How often do we see memes on Facebook about it being “wine o’clock” or how often do we hear references in pop culture about how alcohol is the answer to a stressful day or the perfect way to celebrate a special occasion? Today’s guest has made it her mission to change this narrative.
Kate Bee is the founder of The Sober School; where she coaches women through early sobriety and helps them navigate alcohol-free living without feeling deprived or miserable.
In this episode, Kate talks about her own journey with sobriety, her mission of trying to change the narrative around sobriety, why she tries to work with people before they’ve hit rock bottom, her tip for handling a situation where others are pressuring you to drink with them, what helps her publish her content even when she has doubts or insecurities, and so much more!
Take a listen to the episode below!
Mentioned in this episode:
- Kate Bee’s Website
- Kate Bee’s Free Guide: How to Survive Wine O’Clock
- Kate Bee’s Blog
- Kate Bee on Instagram
- Kate Bee on Facebook
Play here (the red triangle below), on iTunes, Stitcher or TuneIn Radio (Amazon Alexa) or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Transcript
Hey, hey! It’s Andrea and welcome to the Voice of Influence podcast.
Today, I have with me my Kate Bee, Kate who lives in Manchester in the United Kingdom. I’m so excited to have you and we were able to connect on this, Kate.
Kate is the founder of the Sober School where she coaches women through early sobriety and help them navigate alcohol-free living without feeling deprived or miserable, which I think is just a really interesting topic, so I’m excited to hear more about that. And Kate, how you got into it?
So welcome to the Voice of Influence podcast, Kate!
Kate Bee: Thank you so much. Thank you for having me and it’s nice to talk to you.
Andrea: Yes. We were just discussing before we started the recording that it’s been a year in a half since we meet at Amy Porterfield’s live events in San Diego.
Kate Bee: Yeah. I know that was so cool. That was such a big deal for me at the time going all the way, leaving rainy England going to sunny San Diego. But yeah, I met lots of great people at that event including your good self, so it’s nice to catch up.
Andrea: So Kate, could you share with the audience just a little bit more about what it is that your program is and what you’re doing right now?
Kate Bate: Sure! So yeah, I help women who are drinking too much to stop drinking and actually feel good about it. So rather than feeling like it’s the end of the world and it’s an awful thing that they got no choice in, I try and inspire people and show them that alcohol-free living can actually feel really good and just be a really positive way of life.
So I’ve got a 6-week online course which I run a few times a year and I gather together a big group of women and everybody starts the course on the same day. So you kind of get to be part of this tribe who are all going through this exact same experience.
It guides people through their first six weeks of early sobriety and really helps set them up either for an alcohol-free lifestyle or guide them through a break, because lots of people are kind of dip in their toes in the water and just want to see what it feels like to stop drinking. Wine can make you feel really rubbish and it’s good to take a break and do it with a support of a group around you.
Andrea: You know, this topic, when I was first introduced to you, Kate, it really intrigued me because actually I spent some time working with some folks in a recovery counseling center, not as a counselor per se, but more as like a minister or chaplain kind of voice in that setting. So in that setting, it felt like people were sort at the bottom of the barrel in their lives. They just were sort hit that rock bottom and they were going through rehab really or a 12-step program.
It sounds to me like what you’re talking about here is not necessarily that 12-step program kind of thing but a little less intense. How would you fit it into the scheme of you know, the landscape of the sort of program?
Kate Bee: Yeah that’s a great point because one of the things I try to do is to work with people before they hits any kind of rock bottom and that’s a big part of my message is that, if alcohol is making you feel at all unhappy and miserable then you can stop and you can change that path. You don’t have to wait until you are in rehab or you have lost your job or, you know, any of this other kind of stereotypical things that we associate with people when they really do go a bit further down that downward spiral.
So I tend to work with women who are, to the outside world, perfectly fine. They are holding down good jobs. They got busy lives. Generally they got kids and you know, they make everything happens. They get the kids to school. They go to work. They do good job. They put a meal on the table at the end of the day. Their lives to the outside world seem to be on track but they are feeling more and more rundown by the amount of alcohol that they are drinking. I tend to deal with people just _____ who had years and years thinking that wine, beer, or whatever it is is a thing that keeping their lives together. And now they’re just starting to think, “Actually, I think this is what is making my life so hard enough _____.”
So yeah, it is about showing people that you can stop drinking before things get really, really bad, just in the same way that you can stop using any of the drugs. You can stop smoking before you get some kind of lung disease. So a big part of my work is trying to change the narrative around sobriety and making it less of something that you have to do when all other options are being exhausted as a kind of punishment and more a conscious choice that you can make any time.
Andrea: Yeah. That’s really encouraging. I think that a lot of people who have a message, we struggle to figure out exactly what that niche is. And it sounds to me like you’re not necessarily saying; everybody should stop drinking, even though it might something that’s inside of you a desire to see. You’re also not saying, if you’re at the rock bottom. You’re speaking specifically to a certain kind of person. From what I understand, you have a personal connection to that person, is that right?
Kate Bee: Yeah, definitely. I was inspired to start with the Sober School after going through something like this myself. I was never a rock bottom alcoholic. I was that person, you know, I showed up to work every day. I kept things together. The most common reaction I got when I stopped drinking with people would say to me, “But I didn’t know you had a problem. Are you sure you need to stop drinking?”
So I was really good at hiding how alcohol affected me. And yeah, I don’t have any dramatic stories of waking up in hospital or getting into trouble at work or anything like that. But I was like many women. I started drinking at a young age because it made me feel more confident. It made me be the kind of teenager and young person that I wished I was. You’re better at partying, better talking to boys, better at everything and then it just slowly moved from my best friend into my worst enemy. It didn’t seem to _____ whether I had a good day or bad day whether I cheer myself up or celebrating something, I was always just drinking a bit too much and waking up feeling hang over and feeling awful.
But my problem was that when I look for help and this is kind of…I’ve only started looking for help back in 2009, 2010 and it was a while I stopped drinking in 2013. When I was looking for help, I couldn’t find anything that applied to me. It all seemed so extreme and it was talking about people going to rehab or going to meetings or you know talking about a kind of level of addiction that I wasn’t experiencing. But yeah, I knew in my gut that alcohol wasn’t doing me any good at all.
So yeah, I’m really pleased I kind of took a leap of faith and did decide to quit. Yeah, I’ve been really passionate since then about kind of saying to people; there is this middle ground between being a normal drinker and being alcoholic. There are many shades of grey in between and it’s trying to get off the bus a bit earlier if you want to.
Andrea: So why do you think that people need or want a program like yours, you know, that something that has some guidance to it and it sounds like some community as well. Why do you think that people need that and don’t just…
Kate Bee: Don’t just stop drinking?
Andrea: Yeah.
Kate Bee: I think it’s really because alcohol is in everything we do. I mean, obviously, I live in England where we are particularly big drinkers. I went with women all over the world, lots of women in the U.S. and some in Australia as well and whatever we’ve agreed on is that we seemed to be living in this very busy world while we are encouraged and it’s cool to drink on your birthday, on a wedding, on a debut’s party, or a funeral. You think if any kind of event or gathering and the chances are this will be involved in some way.
If you’re on Facebook, the chances are you see Facebook, means all the time about Wine O’ Clock, Mommy Juice and all the stuff, because if there’s problem in life can be solve by drinking alcohol. It’s very difficult to change your behavior when you are surrounded by those kinds of messages. It’s cool to be sober, but also it’s not cool to be the person who can’t control their drinking. You’re really stuck in that environment.
So one of feedback I got most from the women I work with is “Wow, I had no idea other people felt like this, because people feels so alone and they think they’re they only people who are struggling in this way.” So yeah, it’s a funny old world really and it’s hard to stop drinking. I often compare this actually to smoking. I don’t know what it’s like where you are but here, smoking is not cool anymore. Things have really changed in terms of smoking.
But I can remember not that long ago when I was at school, smoking was still a bit cool and actually I had a bit of a hard time because I don’t really like smoking. And I think we’re still stuck in that when it comes to drinking. We’re still pressuring people to drink and be cool and we’re questioning them when they don’t drink, which is kind of crazy.
Andrea: Do you get that a lot. I mean, maybe not so much now but when you first were deciding to be sober and you were out and about, did you get a lot of questions and looks and things like that?
Kate Bee: Huh yes, absolutely! Yeah, it’s like I have to justify myself choosing not to consume this drug, not to drink and people just can’t understand it. I think sometimes people; they’re coming at you from a place where, perhaps they feel a little bit self-conscious about their drinking or they prefer drinking in a group and it’s a bit odd when someone changes their behavior. Yeah, I used to get a lot of questions about it, but fortunately, now I’ve gone so far the other way, people know just _____.
Andrea: Do you think that people feel like you’re judging them by not participating with them. I mean, have you heard that kind of feedback or did you get that sense at all and how do you navigate that?
Kate Bee: Yeah. No one said that explicitly but I think that is what behind…I think that is what people feeling when they’re saying “Oh come on, come on, just have one, just join in.” They do _____ a bit judged. My tip for navigating that situation is always to be extremely positive _____ how you’re feeling inside. Make it clear that you’re just taking a break from drinking or taking some time off and you’re loving it. You’re feeling really good. You’re really surprised how much you’re enjoying it and you’re very happy for everyone else to drink. You’re still going to be the life and soul of the party, nothing else has changed. Own that conversation and be really positive about it and don’t let people push you into drinking. I would always _____ first to say that sometimes I’ve seen people bullied other people into drinking.
Andrea: Yeah that’s probably true. You know, I was thinking about the…oh gosh, I had this thought in my head and so I’m going to add this out. So one of the things that I hear from people and I’ve noticed is that people do seem to feel more comfortable when they have a drink in their hands and yet, you just said something about, you know, telling them that nothing’s going to change, they’re still going to be the life of the party. Do you find that the people that come through at the Sober School that they actually are able to still tap into that person that they were like when they were drinking in the positive sense you know being more outgoing perhaps or comfortable. Is that part of what you talked about or how do you know how they’re able to handle that?
Kate Bee: It’s the big part of what we talked about. First of all, people do feel more comfortable with drink in their hands. I feel more comfortable with the drink in my hands in an alcohol-free drink. So I say to people, get a drink and just because you’re not drinking alcohol doesn’t mean you should be empty-handed, doesn’t mean you should be drinking water or something boring, get a nice drink. But a big thing we do on the course is to really analyze what is you think alcohol is providing for you because a lot of people fall into these habits where they think that alcohol is what is making the party fun or alcohol is what’s making them sociable and having a good time.
So we go through some exercises while we look at parties where you have perhaps not had a good time, where you have actually felt pretty bored or stuck for things to say even though you’ve been drinking loads and loads and loads. So yeah, how does that workout? If alcohol is the magic fun in a glass party juice type _____ then it should work every time. We talked a bit about, you know, if you’re going to events that you can only enjoy by getting drunk with them, should you be going to these events anyway?
We’re not around for long. We’ve got one shot at this life, we should be living it to the max in doing stuff that we genuinely enjoy creating. A life that really is fun, not one that we have to kind of bumble through slightly drunk in order to stomach certain things, so yeah, it is an adjustment. I’m not going to lie about that. It feels a bit a lot you’ve lost a comfort blanket at the beginning.
But when you start really analyzing these thoughts rationally, you can get to a place where you go to a party and you do feel like your best self because you know you are. You’re showing up. You’re clear-headed. You’re not going to be the boring person who’s saying the same old anecdote five times because you’re slightly drunk and you can’t remember that you said it already. You’re going to be a good company.
Andrea: Yeah, I like that. OK, so Kate, I know that as with anybody who is sharing something, sharing a passionate message that they have, our voices kind of shift, morph, or mature become even sometimes more powerful. Do you think that over the past few years that you’ve been doing this, have you felt a shift in your own voice as you’ve spoken about this, as you’ve executed the Sober School and talked to more and more people about your message?
Kate Bee: Yeah. I’ve been thinking about this ahead of knowing that I was going to speak to you and just kind of reflecting on how things have changed because I really think, “Yeah, things have really changed so much over the past few years.” When I first started out, I felt very unsure of myself and _____ I would think the most often is, “Who do you think you are writing this blog, giving people this advice? What are you doing?” I would have these massive doubts, so unsure of myself. I think it’s only _____ as my blog has grown and I’ve had more people follow that and really resonate with it and tell me that they like what I was saying that I became more confident and I think I will say I’ve become more confident in my own style and my own approach.
I used to get worried about offending people who had slightly different opinions on alcoholism or the best way to go about things and then I realized that that’s OK. Actually, there is something to be said for certain people who just don’t resonate with your message rather than trying to be, you know, wanting to all people. It is better to _____ down effectively and have your beliefs and answers stick with them. So yeah, I feel like it’s been a long, long journey and I still have plenty of doubts now.
Andrea: Especially when you’re first starting, but even now if you’re still having doubts at times. What gets you passed those to actually press publish on your blog post or on your social media pages or whatever, why do you keep doing it or why did you have the courage even when you didn’t have the feedback yet?
Kate Bee: Well, yeah. I guess I’ve been held out slightly on that. Before I started the Sober School, I did have another blog just on WordPress. A kind of free WordPress and I do _____ experimented with my own voice and I I have _____ idea what resonates to the people. I’d have some really positive feedback from people through writing that blog. They said to me like, “I just like hearing what you’re doing and your emails always seem to come at the right time.”
So I think that gave me that confident to really go for it and think, “Well, if I helped five people with that blog, perhaps if I do my Sober School blog and work consistently and be really kind of establish myself there, I can help more people.” That’s the thing I still come back to each today.
Every time, I write a blog, I always get an email from someone saying, “Huh, this came at just the right time.” So I think, “OK, I helped one person.” I think that’s what makes me keep going. It’s a bit late in a day here in the UK, I just had a day of really struggling to write a blog post, so yes that would be one of those that I think, “OK, you got to stop worrying about this, press publish.”
Andrea: What kinds of things are still hard to publish?
Kate Bee: I think probably about things that has more to do with me personally. When I started off on this journey, I used to share a lot about me on my drinking, on my experiences. But as more people have found out about the Sober School and my auntie knows and my cousins _____ from my mom, I sometimes really get self-conscious about the things that I’m writing, whereas, I didn’t use to think about that before.
I used to just write and I’ve been thinking about my ideal customers or readers. I just been thinking about that and I published it with them in mind. So something I really have to work on is that self-conscious kind of…what do you call it? That voice that kind of saying, “Ohh do you wanna say this?” Maybe it will come from the same place, the self-doubt, they just have a different _____ now, but yeah, sharing personal stuff is still quite a big deal for me.
Andrea: It can put you in the line of judgment, it sounds like.
Kate Bee: Yeah, yeah definitely because there are some parts of the recovery community online who are quite vocal about why you shouldn’t do this or you should do this. And yeah then there are other people in my real life, who I always think “Oh what are they really thinking about me?” I’m coming across like a very paranoid person and I’m not.
Andrea: Well, now, you’ve come so far. It’s clear that this is a small piece of it but it stills something that everybody deals with I think and so that’s why I asked.
Kate Bee: Yeah, yeah. I do feel _____ when I hear about other, you know, people who have much bigger businesses, like I’ve heard Marie Forleo and Amy Porterfield talked about self-doubt as well. So that’s what makes me feel better.
Andrea: Most definitely. Yeah, the idea that somebody else could pull back or you know cast some sort of judgment on us, I think is definitely one of those things that is ever present and yet what’s telling is that you keep pressing publish. There’s still that you care more about the message of the people that need it than you know…I call it a sacrifice. It’s essentially saying, “You know, I’m willing to put myself on the line for this message.” So every time you end up pushing publish, you’re just reinforcing that passion inside of you that really, that willingness to put yourself on the line for others and I think it’s a really beautiful thing.
Kate Bee: Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. I used to be a reporter and a journalist before this, so I think I do still have something engrained in me that whatever happens, you have to meet the deadline and you have to publish something.
Andrea: There you go! I like that. This is still along the same line of feeling a little unsettled about sharing _____ but it seems like when we talked a year and a half ago, you weren’t sure how much of that you wanted to put out there and then it continued to morph and no here you are. I love that you’ve gotten on camera, on social media and you keep sharing ideas. I feel like what you do is you give people that opportunity to say, “Oh, I don’t have to live like this.” But you’re the face of that.
Kate Bee: Yeah. I mean, you must feel the same way; you’re the face of your business. It’s estranged. Yes, I am the face of my business and I have tried to be a bit more visible because my comfort zone is definitely in writing that’s what I feel comes to me most naturally. But I will _____ from the point of view being a follower of other people. The videos and podcasts connect with people in a way that sometimes wisdom words don’t. So I have been trying to push myself out there and do more videos. Sometimes I do free workshops and _____ videos. Other times, it’s more “Hey, I’m in this place. I’m full of these things that I want to say and let’s talk about what’s relevant here.” But yeah, getting my face on screen is a goal for me, to do more of that this year for sure.
Andrea: Do you do any speaking like live events?
Kate Bee: No, I’ve never done anything actually. That’s kind of thing that will give me sleepless nights. I know you do that but no.
Andrea: It’s not something that you want to do. I understand. If you don’t mind, I know that you took that Fascinate Assessment…
Kate Bee: Uh-huh.
Andrea: And you came out with your top two languages being Mystique and Passion, which is one of the most rare combinations, because mystique is about not wanting to share a lot about yourself and passion is about sharing and connecting with people.
Kate Bee: Oh my goodness.
Andrea: Isn’t that interesting?
Kate Bee: I do know somebody else who is a Mystique plus Passion too, and there is this sense of depth like you exude a sense of depth and also desiring to connect and listen to other people. So I think that it’s just your voice. It does have a very reflective sound to it not just in a way that you in a tone that you’re speaking with but also just how you process things. I can see how that would be such a struggle too, the desire to share but the desire to want to put the focus on other people instead of yourself. It makes a lot of sense.
Kate Bee: Yeah and perhaps you can help me with something because I went to a conference earlier this year. I went back to San Diego where we met and I went to lots of different lectures. It was for entrepreneurs in growing your business, and the last event I went to on a final day was about writing a book and becoming a self-published author. I’ve always wanted to do something around what I do now and write about alcohol-free living. So on a whim, I purchased this self publishing course and some sessions with a writing coach. I paid the money _____, but I got this book commitment coming up.
As the deadline coming closer, I’m thinking..I don’t know if I can share enough with my personal story to make this book what it needs to be. You wrote your book and what would be your advice for me given that I’m so conflicted?
Andrea: Yes. Well, I understand because that was not my intention when I started to write my book. I was intending to share a little bit of pieces but not anything extensive and I ended up writing…my writing coach actually coached me and ended up finding the voice of my book needed to be on my own story. But I don’t necessarily think that’s the case for everybody. I know there’s a lot of people who write really good books that have a theme to them for each chapter and then they share snippets, like little stories that might illustrate the point that they’re trying to get across but not necessarily go into great depth.
But I think the book writing process itself is such a…I don’t know, transformative experience but I think specially if you have somebody alongside of you who can encourage you and help you to see what’s best. When you start writing and you just give everything out that you possibly can and you don’t edit. That’s the mean thing that you want to do when you first start I think is to not edit what you’re saying and you don’t want to spend a lot of time going down _____ but you do want to get out what you feel like you really want to get out and then you go back and then you say, “OK what’s effective here?” And you push yourself a little bit but I understand too. You don’t always want to share why you feel certain way or why you did the certain thing or…
Kate Bee: Yeah, it’s funny isn’t it? I just felt that once I get started, I will just end up sharing more and more.
Andrea: Probably the case, but I wasn’t going to say that.
Kate Bee: I thought of that assessment you got me to do, I’ve never taken anything like that before but it seemed release button.
Andrea: Well, this has been just a really, really delightful conversation, Kate, and I would really appreciate it if you would share with the audience how they can connect with you the at the Sober School. I think that anybody would really benefit from just seeing Kate online, on her Instagram feed or whatever. So maybe you could share your handles and where they can find information about the Sober School.
Kate Bee: Cool! Thank you! Well, I am on Instagram, I am the soberschool and that’s for everything, Facebook and Twitter. I think Instagram and Facebook come out _____ so I’m definitely the most active there. Yeah, if you’d like to find out more about me, read any of the blog and I’ve got a couple of free guides on my website. I’m over at the soberschool.com. I’ve got a free workshop that’s coming up very soon. It’s all about reviewing where we are _____, having a bit of a research and if you want to take a break from alcohol, it’s about sharing you how to kind of kick stat that break. So I’d be excited to share that with anyone. It will be out very soon.
Andrea: Great! Well, we’ll be sure to link everything in the show notes and so I’m excited to share this interview with the listeners. Thank you so much for your generous time with us today, Kate.
Kate Bee: Thank you for inviting. I really enjoyed it! I think you’ve told me a lot about myself and given me a lot to think about, so I appreciate it.
Andrea: Well, thank you for your service. We’ll talk to you soon!