform theirs) – especially if you are pregnant.

Love,

Andrea Joy

When I Should Feel Joy #1: Unprepared

When I Should Feel Joy #2: Postpartum Depression

When I Should Feel Joy #3: Shame

When I Should Feel Joy #4: True Love

When I Should Feel Joy #5: Deeper Joy

11 Tips to Prevent and Fight Depression