Category Archives: Sensitivity

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About the Voice of Influence Podcast

00 Episode & Transcript

In this episode you’ll learn about the premise of the Voice of Influence podcast and what you can expect.

  • Do you want to know that you belong somewhere and your voice can make an impact?
  • Maybe you know your voice matters, but you want to make it matter more.
  • Why my creativity, sensitivity and intensity is both a blessing and a struggle.
  • Andrea connects her experience as a vocal student at Belmont University and the University of Nebraska – Kearney with the idea of developing a Voice of Influence.

Mentioned in the podcast:

Please listen via iTunes or Stitcher.

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Transcript

Hey, hey! It’s Andrea Joy Wenburg and you’re listening to the first episode – the About episode of the Voice of Influence podcast. In this episode I’m going to share with you just a little bit about myself and the premise of the podcast and what you can expect.

So I am Andrea Joy Wenburg, author of UNFROZEN: Stop Holding Back and Release the Real You. I grew up in Holdrege, Nebraska. I loved my experience there. I had lots of great friendships, amazing teachers and opportunities to learn and grow. And what I found out there was that I could sing. Now, this podcast isn’t about the singing voice, but it relates so give me just a minute to tie it all together for you.

I found out that I could sing and it was something that I really loved to do. I would get up in front of an audience and sing and I felt like I could really connect with the audience. I felt like they were hearing my message and when I was particularly in the zone – feeling the message in the song, I felt like I was really connecting. And I thought, “you know what? I want to do this for the rest of my life. I want to connect with an audience like that.”

So I ended up going to school at Belmont University in Nashville, TN because I thought I wanted to be a recording artist. I wanted to stand up on stage and connect with an audience.

Well, it didn’t take me too long to realize that I actually don’t have the drive to do what it takes to pursue that dream and that though I wanted to be the next Sandi Patty (a gospel singer at the time), I realized when I got down there that there were a lot of other girls wanting to be the next Sandi Patty, as well. So it became evident that I didn’t have that start quality or the drive to pursue that dream.

I redirected my focus to helping other people find and use their voices. I went back to school in Nebraska to become a music teacher. Now, what was interesting is that I refused to even apply to this school when I was in high school because I thought, “I’m never going to be able to stretch my wings in Nebraska.”

Well, when I got back to UNK, my experience with a vocal instructor there went above and beyond any music experience I had in Nashville, which was surprising to me. When I stepped into Dr. Foradori’s office, she asked me “So, Andrea, do you know about this or that” and I said, “Ya, I get all this!”

But as we got going in lessons she realized I didn’t know as much as I thought I did. And at one point she said to me, “You know, Andrea, once you really understand what it means to connect your breath, you’re going to carry with you a foundation for singing that’s going to carry with you no matter what you sing. Once you understand this one concept and it really clicks inside of you and you get that, it’s going to totally transform the way you sing everything else.”

Eventually I did get that concept and it did totally transform the way that I sang everything else. I did have that support underneath of me with breath and what it took for me to sing like I wanted to sing.

Now, I say all of this because since then I have focused more on what it means to find and develop a voice of influence in the world, because there is something else that I really care about.

I’m somebody who cares a lot about – and I think maybe everybody does – that we want to know that we have a seat at the table. And when I say seat at the table, I’m thinking like when you walk into a cafeteria and there’s a bunch of people sitting and you wonder, “where do I fit?”

And when I say seat at the table when talking about is when you walk into a room and there’s a bunch of people sitting around maybe it’s like a cafeteria and you’re wondering, which table do I fit at? Where do I fit?” This is something that I really struggled with in my life. I wondered “where do I really fit?”

Well, it’s nice to have somebody turn around and say, “Well Andrea, why don’t you sit down at our table. We want you to sit here.” That feels great because then you feel like you belong and are excepted and you connect. With other people. The thing that I really realized, though, was that’s not the only thing I want. I also want to know that when I say something, it matters. That my voice makes a difference. So, if you’re sitting at that table and you’re thinking, “I don’t really feel like these people are listening to what I have to say.” Or you start to speak up and they say, oh that’s stupid.” Or they write you off. Or they say it doesn’t matter, or whatever. They don’t have a respect for what you have to say for your vioce.

That’s a little harder place to be in. Because then it feels like you are being used, not like I belong and I making a difference, “they invited me to sit here, but I’m not actually getting to have an impact on the dialogue.” Which is different than saying, I want to have all of my ideas taken for everybody to believe everything that I say, and that the buck stops here, kind of thing. I’m not saying that.

I’m saying that we want to have our voice matter in the dialogue of life.

So, when I think about that, and I think about the voice of influence and what that means how that relates to what it means to have a voice, I realized that there is something really special about this idea of the connecting of breath on the one side, and how that applies to the way that we connect with other people with our voice of influence. When we have certain things, When we change certain things about the way that we speak that or message or the way that we are communicating, when we change those certain things, or we get those certain things, then our voice, no matter where we go, in our relationships, at home, at work, or in the world. Whatever audience you’re trying to speak to, when you really carry with you that voice of influence, it will matter more with everybody, everywhere you go. And your voice and message has a better shot of actually making a transformational difference in the life of the person you are speaking with.

Because, when we really do have that voice of influence, it’s not just about saying, “this is what you should do, this is what I want.” That sort of thing. It’s not necessarily that, because we can always try to shame people into doing what we want them to do. But that’s not the kind of person I think you are. You are the kind of person who really once to make a difference in the heart of a person. Because you know that when somebody changes on the inside, it’s going to come out in so many different ways on the outside. And that is way more powerful than just changing and outward thing.

So, this podcast is about developing a voice of influence, understanding where it comes from, why we are the way that we are. Who we are. What we really want to say, and how we can say it in a way that is truly a transformational kind of message.

That is the basic premise of this podcast.

I want to mention that last year I published a book called UNFROZEN: Stop Holding Back and Release the real you. And that book is actually my story about me and my voice. So, if you are ever interested in reading or listening to that book – I am currently working on the audio version and it will hopefully be out very soon. So, if you are listening to this in the near future, it’s probably out. You can look it up on Amazon or find it here.

It’s my story about me, and trying to understand what my voice is like. Coming to grips with the fact that I am super creative, but also really sensitive and that being creative, sensitive and having a lot of intensity – that those things altogether became both a great power, and a great struggle. And something that could actually get in the way of me using my voice and connecting with other people.

That is what the book is about, and I would encourage you to check it out if you’re interested. And now I want to tell you what you can expect from this podcast.

We are going to be on a regular rhythm of 1, 45 minute interview and one short after show kind of episode where I will be speaking for maybe five minutes, reflecting on something that came up in the episode before that. The interviews will be interviews with experts, leaders, Thought leaders – people who really have well-developed voice of influence or something they can really speak to that would be helpful or interesting to you.

It’s really important to me that you don’t just listen to the interviews and forget them. So I want to offer these little episodes that you could listen to on the way to work or whatever, and be something you could chew on that would really make your voice matter more.

That’s the basic rhythm, that we will have an interview and then a short segment. And for April we will be doing an interview and a short segment, two times each week. We will be doing a lot of those episodes in here in April 2017 and after that we will settle into a rhythm of an interview on Monday and a short segment on Thursday each week.

That is the basic premise and what you can expect from this podcast. I also want to let you know that I’ve opened up a Voice of Influence Community Facebook group for message-driven leaders. So if you are interested in communicating with other people who want to develop their voice of influence, and discuss different things that come up on the podcast, then that would be a great place for you. I would love to have you.

And the final thing I want to mention to you is that in every beginning and ending of the podcast, we say, “Your voice matters, but you can make it matter more.” And what I mean by that, is that inherently, because you are a human being created by God, your voice – your thoughts and feelings and how you express them, that matters. And no matter what anyone tells you, I believe that you matter, and your voice matters.

However, I do think that there are some people who are able to develop that voice in such a way, that we can make it matter more. Meaning, we can make a bigger difference. So although you really cannot matter anymore or less in one sense, in another sense, in the sense of how much impact you have on the world, and relationships and things like that, you can make your voice matter more. You do that, by developing it. You do that by using it.

It’s just like when I was in Dr. Foradori’s voice studio and she would have me sing, and if it didn’t come out right, she would have me mimic her, or she would give me the tools that I needed, or she would suggest that I try something new and feel something different in my mouth or that sort of thing. And she would also help me find the right music for my voice. Which, I think is like finding the right message for your voice of influence.

There are many different correlations that I will be making or referencing here on the podcast, but my point in the end is that I really hope you will take the time to develop your voice of influence. And rather than just be somebody who sings every once in a while in the car so that nobody else can hear them, if you are listening to this podcast, it is because you don’t just want to sing in the car. It’s because you want your voice to matter beyond the immediate where you are at right now. You wanted to matter in your relationships, in your home, in your work, and in the world.

So, that’s what we’re here for. I am so glad that you are here. And I hope that you will join me in the voice of influence community Facebook group. You can find a link to that here or search for it in Facebook.

Thank you so much for being here in this about me episode. I am truly honored that you have given me a few minutes of your time today and anytime that you come back, man! I am really honored that you would take the time to be with us. So thank you.

Your voice matters. Now let’s make it matter more.

Join the Voice of Influence Community Facebook Group here.

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The Book That Will Release the Creative You

I’m here to tell you this is a worthy use of your life: both the grand calling of motherhood, and the smaller gifting of artistic self-expression.

~ from Life Creative by Wendy Speake and Kelli Stuart

A while back an article circulated Facebook with a title that sounded something like, “Back off Pinterest Mom. You’re making the rest of us look bad.” It seemed that there were quite a few women who felt particularly annoyed with the moms who turn simple snacks into elaborate cartoon characters and put together a creative concoction of homemade items for teacher gifts.

The article made me sad. Although I don’t consider myself to be particularly crafty, I certainly know the desire to find some kind of creative way to express myself in the midst of motherhood. In the middle of writing a book about my own desire for self-expression, I read the rant and knew my writing endeavor would upset the moms sharing that article. Because I intended to go all-out with my book like Pinterest Moms go all-out with their school snacks.

Reading the article made me sad for all women. Moms that create in the kitchen, women that throw elaborate parties, girls who sing their heart out instead of holding their voice in. With sentiments like “reign it in” circulating, no wonder we hold back. What if, instead of pressing each other into status quo-level confinement, we call out and celebrate creative self-expression in the midst of motherhood?

14317478_10153853027172555_3213682699467064735_nFrom Unfrozen to a Life Creative

The storytelling nature of Unfrozen: Stop Holding Back and Release the Real You was intended to help women who relate to my experience as someone who felt frozen from being able to express myself fully in relationships and in my creative contribution. I am excited to say that if you identified with my story, you will most certainly be nourished by a book that releases today.

Life Creative by Wendy Speake and Kelli Stuart (–>Website Here<–) is a composition of reflective teachings that call moms to open their minds and hearts to wrestle with their own desires for creative expression. The authors know the creative-mom struggle intimately, so they speak with compassion and authority.

One of my favorite aspects of this book is that it hits on both our need of living in the moment with our children and our longing to tap our creativity. “If you are smack-dab in the middle of this intense season of mothering right now, and the idea of carving out even a little time for your craft overwhelms your heart and your family balance, then take this woman’s wisdom to heart. Tuck away each torn out picture from a magazine, each story concept, each personal revelation that supports your vision. Jot it down and file it away, then move about your day with peace in your heart that the inspiration waits for you. This recorded book of ideas opens wide the gift of freedom, allowing you to live your dreams first.”

I echo that advice with a big and hearty “amen!” For years I’ve been filing away metaphors, stories, feelings and inspiration in journals and notebooks. These proved invaluable when my kids both started school and I began to write and speak with more intention. And now when I take walks by myself I turn on the voice recorder and document my musings on my phone.

The book also includes a section where the authors discuss another topic dear to my heart. “When the unique needs of a sensitive soul go unmet day after day, year after year, there is the tendency to spiral downward into the pit…Here’s an ugly truth: Sensitive people can be incredibly insensitive when they lose themselves. I’d never been an angry woman until the quiet spaces of my life were threatened.” Yes! Sensitivity and creativity often go hand-in-hand. If you were able to relate to the description of my angry outbursts in Unfrozen, you will certainly be nourished by the thoughts on sensitivity in Life Creative.

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Release the Creative You

The creative life of a mom is complicated and frustrating at times, but with the guidance of those moms who have gone before us, we can be released into the joy and freedom of a non-pressured creative self-expression right in the midst of mothering. Whether you’re a “Pinterest Mom,” a wanna-be blogger, or a master-schedule master, you can live this creative mom-life with great hope. There is so much more I could say but for now, I want to offer my thanks to Wendy Speake and Kelli Stuart for their hard work and beautiful mentorship through this book. They will help you release the Creative You.

“You are His Poem. Your heart and your art are His song to the world. Sing it loud.” ~ Life Creative

I’m guessing that many of you need this book. If you don’t think you do, I’m confident that someone you love needs this book. So I encourage you to (–>Click Here<–) and buy it today before you forget.

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Every Empathetic Leader Needs to Unplug From People

Those of us who are particularly sensitive or empathetic tend to feel the emotions of others. We not only have to contend with our own emotional experiences, but we literally feel what others feel. And sometimes we’re not sure of the distinction between our feelings and the feelings of others.

We see tears and our own eyes fill with tears. We see anger and something inside of us fires up. We see tension and something inside of us tightens up.

The empathetic leader internalizes the notion that relationships are a big responsibility.

What does it feel like when…

  • Your team pulls on you from every direction?
  • Children whine about the choice of food for supper?
  • Students walk in the door with their head down to their chest?
  • Colleagues knit-pick every decision other people make?
  • Your team bombards you with questions about the upcoming transition?

You may be completely capable of meeting each of these scenarios with grace and wisdom, but it doesn’t take long before they all add up and the needs of the people around you begin to feel overwhelming.

Quiet Time

Empathetic leaders need to unplug from people.We’ve all heard a lot about the importance of unplugging or disconnecting from social media, email and electronics, in general. It’s definitely important to give our bodies and minds a break from the barrage of media and information overload. Taking time away from these things helps us refresh and remember why we engage in these mediums in the first place.

But electronics are not the only thing we need to unplug from. We need to unplug from people, too. I call it Quiet Time. QT is a period of disconnection from emotional stimulation. It is a time when no one is pulling on you to meet their needs or give them attention. The amount of QT you need each day depends on you and your circumstances. You may have a limited window of opportunity for it and it may take some creativity to work it in.

Be proactive in planning your QT. Don’t wait for overwhelm to strike before you lash out at everyone to get them to leave you alone. Don’t wait until you’re about to crumble under the weight of the emotional storm around you. Plan ahead! Work QT into your daily routine and have a plan in place for a quick moment of down time in case you need it.

Here are some ways you can work QT into your daily routine:

  • Drive around for an extra 10 minutes after work. You will be more engaged and prepared to serve your family when you walk in the door if you are not feeling rushed and frazzled.
  • Take 15 minutes of your lunch time to sit or lay quietly with your eyes closed listening to calming music or praying with a calm heart. For added benefit, do it in a dark room.
  • If you have children at home, implement QT for everyone, regardless of their age. I prefer to have everyone go to their rooms after lunch to play quietly while I lay down on my bed in the dark.
  • Plan to go for a quiet walk before everyone else gets up or after everyone goes to bed.

Here are a few go-to ideas when you need a quick QT emotional reboot:

  • Go to the bathroom and lock the door for a few minutes.
  • Close the curtains and turn off the light in your office with a “Do not disturb” sign for 5 minutes.
  • Use noise cancelling earplugs or earphones and use them in a noisy, chaotic environment when you don’t need to engage fully.
  • Place a wall between yourself and others. Take your work to another room.
  • Ask a friend to trade playdates with your kids or have a babysitter come entertain your kids for a couple of hours while you rest or go for a walk.

Reboot for Greater Impact


Caring leaders want to be there for their teams. Moms want to be there for their families. Teachers want to be there for their students. But for the person who truly cares, there is a heavy weight of responsibility with each of these relationships. You will be more prepared to meet the needs of those around you if you unplug from them on a regular basis.

If you feel like it’s impossible to accomplish, don’t give up. Employ your creativity and honestly state your needs to the people around you.

How do you reboot emotionally? What suggestions do you have for other empathetic leaders?

If you’re looking for someone to help your hurting team unify and restore to health so you can make a bigger impact together, I’m here to help. CLICK HERE to schedule a no-obligation, 20 minute complementary Voice of Influence Needs Discovery call.

 

 

 

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Why I Wear Sunglasses In Wal-Mart, And Perhaps You Should Too

Indications of Sensory Sensitivity

It just happened. We were looking at pictures of the Nebraska State Fair in anticipation of visiting soon when Grant screeched with glee, right in my ear. I don’t know how to describe how disturbing it is for me when loud, sharp noises upset my internal equilibrium. I went from being at complete peace to feeling inner turmoil in an instant. An INSTANT.

This, my friends, is not a an emotional problem. It is not a relational problem. I am not screwed up and neither is my son. It is not a spiritual problem, though I believe everything is spiritual in one way or another. No, this mood-altering screech was a direct hit to my nervous system. It is physical. I am extremely sensitive to sound.

I don’t think I really noticed it before I had kids. Perhaps something happened in childbirth that impacted my nerves in ways that left me more sensitive to sensory stimulation than I was before. (Check out my series on Childbirth and Postpartum Depression by clicking here) I’ve done a lot of personal research on the matter and I absolutely believe that sensory sensitivity is a thing. A real thing. The sounds of chaotic play, startling “bangs” and screeching children can throw me into instantaneous sobs. INSTANTLY.

shadesMaybe I’m Not Crazy

I avoid our local Wal-Mart* as much as I can unless I feel lazy or desperate. I’ve heard of many reasons why different people avoid it but I have one: It makes me crazy.

I am well aquainted with my tendency to become irritable as I shop there but the other day I courageously stepped into the door with both kids and a short mission. I wondered how long I had before I would start to feel overwhelmed. It took all of five minutes. Aware of how bright lights also bother me, I took note of the fact I was squinting as I pushed the cart down the asile of dishes I ducked into a moment before. So I put on my sunglasses.

Instant relief. INSTANT.

The muscles around my eyes relaxed and nothing felt as urgent. I wore the glasses for a few minutes before I felt really awkward and tucked them back in my purse while I rushed through collecting our remaining necessities. As we checked out I looked around and saw narry a smile. I wondered how many of the employees who work there day after day are also sensitive to the harsh light bouncing off of the blue walls, white fixtures and shiny floors? How many people leave this store believing they hate it, not really knowing why?

How Do I Know & What Do I Do?

Friends, many of us are sensitive to sensory stimulation and just think we’re irritable people. Many of your children are and don’t know how to tell you. So let ME tell you.

If you prefer to work with the lights dimmed…

If you think more clearly when music with a strong beat is playing…

If you cut out the tags in your clothes or find comfort in twirling your hair…

You may be sensitive.

If your infant relaxes when listening to loud heart-beat sounds (as described in this article: click here)…

If your daughter likes to wear tight clothing that presses securely on her skin…

If your son refuses to eat foods with strange textures…

Your child may be sensitive.

There is much more to say on this matter, including the power of sensitivity. I will likely be writing about it for years to come. But for now, know this. If you or your child is sensitive to sight, sound, taste, touch or smell, do three things:

  1. Be Aware. Watch for it. Take note of moments when you feel or your child feels irritable or overwhelmed and consider how your environment may be making you uncomfortable. Plan ahead for next time.
  2. Increase Your Buffer. Intentionally stay in your super-comfort zone at times so that other times you can take courageous steps into an overstimulating environment.
  3. Rest. And above all, get sleep! Sleep makes a world of difference.

Are you sensitive? Do you think of yourself as an irritable person at times, perhaps especially after having kids? What steps do you want to take to help yourself or your child?

Maybe we could all just wear sunglasses in Walmart so no one feels awkward!

*I do not intend to ever bash anyone or anything and that is not the purpose of this article. If you know someone who has a voice with Wal-Mart, please forward them this post so they are aware of this issue that negatively effects their company, completely unrelated to their business practices. Thank you.

Subscribe for weekly email updates that include special content for subscribers, links to new blog posts and information about upcoming events, including the release of my new book in late fall.

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The 1 Thing I Hope My Son Remembers From Our Fairy Tale

I wonder if this day marks the beginning of the end of a fairy tale. You may know the one I’m thinking of – the one where the young knight is inflicted with a paralyzing wound that can only be healed by a kiss.

A mother’s kiss.

It’s a fairy tale, but somehow the power of this special magic has instantly stopped end-of-the-world screams for help. It’s completely blocked floodgates of tears on the spot. It’s turned a paralyzed boy on his heals and turned him into a knight ready to fight again.

Today I walked my little guy into kindergarten. My bright, confident, enthusiastic, sensitive boy.FullSizeRender The paperwork I handed his teacher answered the question “What are your concerns?”

I said that I’m concerned he will get upset and think he needs me to be there to comfort him. Sometimes he runs away and hides under our bed when he’s upset. Sometimes he refuses to talk when his feelings are hurt. And mom is the only person he will engage.

But as I sit here this morning, searching for the truth inside my heart, I am realizing I’m not really concerned about all that. Honestly, I’m more concerned that when he gets hurt he will realize he doesn’t need me to be OK. I’m sad that my special magic is sure to lose it’s power as he grows up and into an independent young man.

I don’t know how many times I’ve kissed his boo boos. Probably two a day for 6 years. Let’s see…that would be over 4,000 magical kisses. That’s a lot of power for one person to wield.

It’s a lot of power to hand back.

I’m guessing my kissing-booboo-days are numbered. I will take his cue to know when it’s time to settle for a hug, to stay in my seat when he falls on the field, to bless him when he finds someone else to adore.

He may forget my kisses, but I pray that his heart will always remember the power of a loving, tender connection in life’s most difficult moments. And I pray he will use that knowledge to fight for the hearts of others with all of his bright, confident, enthusiastic, senstive self.

 

For more about this topic click here: (What The “Movie Move” Means To a 5 Year Old)

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Keep Calm: We’re All Fragile

Teachers, you never know what words will ring in your students’ minds for life. I was a music education student at the University of Nebraska-Kearney in 2000. Though I don’t recall the title of the class, I vividly remember the day Dr. S nailed us to the wall. We were discussing leadership principles and classroom management when the hammer came out.

“Don’t you EVER yell at a kid for your poor classroom management.”

After peeling myself off the back of the band room wall I sat taller and more intent on taking responsibility for being proactive and giving students tangible ways to stay on task rather than blaming their behavior for my own lack of direction.

I Still Remember

Keep Calm
The command follows me around as a parent.There are moments when it all goes well – when everyone is happy and learning and getting along. I love feeling like I’m one step ahead of the kids. But sometimes I’m three steps behind them and I feel horrible. Sometimes I heave big sighs and pull my hair because of how they are acting. And (believe it or not) sometimes I yell at them for my own poor “classroom management.”

I find it difficult to balance the parent-guilt with the child-blaming.

Who is at fault for this behavior right now? Why am I getting so upset? Would someone else please come manage this classroom?!

One thing I have figured out is that sometimes my kids need help calming down. I wrote about this in a Her View From Home article recently. (Click here to view the article.) It’s not always easy for me to calm myself down, so why would I expect my children to calm themselves down in the midst of a tantrum? I think that “classroom management” in this setting looks a lot like a calm mom calming her children and informing them of the consequences of their inappropriate actions later, when everyone is at peace.

Man, is staying calm exhausting! But I definitely notice that when I make threats and allow my intensity to rise, it makes the situation more volatile. And none of us need that.

Keep On Keepin’ On

It’s not easy to write about this kind of thing. I hear my own declarations ring in my ears every time I get upset. I want more for our kids. I want more for their parents. I want to set up the classroom of our home in such a way that our anxiety runs low and our passion runs high.

It takes an enormous amount of time, energy and determination to manage a home with kids. And we all do it differently. So to the parents out there, here’s your virtual hug from me. Keep on keepin’ on. I know it’s exhausting. I know we mess up. And I know we all need to be gentle with ourselves and our kids. Let’s manage our homes with calm hearts. 

For more information about how to manage intense kiddos, check out Kirk Martin’s website Celebrate Calm (click here) or follow Celebrate Calm on Facebook. I’m a fan. 🙂

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I Don’t Want To Read This Post

Some Days.

Some days I don’t want to read.
Some days I don’t want to write.
Some days I want to go to the movies and eat popcorn and let someone else inspire.

Some days I don’t want to care.
Some days I don’t want to hope.
Some days I want to leave my sunglasses on and let someone else see the depths of others.

But other days I do read and write and care and hope.
And on those days I tend to the weeds growing through the foundation of my soul.
On those days as I soak in the sun, I plant and water and nourish and share the harvest of kindness, hope and love.

Because I don’t want to forget the other days on some days.
I care too much to let the some-day weeds overtake my other-days garden.
So on some days I walk slowly through the other-days beauty and try to remember the passion and power and joy of the other days.

And then I go to sleep praying that I’ll not forget to rest in the grace of the well-tended garden of the other days.

Rest in the garden

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The #1 Lesson From Inside-Out

7 spoiler-free conversation starters

 

I have been waiting for months to take my kids to see Disney Pixar’s Inside Out, and I wasn’t disappointed on opening day. The movie offers a great way to explain the concept that what we feel on the inside has a direct effect on what we do on the outside.

Rather than offer a summary of the movie or comment on its stunning visuals and clever concepts, I want to simply share the #1 deep lesson I hope my kids…well…everyone learns from it and 7 conversation starters for you to use with the special kid in your life.

#1 Lesson:

Emotions can feel confusing, overwhelming and scary at times. But you do not need to be afraid of sadness. Sometimes sadness is the gateway to the deepest joy. 

Conversation Starters (not intended to use consecutively or completely):

1. What did Joy think of Sadness through the first part of the movie?

2. Why did Joy change her mind about Sadness?

3. What was good about Sadness in the end of the movie?

4. How did Sadness help Riley and her parents?

5. Sometimes I get frustrated or angry. When that happens I push people away — kind of like what Riley did. But pushing people away never makes me happy. Do you think Riley would have been happy if she stayed on the bus? Does pushing people away ever make you happy?

6. What did Riley’s parents do when she was honest about her sadness? Do you think Riley was glad she told them she was sad?

7. What color were Riley’s memories at the end? Why?

I hope you have a great time discussing Inside Out with those you love. I sure did!

 

 

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What The “Movie Move” Means To A 5 Year Old

Last weekend I had one of my favorite dates ever – with our 5 ½ year old son, Grant. After a quick trip to Burger King to devour his cheeseburger and strawberry-banana smoothie, we headed home to watch Planes Fire & Rescue. I brought three baskets of laundry out to the living room but when the he invited me to sit next to him, I decided not to multi-task the little guy.

He snuggled into my arm for a while until the heat from the fire got to him. Not long after that the intensity of the movie heightened and the date became epic.

Oh my! What’s going to happen?! This is kind of scary!

Grant gently put his arm around my back and began to pat my shoulder. In an upbeat voice he said, “It’s OK mom. It will be OK. I’ve seen it before and it will be OK.”  Movie Move

I melted into my son. He held my heart in his sweet hands and we connected deeply. At the tender age of five, the kid saw me in my distress and reached out to comfort me the same way I often comfort him. He knows instinctively what most of us push away by the time we are adults: tender touch and acknowledgement of distress is comforting, lessoning our experience of pain.

I’m not sure when it is that people begin to resist giving and receiving physical expressions of comfort. At some point it seems we get the message we need to be tough, not letting physical or emotional pain get to us. Shake it off. Deny it’s presence. Use distraction to keep from feeling it. Stay away and I won’t cry.

I suppose each of these strategies has its merits. The fact is that neuroscience is making interesting breakthroughs in understanding pain as a perception translated in the brain. Both physical and emotional pain are processed similarly and thus intimately tied. I hate to admit it, but the more I learn about it, the more I realize that pain is indeed all in my head.

But one fascinating aspect of physical and emotional distress is that their relief is also intimately tied. When I comfort Grant by kissing his wounds, he literally feels better! When I deny him my attention, his experience of physical pain is apparently worse. It is a lot easier to see this in a child. Young children still want to be comforted by a person.

The same is true of me. When I feel emotional or physical pain, my initial reaction is to physically or verbally throw my hand up. Hand

Stay away! I don’t want you to touch me!

Why? Because I don’t want to cry in your presence. If you offer comfort and I am actually comforted by you, you hold my heart in your hands – and I’m not sure I can trust you with my heart, so I’ll just scare you or push you away.

Is it possible to be deeply connected to another person if we refuse their comfort?

Here are a couple of things I’ve learned from our kids and my own experience needing comfort:

  • The gruffest reaction comes from the most tender heart. See tears under the refusal of comfort and under the anger.
  • Ease your way in. When I am overwhelmed and throwing a grown-up tantrum, I need some perspective. But I won’t be ready to receive that perspective until you reach out. I often rub lotion on the back of a child throwing a tantrum. It is a physical reminder that we are not fundamentally and irreversibly screwed up in each other’s eyes.
  • It is easiest to receive comfort from someone who isn’t afraid of being comforted themselves. If you aren’t comforted in your own pain, you won’t be able to truly comfort someone else.

I hope Grant continues to use the movie move  – to comfort others with the same kind of comfort he receives.

Like Andrea Joy Wenburg on Facebook for additional information about pain perception and sensitivity.

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An Extra-Special-Kind-Of-Sensitive

This morning our youngest was an extra-special-kind-of whiny and clingy. He didn’t want to run errands with dad or go to preschool, which was out of character. “I want to be with you, mom.”

And then I remembered: I was a mess yesterday. I felt overwhelmed with all of my failings and an extra-special-kind-of sensitive to perceived criticism. And when I am a mess, the next day our youngest is a mess. I hate it when my emotional intensity comes out in ways that negatively impact others. I have more thoughts on this subject, but for now…

I want to share a little ebook I made. It is a short, illustrated poem. It takes just a minute and is free to read.  I read it again tonight and was encouraged by a vision greater than my mess. Click on the link at the bottom of this post (not the picture) to view the book.

Enjoy.  And share.

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Illustrated by, PascalCampion

Link:   http://storybird.com/books/the-dreamer-121/