When I Should Feel Joy #2: Post-Partum Depression

…One nurse caught me in a weak, tearful moment and gruffly asked, “Are you depressed?!” I pulled it together enough to sternly pronounce, “No. I am a counselor. I would know if I were depressed.”

She backed off.

And I backed into my shell…

An excerpt from my previous post: When I Should Feel Joy #1: Unprepared.  


When one clams up, whatever is inside will find its way out, one way or another.

At first my insides came out as tears. They weren’t tears of joy or tears of sadness or tears of sentiment. They were tears of pain. I tried not to think about my time in the hospital when I felt helpless and invisible. But inevitably one thing or another would catch me off guard and I would be right back in the pain and embarrassment of giving birth. My mind and body’s natural inclination was to cave in on itself when this would happen. I couldn’t always curl up in a fetal position to protect myself from the outside world, but I wanted to. Nothing I did could really fend off the feeling of pain. And other than my averted eyes and the occasional admission that I was having a tough time adjusting to having two kids, most people had no indication I was suffering.

And then I started fighting.

I got better at preparing for the certain reminders of my helplessness and invisibility by scanning my environment for threats. That’s when I took up verbal boxing. After throwing a couple of punches, I realized boxing felt WAY better than laying down and taking hits. Adrenaline-anger made me strong. And anger kept people away – especially my family, the most likely people to touch the black and blue inside of me. I’m not typically a mean person, but blame allowed me to validate my anger. I began to believe that I was the center of a deep conspiracy: Everyone – do everything you can to make life hard for Andrea. It didn’t make sense, but it didn’t have to make sense. It just had to be a reason to thrust me out of helpless tears into powerful anger.

My internal equilibrium was incredibly fragile, so anything unexpected threw me off. Anyone asking something of me felt like a jab I had to dodge.

Baby waking.

Supper burning.

Milk spilling.

How DARE they ask anything of me! I can’t take it. Make it STOP!  And so I would verbally jab back:

PLEASE go back to sleep!

I’m sorry I’m such a horrible cook!

Stupid dog!

I hate thinking about it. I loved my husband and kids, but the joy I expected to feel after having a second baby felt like a pipe-dream. It’s not supposed to be like this!

If you only saw me in the boxing ring, you would have no idea that the only reason I was fighting was in order to access a strength that pushed back on the hits that threatened to knock me out. It was all I had.

It certainly felt that way.

Praying you might tuck these in your heart today:

  1. (from When I Should…#1) Joy is what I felt I should feel after giving birth, so I hid my pain. But honestly, most women struggle. My expectations for what “I should feel” made it harder to accept the pain and sadness I experienced.
  2. Clamming up did not help me, my kids or my husband because: When one clams up, whatever is inside will find its way out, one way or another. And usually someone gets hurt.
  1. Every loud sound and every sudden movement felt like an attack on my entire being. I felt every tear my babies cried and every posture of confused defeat when my husband came close. That’s why it seemed like a conspiracy. I was completely overwhelmed and fragile. I had no buffer to absorb the blows that threw me off. I have come to know this fragility as sensitivity. Do you ever feel that way? (I have much more to say on this topic. Please come back for more.)
  1. I didn’t feel better when I was angry, but the adrenaline that pumped gave me energy. I have since come to believe that: SAD IS UNDER ANGRY. I have not yet come across an exception. I was definitely angry, but I put anger on top of my sadness. I chose it over tears. I don’t have to choose anger. You don’t, either. There is Comfort to be found but it is not found while boxing…unless you come across a beautiful soul who will let you beat on their chest until you collapse into their arms. I believe God does that. Probably a better choice than taking the fight to the people we love.

Clam Up

This picture is my wink-nudge-nudge. Know where I took it?!

When I Should Feel Joy #1: Unprepared

When I Should Feel Joy #2: Postpartum Depression

When I Should Feel Joy #3: Shame

When I Should Feel Joy #4: True Love

When I Should Feel Joy #5: Deeper Joy

11 Steps to Prevent and Fight Depression

When the Gift Disappoints

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas — just like the ones I used to know…

I hate disappointing people. But with songs expressing familiar sentiments like that, ’tis the season to disappoint!

The other night Amelia (7) was very sad. I asked what was wrong and through tears she began listing off a bunch of ways I failed so far this month.

You SAY we’re going to do this and we don’t. You SAY we’re going to leave at this time and then we leave ten minutes later and I’m always late. We haven’t done the advent calendar and I’m NEVER going to get my gifts ready in time for Christmas!

And in my head I added…

And the flippin’ Elf keeps forgetting to move and never does anything fun!

By the time she was done, I was a hot mess of tears. She felt bad for making me cry but the truth is, the girl speaks truth. I DON’T follow through on a lot of stuff (for all kinds of reasons that a 7 year old can’t understand), and I DO underestimate how long it will take to get places (about 10 minutes under MOST of the time), and the poor girl HASN’T gotten to read our special advent activity every morning (even though most days we do something special, eventually), and the Elf DIDN’T take the peppermint stick she gave him or pop into her room this year (good thing he leaves a letter explaining everything before he goes back to the North Pole)!!!!!!

But the big question remains – will we get our gifts complete in time for Christmas? Will everyone like what they get or will they be disappointed?!

Here are my thoughts on the matter after a few days of reflection:

  • Disappointing people is devastating to me. I hate to be the cause of someone else’s suffering, for any reason! But then again, I am a person in relationship with other people. It comes with the territory. I guess I could wallow in self-doubt all the time, but where would that get any of us? I’m pretty sure self-deprecation never made anyone more loving. Sometimes it’s best to ask forgiveness, regroup and move on.
  • Christmas gifts are a lot of fun, but geesh! What is the point if I’m tense and worried leading up to Christmas and apologetic and defensive when it’s time to open presents? Who would want to be around that?! The truth is, nothing under the tree compares to the love I have to give. Nothing.

 Nothing Compares to Love

So the next time I disappoint, I hope to graciously admit it, let it go, then step right back into relationship with all that I am.

Merry Christmas, Friend!  

*I would love for you to share this post with friends, if you feel so inclined! Let’s get the word out that this Christmas – we’re gonna love.*

 

Advent for the Little Ones

Advent was a special time for my family when I was growing up. I loved turning off all the lights and gathering around our tree, warming our backsides by the fire.

Being the serious child I was, I loved the devotion, prayer and feeling connected with my mom, dad and sister. But the ultimate best part was when Dad pulled out his twelve string guitar and we sang Come On Ring Those Bells. Ahh…

We’ve attempted to recreate the same atmosphere with out kids for Advent. Sunday we turned the lights off, lit the first advent candle and for a whopping 3 minutes there was peace on earth. Then the kids became restless as the story went on and on and they started a heated argument about who would strum mom’s guitar first and who would blow out the candle.

I guess I overshot their attention span. Rather than agonizing about it like I did last year, Aaron and I decided to let them be who they are and meet them where they are. So we’re taking it down a few notches the rest of advent and focusing on what we most want them to have: an experience that helps them remember the reason for Christmas. We want a lot more than that but for now…

This is a little poem I wrote a couple of years ago for 3-4 year olds and still seems relevant for our 5 & 7 year olds. I usually read it and they get to act it out with the Fisher Price Nativity characters. Maybe it will meet your kids/grandkids where they are too.

Check out the free PDF of the Children’s Advent Poem I designed for you as you exit this site.

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There once was a stable
Full of donkeys, sheep and cows
It was a dirty, stinky place
But God chose it anyhow

A mom and dad came looking
For a place to spend the night
The stable was the only choice
No other bed in sight!

The world was a lonely place
God wanted to show His love
So He became a baby
And came down from up above!IMG_1263.JPG

“Now it’s time to celebrate!”
The angels sang with cheer
“Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men
Go tell your friends he’s here!”

Three wise men came a long, long way
God led them with a star
They brought Jesus special gifts
But he just wants your heart

The baby became a grown-up
“God loves you”, Jesus sang
“This is my special gift to you”
Let all the earth proclaim…

That – Jesus loves me, this I know
Now I can love Him too!
Away in a manger, Jesus was born
He came for me and you!

 

 

Dressember

The statistics are staggering.

The atrocities are appalling.

Some people make choices that make them vulnerable to traffickers. Others are ripped from their lives and families. Regardless of how they got there, the idea that humans in 2014 would use and abuse other humans for their own gain and pleasure makes me nauseous. And don’t worry. I have a sense of the complex inconsistencies and hypocricy that I embody as a white, middle class business owner in the U.S. I feel tangled up in an intricate web of injustices that I (often unknowingly) participate in. So I have stayed quiet. I’ve prayed for justice and love to prevail but I haven’t done much to promote it outside of attempting to make small changes in my own life.

I have been quiet long enough. I have neglected to do something to help long enough.

The month of December our daughter Amelia Dawn and I will be participating in Dressember. It is not a license to go shopping, it IS a movement to raise awareness and funds for the dignity and justice of all human beings. The funds we raise go to International Justice Mission – an organization who fights for the freedom of the enslaved and the prosecution of enslavers. If you have been wanting to do something but haven’t known how, I invite you to join Amelia and I. Participate in Dressember and raise funds, or contribute to our fundraising campaign. All money donated goes directly to IJM.

https://support.dressemberfoundation.org/fundraise?is_new=1&fcid=382025

Dressember

For the inherent dignity of all people.

For the strength, courage and beauty of femininity.

For justice and hope and freedom.

For the sake of love.

Because I am uncomfortable in dresses.

Because I am grieved for the enslaved and long for their total freedom.

Because I am grieved for the enslavers and long for their spiritual freedom.

Because I believe in the work of International Justice Mission.

To call attention to beauty.

To raise my awareness about the reality of slavery.

To raise others’ awareness about the reality of slavery.

To raise funds for IJM to rescue and defend the vulnerably exposed.

Let’s make a difference together.

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Yes, we have our Christmas Tree up before Thanksgiving.

…and this is how it happened.

We celebrated Thanksgiving with part of our family last weekend. On the way home on Sunday the kids asked if we could put up our Christmas tree. Being the brilliant mom I am I said, “I have to clean the house before we can start to put up decorations. As soon as that’s done, we’ll put up the tree.”

They helped clean for about an hour and then this happened when I wasn’t looking:

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The kids had energy and excitement to do the tree that night – so we got ‘er done.

That night reminded me that sometimes it’s just best to join in the passion-flow of those around me than to stick to my own agenda.

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And that is why our Christmas Tree is up before Thanksgiving.

“Let It Go” Painting

For Amelia’s Frozen birthday party we chose an art project in the spirit of self-expression and beauty.

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What you need:

Plenty of time. It takes 2 1/2 hours for the project to be dry enough to transport home. You can prep the canvases ahead of time if you want to cut off 30 minutes.

We played games like Pin the Nose on Olaf and had a Frozen sing-a-long during the drying time.

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You also need a canvas, paint shirt and brush for each person and Elsa-esk paint. We used Acrylic/Master’s Touch Rouge, Lake Blue Titanium White and Phthalocyanine Blue from Hobby Lobby.

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1. Prep the canvases with watered down white paint. Cover the front and sides of the canvas with a thin layer of the white paint. Let it dry for about 30 minutes.

2. Scatter small dots of each color of paint on each canvas. Have the artist swipe their brush back and forth to create the feeling of snow blowing. Use more drops of paint to achieve the desired coloring.

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The more paint used, the longer it takes to dry. I recommend doing only a thin layer of paint. We did not paint the sides because of our close quarters and lack of dry time.

When the paint is mostly dry, mix a little blue and white together to create a new color for the wording. I showed the kids an example and approximately where to place their letters. They painted the words themselves if they were comfortable doing so.

After another 20 minutes or so to let the words dry, water down Liquitex Basics Iridescent Medium and lightly paint it over the entire canvas, carefully avoiding spots that are still wet. The iridescent paint gives the paintings a snowy quality. If the iridescent paint is thick, the painting will look almost white. I did my own experiment a few days before the party to be sure I knew how much paint and time the whole project would take.

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The kids were proud of the final products and excited to take them home to put in their rooms!

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If you do this project, I would love to see your finished product!!

Check out my reflections on the movie in my post Frozen Top Ten http://andreajoywenburg.wordpress.com/2014/11/24/frozen-top-ten/

Summer Salad

Summer Salad

Summer salad. Oh my!

20 min.

Ingredients:

1 C cooked quinoa

Small yellow onion

1/2 of a green pepper

1/2 of a red pepper

1 bunch of kale (tear leaf pieces from the center white portion and cut into small bites)

A handful of grape tomatoes

1 chopped avocado

garlic salt to taste

Cook quinoa (similar to rice). At the same time, throw chopped onion, red and green pepper in the skillet (cook in own juices or water…no oil) and sauté until soft. Add chopped kale and garlic salt to taste and let steam for a couple minutes (add more water if skillet is dry). Rinse Quinoa with cool water in a colander and toss into a bowl with vegetables. Add 1 chopped avocado and a handful of chopped grape tomatoes. Season with additional garlic salt to taste. Serve it up!

Super-Duper Pasta Sauce

Pasta Sauce

 

Pasta Sauce

 

All ingredients and amounts are flexible, dependent upon taste and availability.  If you can think of something else good to add, go for it!  This recipe takes about 45 min. to an hour to complete, but you end up with a huge pot of sauce to use and freeze for later.

 

For it to be tomato sauce:

5 Quarts of canned tomatoes

  • I often use tomatoes canned with peppers and onions from our garden.
  • I also usually use one of the quarts to blend with other things and add a tomato paste texture.

For green veggie goodness:

1 5oz package of fresh or frozen spinach, cooked until it looks wilted.

  • I prefer to steam it in the microwave using no additional water and preserving all the nutrients in the juice for the sauce.

For wholesome sweetness:

1 package carrots (about 10), cooked until soft

  • You can use a bag of baby carrots, which are a lot less work.  I just feel bad for the big guys sometimes.

2 Red Bell Peppers, cooked

  • You can use yellow or orange, but red helps with the coloring of the sauce.
  • Adding more can only make the sauce sweeter!  Yum.

For protein and a little texture:

2 cups of Sandy Willard’s white beans, cooked

  • Or 1 can of any white beans

For savory flavor:

1 whole head of garlic, roasted or steamed

A big bunch of fresh herbs – basil & rosemary or ¼-½  a bottle of dried herbs (Rosemary Herb mix from Pampered Chef is excellent!)

1 tsp. Salt (but really…it’s probably not necessary)

Optional :

2 heads of broccoli, cut small and cooked.

1 package of chopped mushrooms

1 can chopped artichoke hearts

 

Dump 4 quarts of tomatoes in a large saucepan and set on med-low heat.  Stir periodically.

Clean and cook vegetables and garlic until they are soft.  Blend them in a blender, then add to the tomatoes.

Blend beans and add to the pot.  (I usually blend them along with some tomatoes to make it easier to get them out of the blender.)

Chop fresh herbs (or get out your dried herbs) and add them to the pot.

Add optional chopped vegetables, if you want.  You might need to divide the sauce into two pans at this point.

Let the sauce simmer for 10-20 minutes while your pasta is cooking.

Serve it up and feel great knowing your family is getting a variety of awesome, low-fat nutrients, hardly any salt and NO sugar!

Freeze the rest in bags, according to how much you use at a time.  I usually divide the sauce into four groups – one to serve and three to freeze.  I have also canned this basic recipe (minus the beans) and it turned out great.  But I don’t know much about canning safety, so don’t take my word for it.

Let me know if you try it and if you find any tweeks that I could try.