This week’s topic of bragging is a subject I see come up quite frequently when I speak with people about who they are, their identity, and how they show up in the world. In this episode, I talk about what bragging really is, why it comes up so often in my conversations, why being self-deprecating isn’t ideal either, why we should strive to project humility instead of bragging or self-deprecation, the different between bragging and honestly sharing your excitement about something that is important to you, how we need to change the way we generally handle compliments, the importance of valuing the gifts of others as much as you value your own, and more!
Mentioned in this episode:
- Fascinate Assessment
- StrengthsFinder 2.0
- Kolbe Indexes
- Voice of Influence | Episode 90: How to Take the Pressure Off High-Stakes Conversations
- My Book | UNFROZEN: Stop Holding Back and Release the Real You
Play here (the red triangle below), on iTunes, Stitcher or TuneIn Radio (Amazon Alexa) or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Transcript
Hey, hey! It’s Andrea and welcome to the Voice of Influence podcast where we talk about leadership, human dynamics, and service. I’m really glad that you’re here with us today.
We are tackling a subject that I’ve seen come up quite frequently when I’m having conversations with folks about who they are, their identity, and how they show up in the world. And that is the subject of bragging. OK, so what I often hear when we start to have conversations with folks about who they are, what they’re all about, their personalities, when we do the Fascinate Assessment or StrengthsFinder or the Kolbe with people, they tend to look at those and then come back and say, “Oh gosh, I don’t really like to talk about myself, and I don’t like to brag, but this really does kind of nail it.” And I was kind of chuckle inside because it’s really cute that people feel like it’s bragging to talk about themselves in an objective kind of a way.
But there’s a reason why we do this and I want to suggest that it has to do how we view and what we value in ourselves and in other people. So usually what happens is __, but first, let’s define bragging.
Bragging is really about the attempt to make yourself bigger, more valuable, better. And then there’s the other side of that and that’s self-deprecation. Self-deprecation is also tends to be something of pride. There’s something prideful in it because it’s really about making yourself smaller or cutting people to the chase. So I’m going to put myself down before you can put myself down, you can’t put me down, or I’m going to put myself down before you can put me down. That’s what self-deprecation can tend to be about.
Now, there are times that leaders or speakers can use self-deprecation lightly in order to get a laugh. But I always cushion that folks really shouldn’t do too much self-deprecation, that’s putting yourself down or making fun of yourself, because what does ends up doing is it puts in the mind of the listener that you’re also doing that about them, that you’re also looking down on them. And so, you really get to treat lightly on self-deprecation.
But bragging is really about the attempt to make yourself bigger; self-deprecation is about making yourself smaller. Now, what we really want to be shooting for as leaders, as people who want to have a voice of influence is humility. And humility is really about being honest. It’s about not really tying of value to your treats in comparison to others. So because I’m like this, I’m better than, this other person who doesn’t have that quality. So we don’t do that when we are using humility.
Humility is about showing up to offer the best of who you are and maybe considering how you’re being perceived which is a loving thing to really consider other people in what they’re thinking but not worrying about what other people think of you or your offering. If you were to do that, then that would be more fear-based and if you’ve been around very long at the Voice of Influence podcast, you know that love and fear is one of those dualities that we talk about a lot.
So if you are acting out of or if your motive is based out of fear, then you’re not going to be able to be the best of who you are for others. Instead, you want to have a motive of love. And we talk about this a lot. I talked about this a couple of weeks ago in the podcast. So if you want to learn more about that, you can go back to that one. It was the episode 90, about High Stakes Conversations; you can go back to that if you’re willing to learn more about love and fear.
But anyway, so humility is really about being honest. It’s about reality, about being clear, that’s different than bragging. That’s different than self-deprecation. In fact, someone with humility can celebrate and be honest and celebrate with others and say “Join in celebrating, I’m so excited about this.” Sometimes that happens, and I’m one of those people that, I’m just kind of a sharer. Obviously, I have a podcast, so I tend to share a lot. But I also share a lot of things that are even personal things that are exciting to me or concerning to me, and I do that sometimes on social media. And when I do, I have to be careful to figure out “Am I bragging, or am I being deprecating, or am I being honest?”
One of the most things that we can do is celebrate in just out of the moment that that happens inside of ourselves. Like the other day, we found out that Voice of Influence got a registered trademark. This is something that can take years, sometimes, to achieve and it’s not really an achievement. I don’t think, it’s something that you’re able to get, but once we’ve got this registered trademark and we get to use the little ‘R’ with the circle behind the Voice of Influence, oh my goodness, I was so excited. In fact, I was overcome with the emotion, and I just kind of started crying, happy tears, because I think it’s just surprised me, but I really felt this sense of both joy and excitement, as well as the deep sense of responsibility it is to be able to utilize this praise as our own, _____ in United States. So, this sincere sense of celebration and joy just came out of me.
And like I said, I’m a sharer, not everybody is. I’m not saying everybody should do this, but I would call it honest and humble. And not everything I do is, but I would call it this because it was simply me wanting to share our joy and invite other people to share in our joy because we have had so many people along the way who have helped us and who have encouraged us even from when, you know, we were younger. So, even on Facebook, you know, your parents, friends helped you grow up and they’re watching and they’re paying attention. They feel invested in who you have become and I know that about myself. So when I shared this, I just was like “Oh I just wanna share this fun, exciting news,” and I want them to share my joy. And they did, and we had such a response, just people congratulating us and all this sort of thing.
Honestly, it didn’t really feed my ego. It was an opportunity, instead, to just rejoice with others, to enjoy this moment with other people. It was a chance for me to connect in that sense. And I really believe in connecting, especially to do it authentically, especially when it’s honest, when it comes out of you and you just want to connect with folks, or you just want to share something. That is honest and true and not necessarily bragging.
Somebody could look at that and say, “She’s bragging.” But I can’t control how they perceive my post. I can’t control how they perceive me. I can consider it. I can think about that and say “You know, if I say it like this, it might sound a little bit more like I’m bragging, so I need to be careful how I say it.” I’d very carefully choose the word, ‘share in our joy,’ and it was just this sincere kind of celebration.
Well, that is different than saying, “Look at me, look at us.” “Make us feel great.” “Like and share this with others,” or whatever. It wasn’t that. It was just a sincere sense of celebration. That is just a quick example of what humility can look like when it might be perceived as bragging to somebody else. You really cannot control how other people think about you. You cannot manage what other people think about you. What you can do is you can be honest.
So you know the subtitle of my book UNFROZEN is “Stop Holding Back and Release the Real You,” and I would say that that moment of sharing my joy about the registered trademark was a release of the real me. I wasn’t holding back because, “oh no, what if I say this and somebody thinks this or that of me.” It wasn’t at all. It was, “I’m willing to share, because that is me.” Again, I’m not saying that this is all about sharing and everything. You don’t necessarily need to do that. But if you do, if you were to talk about something that you’re excited about, that’s not bragging.
I think of people in my life in the past that I remember, like my mom having a conversation with a friend or whatever and they’re talking about their meal. And “Oh, this was such a good meal,” they would tell my mom. And my mom used to be so consumed with and just joy-filled with the idea of hosting people for meals because she loved to be able to cook exactly what other people love. So she would pay very close attention to what people ate or what people drank and she would be sure that she had it on the table the next time or had an option that’s different the next time depending on if there was something that they like or didn’t like. And she took so much care in providing that for other people and then she would have somebody say to her “That was such a great meal.” And she “Oh, it wasn’t that great.”
You know what I mean? I mean, haven’t we all done this? I certainly have. “Oh, it wasn’t that big of a deal,” or “Oh my goodness.” Sometimes I do this, and it is the most offensive thing that can be because people are trying to give you a compliment and then you shut them down with “Do not tell me that I’m good at that.” And I’ve done this a lot, so trust me, it’s everybody.
But we don’t want to feel like people are bragging on us or that we are bragging. We don’t want to be perceived as a person who is bragging, but what if it really was a good meal? What would be the humble way to talk about that? If somebody were to give me a compliment and said…I used to do this all the time with singing and someone might say, “Andrea, that was a great job singing,” you know this and that. And I would have such a hard time accepting that answer, and so I would either just kind of duck and say thanks or I would “Oh yeah, I messed this up,” and “I messed that up, but thank you, and I still kind of struggle with doing this sometimes.” When people are trying to offer you a compliment and tell you something that is true about yourself, what we should do instead of, you know, putting ourselves down or making sure that they understand that we know that it wasn’t as good as it could have been, we need to simply say, “Thank you.”
It’s not bragging to say thank you. It’s not bragging to admit the strengths of your personality, the strengths that you hold inside your gifts that you’ve been gifted with. It is not bragging to admit that you are good at something.
So, when I’m going through an assessment with someone and they start to read it, they start to say “Oh my goodness, I don’t like to talk about myself and brag, but this is true,” then that gives me a hint that maybe they actually really value that thing that they’re good at, and they don’t value the thing that they’re not good at.
Don’t we all do this as well? That thing that we’re particularly good at even though we might not recognize it, you know, there are possible that you don’t recognize what you’re really good at and you don’t see that as being a big deal.
The truth is that you want that quality, that you want everybody else to have that quality too, so someone who is particularly stable. One of those people that’s like a bedrock in the community or a bedrock of strengths and stability in your company, you know, those people tend to feel like everybody else needs to be a rock as well. And they provide everything they can, and they give, and they give, and they give, and then they start to realize that not everybody else is doing everything that they’re doing. Not everybody else is taking care of everybody else like they are.
Mom does this all the time, “Not everybody else is taking care of the house like I do,” or “Is caring for people like I do.” You know, when my sister and I were growing up, we were the ones that would have people over or invite people to do things. Not everybody else is doing that. “Do they not like me?” “They’re not inviting us to go do something.” “Why am I the one that always invites people over?”
We value, we care about that’s what we’re really good at. And the fact of the matter is that not everyone else is as good at it as you are. In fact, most people aren’t. You are a sliver of the population that’s really good at what you do, at what you are good at. And everyone else, they have other things that they have to contribute, but it’s not the same thing as you. And the problem lies when we don’t value what everybody else has to offer because then we think of ourselves as being better at this one thing, which means we’re better in general because we value that more than we value what they’re good at.
So you have to be careful when you start to realize that this is what you’re doing, and we all do this at times. We really do think that we all do this. But when you see yourself thinking that you’re bragging when really you’re just being honest about what is true, then maybe that bragging sense is not what everybody else perceives, but it what’s actually going on inside of you, because you actually believed that you’re better because of this thing that is true about you.
And what I want to suggest is that if you can see how other people contribute to you, and to your team, to your experience, and if you can value what they bring to the table, then you’re going to more freely give what you have to offer. You’re going to have the opportunity to say “You know what, this is what I bring to the table and not everybody else needs to bring that. In fact, I’m going to provide what I’m gonna offer what I do, what I bring to the table. I’m gonna offer it. I’m gonna keep offering it, and whenever everyone wants to partake, they can have some or they can enjoy my offering.”
But that also means that we need to accept the offerings of others. And when we start to view each other not on a scale of “You know, I’m a 9 and they’re a 7 at this, so I’m better,” or “I’m consistent with this thing and they’re not, and so I’m better,” “My personality is like this and this is how I act in the world.” And “Gosh, that feels really good because I really think that that’s important.” “Too bad not everybody else is like that.”
But we’re able to say “No, no, this is what I bring to the world and it’s fantastic!” But this is what everybody else brings to the world. These are the other things that people around me bring to the world, not as just as important.
There is no way to quantify the gifts that we bring. There is no objective measurement of how important you are. If we try to put an objective measurement on how important we are as human beings, then we’re going end up with this sense of bragging. We’re going to feel like some people are bragging, and other people aren’t, and we’re not going to know what it’s like to be truly honest and authentic because we think that it’s all about bragging or not.
Now, there are times, there are people who get paid more to do what you do, or they have more benefits, or you might see objective things that are happening that would seem to value what somebody else brings to the table more than you. But you need to take that out of consideration when you’re talking about this stuff.
Instead, you need to go to a human level, on the human level. What we bring to the table is all valuable and important. The question is, are we bringing it or are you letting fear cause you to keep from bringing it because you’re afraid that other people will perceive you as bragging?
Don’t hold back out of fear. Offer who you are, bring the whole you to the table. We need you. You are not the same as me. I am not the same as you and that is a beautiful thing. We need each other.
If you want your team to feel like this, if you want your team to value each other, talk to me. Send me an email, my email is andrea@voiceofinfluence.net. I’d love to hear from you, so schedule a conversation. Let’s talk. Let’s help your whole team value one another so that you can work better together in service to others because your voice matters. Let’s make it matter more!