When someone asks who you are, how often do you respond with your title? Wife, mother, physician, executive, etc. You’re more than just your title and this week’s guest wants to help remind you of that.
Keri Stanley is the CEO of Keri Stanley Coaching, Huffington Post Writer, and Inspirational Speaker who spends her life looking for the a-ha moments to share with her clients. She now hosts international experiences for healthcare and service-based professionals to Ground, Grow, & Give so they’re able to serve from a space of fulfillment rather than sacrifice.
In this episode, Keri talks about her journey of living a picture-perfect life while feeling lost and empty inside to now helping others prevent the same thing happening to them, how you can become more connected to yourself and those around you, the importance of letting go of some control and focusing on the positive “what if’s” instead of the negative ones, and so much more!
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Transcript
Hey, hey! It’s Andrea and welcome to the Voice of Influence podcast.
Today, I have with me, Keri Stanley, a sweet sweet, awesome, power-packed woman. I’m so excited to share her with you!
She is the CEO of Keri Stanley Coaching. She’s a Huffington Post writer and inspirational speaker who really spends her life looking for a-ha moments that she can share with her clients. She enjoys the diversity of a worldwide client base, helping healthcare professionals learn how to fully connect, first to themselves and then to the rest of the world creating a really fulfilling life of meaning and impact, I’m excited to hear more about this in a minute. She now hosts international experiences for healthcare and service based professionals so that they can Ground, Grow, & Give to be able to service from a space of fulfillment rather than sacrifice.
So, Keri, it is so great to have you here with us today on the Voice of Influence podcast!
Keri Stanley: Oh Andrea, thank you so much. I am honored and blessed to be here with you and I’m super excited to just have this conversation with you and to listeners.
Andrea: Yes! OK, so let’s start with…you’re really passionate about a lot of things. If you could kind of distill it down to a core message or a main thing that you’re wanting to get across to the world with your voice of influence, what would that message be?
Keri Stanley: Really that message would be that we all have a difference that we can make in this world and that we get to do that at the same time as we are taking care of other people. And so, so often, we put ourselves on the back burners, so often we live our lives just fully in service to other people and then we’re kind left in the dust.
So my main message is that we can actually have both and do it in a way that tapped into the gifts that we have that we have meaning and impact in the world and that we get to take care of ourselves at the same time.
Andrea: We have so much in common in that area for sure, so why does this matter to you?
Keri Stanley: So yeah, just going back real quick, I am a single mom with two kids. I have twins that are getting ready to turn 14 and I lived the life of a healthcare professional for a really long time. I always knew that I wanted to help people or animals like that’s been a _____ since I was a little kid. So the core of me is about helping other people.
So I lived my life based off of that and I lived my life in healthcare. But what happened along the journey is that like I had everything from a picture perfect picture that from the outside looks great. I had a successful career. I had the marriage, the white picket fence, the kids, the whole nine yards, right? But on the inside, I was completely lost.
I had days that I would look in the mirror and I’m like “I had no idea who I am anymore and how I exist in this world.” I was feeling empty. I was feeling used. I was feeling abandoned. I really didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t feel like I was a good mom. I would have days where I would just yell and scream at my kids and then I would feel awful.
I lived my life just in sacrifice of others, both in my profession and at home. I didn’t understand the value of taking care of myself at that time and everybody else got _____ that. So I ended up losing almost everything in my life. My marriage fell apart. I ended up losing my job. I ended up, like all of these things that I was doing the right thing out there ended up costing me so much.
In that time, I stepped back and really started looking at like, is there a way to do life different? Is there a way that it doesn’t need to be like this? Is there a way that I can feel fulfilled that I can feel a really good mom and that I can make a difference in the world and like it all can work together?
I started seeing other people in life just in general that I was exposed to that they were making this happen. I was like “If they can do this, why can’t I?” So I started surrounding myself with people like that and I really started learning this value of understanding that you don’t have to give from a sacrifice state that you actually can give from a fulfilled state and starts with you.
So transforming my own life and even going back in the healthcare with a completely different shift and perspective, and now coaching individuals into how they can create this in their own life, my kids now see a truly happy mom on the inside and the out and they understand the value. So not only am I doing that for myself but I’m actually teaching them on how to do that in their future as well as other individuals in the world.
We get to choose how we live this life but a lot of times, we’re just conditioned that we have to put all of our needs to the side. And so learning how to shift that really makes the difference for both of you and the world.
Andrea: So Keri, do you think that people get lost in that way that you were describing here a little bit ago? I see it happen mostly with women but I think it happens with men as well at times, especially in that midlife kind of range when you’re starting to kind of question everything and ask what you’re really all about. But how do you think that we end up really getting lost like that? Does it have to do with the way that you’re talking about that living from this place of sacrifices instead of abundance, or what do you see there for that?
Keri Stanley: Yeah. I love your point about men because it is from women a lot. But I do _____ with the fact that men go through the same thing, it’s just that that’s not talked about in the same way. Women actually will talk about it more when they feel safe enough to share, when they get in an environment that they’re seeing other women in the same place. Men tend to hold that inside way more than women do but they actually go through the same process of feeling lost and not having that identity.
So part of the things that I see, and I love that you talked about from sacrifice to abundance, that a lot of people actually don’t even know what the word abundance means. That it’s just, again, we’re conditioned in how to live and we just kind of accept that as it is. And you start saying things that just like “I’m just gonna survive this day,” or you start saying things like, “If I could just make it through this stage,” or “If I can just make it through to tomorrow,” or those types of things.
The other things is that we start identifying with our titles as who we are rather than remembering who we were as a _____ child that we have turned off through our life and we started accepting our worth is based off of our title at the time.
So whether we are a mom, whether we are an administrator, whether we are a wife, whether we are even single versus divorced versus whatever. We just start identifying with these titles of that who we are. If you ask anyone for the most part who they are, they’re going to start rattle off their titles. The truth is that if you look at, look you and me for example, you are a mom just like I am, right? You’re a woman just like I am but we may have all these similar titles but that the core of who we are, it’s actually very different, right?
We have so much in common but we have different gifts. So who we are is really who we are as individuals and those are the pieces that we forget. We forget our worth and actually who we are in the world and who we’re meant to be in the world because we’re just completely identified with a title, which means if you ever lose that title for some reason, a lot of people go into massive self doubt because they identify themselves completely by labels.
Andrea: Right. Yeah and then they don’t know who they are in the inside which is what really sustains the person through life and through hard times and through everything.
OK this is really cool, so what difference would it make in the world if people were to really embrace this idea that they can be more than their titles? Yeah, what sort of difference would this actually make in a bigger sense, more than for just the individuals but also for the world in general, like what is your vision for this?
Keri Stanley: Yeah, it makes such a difference in a way that we lived our lives and not only for ourselves but the impact that we have on the people that we touched on a daily basis. So when you think about the people that you want to be around every single day, what do they have in common and what are the people that you don’t actually want to be around?
You know the difference in a person that is somebody that’s like really attracted in this magnetic way and they are people that like they have really good energy, they’re doing things in life. They’re making a difference, like you just enjoy being around them. So you get to choose to be one of those people. The difference is the impact that you can make by just showing up in the world as you, like we’re always trying to be someone else. So you get to be you, you get to bring your gifts to the world and when you’re authentically happy with your life, because 90% of people aren’t happy with their life.
If you ask people on a scale of 1to 10 how happy are you with your life, 90% of people are going to be less than five. So you want to ask yourself, are you OK with that? If you could actually make the changes to where you’re living a life that was, at least from the upper end if not closer to 10, what difference does that make for you as an individual, how you show up in your family as an individual, the impact that you actually feel like you can make in the world, it completely changes the entire perspective and your confidence in what you can achieve.
Because the reason that we don’t go out and do the things that we are actually meant to do and the reason that we’re here is because we don’t believe that we can. So suddenly, when you allow yourself to step into that, you now see the world as possibility rather than, like “I’m just trying to survive.” We were not mean to live on this earth in a way that we are just supposed to make it through the day. That’s not at all why we were sent here, right?
So once you adapt to this lifestyle of living on purpose, living while you were here, taking care of yourself so that you can actually take better care of others then in some way you have a reason to be here rather than just making it through the day.
Andrea: You know what I really like about what you just said is that you’re not saying that people need to totally change all the circumstances in their lives. I understand that that could be a part of that, you might need to change your job or you might need to you know whatever, but you’re also talking about this internal shift that actually changes the way you approach your current circumstances.
Keri Stanley: Absolutely, and to remember that you are not your circumstances. So we like to go into blame, complain, and justify all the reasons that we are where we are. So our circumstances are simply that that’s our circumstances. We still get to choose how we want to create our life and how we want to live our life regardless of our circumstances.
As a matter of fact, your circumstances actually maybe a gift or something that you are learning so that you can do the next thing, but if you’re not connected to you and you’re not connected spiritually and you’re not connected to people, because we live a very disconnected life. We’re very connected to technology that we’re very disconnected from all the things that are out there even the opportunities, the messages, all of that.
The people that are the most important in our life, a lot of times, they’re the most disconnected because we’re so focused on our _____. So when you can step back from that and actually grasp the magic of the everyday life and the miracles that are happening all around you then you actually get to even enjoy the circumstances that you’re in with entire different set of lenses.
Andrea: OK, Keri, when you’re just talking about this connectedness and how we’re disconnected, but what is it look like to be connected or how does one…you know if you feel disconnected in either areas of your life or just totally in general, what is it look like for somebody to actually become more connected in these ways that you’re just talking about?
Keri Stanley: I truly feel that once people get so much more connected, because it’s a rhythm, right? We go in and out of being connected versus disconnected. It’s not a 24/7 am I connected but the goal is to be more connected on a much more regular basis. So first of all when you’re connected to yourself, when you’re truly connected, there is the peace and a calm that you can even achieve in the midst of a storm because you are moving through it and there’s a light that happens to where people actually, like I said that actually want to be around you.
So there’s a different energy that you carry as you are going throughout life. Mo most people are looking for this peace and fulfillment factor and so you actually can feel that peace within because so often we’re trying to get back from someone else. So imagine being able to just create that regardless of what’s going on in your world within yourself.
And then when you are connected from a spiritual standpoint whatever that looks like for you, but when you’re connected from that spiritual standpoint, there is always a message, there’s always an answer, there is always something of what my next step gets to be when we allow ourselves to be supported. Especially, we as women think like, I have to do this on my own _____ always have to be on my own. And so create this on my own-ness and when we can learn to receive from others and from just the universe God whatever that maybe _____ in life doesn’t have to be so hard and lonely.
So that connection in and of itself allows you to feel primarily supported in life and you’re not ever doing it on your own or alone. Those connections are critical in living a life but then it allows you to be truly, truly, truly connected in your relationships and that includes with your kids that includes with your spouse or your partner, relationships with your friends.
It could go on such a deeper level because how often do you pass by someone and just have a conversation that’s a fly by, right? And we don’t actually get into real conversations. So that is partly just because we are disconnected, which also doesn’t _____ to make a true difference.
Andrea: Yeah, I cannot think of it too and so like the connectedness, it’s centeredness. There’s something about that point when you feel like that calm that you’re describing that you realized how distracted you’ve been in these other conversations with other people or whatever. That’s definitely been my experience as well and that’s been the kind of grand scheme of things, like I used to feel super distracted and that’s been decreasing overtime but it’s also been a cycle like you talked about.
You kind of go in and out of this feeling distracted, feeling the angst and that sort of thing and then kind of coming back to that center or connected place where you _____. It’s just so distracting and I think that for me, this is something that I’ve been thinking for myself recently so maybe you have some thoughts on this, but I have felt an increasing amount of peace around what I’m doing. I think when you’re creative or when you’re on a mission whatever, you can get in that hassle mode. You can get in that mode of like “I gotta get a stuff done. I gotta figure this out, I gotta figure this out.”
We actually talked about this recently where I was just like so like you said “You’re just so in your head right now, Andrea.” And I was like “I know, but I don’t know how to get out of it in this moment,” because I was feeling this angst and I think that this angst to find and to kind of come to a conclusion about something is something that I’ve adapted as part of my identity like I have to feel angst or something.
Recently, I’ve been feeling less of that. I’ve been feeling like “Why do I need to feel that way? Why I’m always saying, I don’t know when I actually do know?” So when people ask me a question about what you do or what you’re thinking or that sort of thing, I’d answer with, “I don’t know. I don’t know.” I’d get so lost in my head like you’re talking about.
So what is that looks like for somebody like what were you trying to help me do in that moment when you said, “Andrea, you’re so in your head?”
Keri Stanley: There are two words that comes to mind as I’m talking to you right now and I remember this conversation because how often do we all get into that space because we’re doubting. We’re doubting our value, we’re doubting that we can have the answers, and we’re doubting that it’s going to be okay because there’s this need for control. So most of us have gotten to a point that we’re living life on the defensive, we’re trying to protect as _____, right? We’re trying to protect.
So we’re living in life to where we’re trying to make sure that nothing bad is going to happen. We’re trying to make sure everything is taken care of and we lived this life with control. So when we do that, we lose sight of letting go to surrender and trust. So those are the two words that as you’re asking me that and I have so many clients that there is their biggest thing is learning to let go of control because that’s really, really scary and that’s back to the “I’m the one that has to do it so I’m the one that has to figure it out.”
When you surrender and you let go and you actually trust that it’s all going to work out, that I actually already have the answers or they’re coming in perfect timing then the pressure gets to be released and I actually get the opportunity to be and enjoy my life. And that’s a very scary thing even getting connected for most people because we live so distracted lives. It’s a resistance and a way for us to protect ourselves from getting connected.
We use “busy” as this shield of our badge of honor because actually most people are scared to have stillness because they’re afraid of what they might find out and they know they’re lost but they’re afraid of what they’re going to find out as they go along with their journey and so in their minds that’s all what ifs that could be bad.
So what I challenge everybody that I work with is, what about all the what ifs that are amazing and that you get to experience by going on this journey. I’ve seen time and time again; executives, VPs, moms, or physicians, that when they start letting go of all the control they’ve been holding so tightly to, which is actually just an illusion and it takes so much energy, that when they start letting go of that and the allow themselves to be supported that life actually gets easier and they’re amazed of how quickly things can happen in their life.
Andrea: Love it. Yes, awesome. OK, I want to get into what you’re doing now because I didn’t come from a healthcare family but I married into one, so I have a big heart for them, for healthcare providers and you are now providing a means of support and vision for them. I would like you to talk to us about your program first of all and then we can _____ out a little bit as far as why and that sort of thing, so what is the program?
Keri Stanley: So the newest program that I’m launching, because I ran international retreats across the globe, some of just for women, some are for men and women together that anyone can come to, and the entire purpose of them is to ground, grow, and give. When we talked this idea of surrender and that messages get delivered to you, I really got this clear message on a run because I’m a runner and I do that for my own self-care and I also do that for my own mental stability. It really helps me from that standpoint but at the same time it’s when I can get those messages come through.
So this one was a very clear message that one of the gifts that I have is teaching people how to get grounded in their lives so that they can hear better, because we’re blocking that on a regular basis, because it’s disconnected and living from the state of fulfillment. So allowing individuals to go on a retreat experience where they get to get grounded both in their own like who they are. They get to get grounded in being disconnected from the day-to-day and actually just getting connected in life and getting connected in what really matters because how often are we focused on doesn’t matter that we think of. But once we get quiet, we realized it doesn’t.
Then we have opportunity to grow which is getting out of our comfort zone, getting out of our routine, getting into a space where you’re connecting with other people, connecting with other cultures. And then finally the last piece, and especially with healthcare providers and professionals just in general, is that after a while you give so much that you almost become resentful.
And we will love our jobs, and I’ve been there, we will love our jobs and we give and give and give but at the end of the day, if you go home exhausted day in and day out and not doing any kind of self-care, you start getting resentful whether it’s even to your kids or to your husband or whoever it may be, it starts appearing in life and you’re just not enjoying life as much as you could which also translates into how you serve.
So being able to really take the time to recharge and refuel yourself in a completely different place where you disconnected and reconnected to you, allows us to give to an environment wherever we may be, for example in Peru we’ll be with the farmers of Peru that we get to connect with the actual people that don’t see the _____ on a regular basis. We go into the villages and get connected to the heart of the people and are able to give back in this beautiful sacred way that you really feel like you’re giving from a fulfilled state that then in turn can fill you backup.
Andrea: That’s an interesting concept. I’d like to hear about this giving from this fulfilled state because I end up feeling being resentful. I think that you’ve totally hit it on the head that people who are here to help others or in professionals in general, like you said, I think that sometimes we feel like we’re serving someone else even our boss or the company at large or whatever and it can totally turn into that feeling of resentment.
So how does this resentment change because of giving? How does that shift happen in a person, is it because you’re getting more connected and you’ve already grounded and now you’re growing? What would you say as happening in a person when they shift from feeling resentful to a place of willingness and ability to give so much?
Keri Stanley: Yeah, you know there’s that thing out there that you can’t pour from an empty cup and how often are we trying to do that on a regular basis even your gas tank in your car that you would panic if it was getting ready to run out of gas, right? You might let it get all the way down to _____ but you’re going to make sure that you stop and you refill it backup.
We run our body and our physical lives on a regular basis not only with the low-fuel light but also with the maintenance light and every other light on and we just keep going. We would never do that for other things in our life but we do it for ourselves. So a car can’t keep going unless you stop and refill it and at a certain point like it’s just done, right?
So when we can take our perspective for ourselves to understand that if we would take the time to fill back our tank, if we would take the time to do some maintenance, if we would take the time to _____ some of those things like we actually function on such a better state and can go further. We just have been taught that we’re not supposed to. We actually don’t even know what it feels like to truly be able to be fulfilled in a giving state.
So yes, once you get grounded _____ and to be able to give then that process allows you to give in a way that is truly heart centered. We talked about this idea that am I giving to give or am I giving to get? At some point, you’re expecting or wanting somebody to say something to you like a thank you or something and that’s actually giving to get but that’s the state that we get into. Once we realize that if we are constantly in a filled upstate or we understand how we can fill our cup back up that we actually don’t need those things and it doesn’t have to take this really long time.
I mean, I was just _____ in San Diego last week and in 24 hours there was a group of us, that even in our off hours of a training that we were in, we ran a project and we raised over $14,000 in less than 12 hours essentially overnight in the off hours and fed over 325 homeless people on the streets. And actually deeply connected with them on the streets and gave them flowers and gave them food and heard their stories and gave them love and gave them hugs and literally just connected with them, you know talk about you’re not your circumstances, really just connected with them as human beings, because how often _____ at something?
So you can create that giving experience from a fulfilled state very quickly once you learn how to do it, it just that most people don’t even remember, like it’s been so long that they’ve given themselves as a break. It’s been so long since they’ve allowed themselves. There’s a lot of guilt that comes from “if I take time for myself.” But once you realize, “I’m a better mom. I’m a better caregiver, I’m a better physician. I’m a better administrator. I’m just a better person in the world,” and that makes the difference in everything.
Andrea: I think it’s huge and it also…you know all that energy that we waste on that angst, on that desire to control and that grip that we try to have on life that we can even really ever really grip. It’s such a waste of time and energy and when you’re not doing that, gosh you have so much more. I think we forget how much we actually really have because of that, so I love that. I love what you’re doing.
OK, so what would something that you would want the influencer listening to remember about themselves and their own influence in the world? What something that you can give them to take home and say, “I’m gonna remember this this week.”
Keri Stanley: So they always say on a plane to put your oxygen mask on yourself first. Most of us in life don’t actually understand that concept nor do we do that, but if we don’t save ourselves, and we have a choice in life to save ourselves and actually choose living, ____ exist. But once you choose living and you choose to save yourself, you actually get the opportunity to make a difference in so many more lives than you ever would if you choose not to give yourself that oxygen.
Andrea: Hmmm yeah. OK so what’s the challenge? What challenge do you leave us with then Keri?
Keri Stanley: My challenge to you is for all of you listening is find one thing. It’s so common that I’ll ask my clients and those who come my retreat, I will ask them what’s one thing that truly makes you happy that you really love to do. And most people have forgotten, they’re like “I don’t even know what that means anymore.” So my challenge to you is find one thing that maybe you’ve enjoyed as a kid or find one thing that truly is something that just makes you feel excited about life again.
Maybe you love to dance, maybe you love to play tennis, or maybe you love to be in a drama like you love to doing the acting piece, whatever it is. There’s something out there that you forgotten that you love to do and allow yourself to step back into that and even feel like a little kid again because that child in you still exists and that when you tune into there is where the magic happens.
Andrea: Hmmm love it. OK Keri, how can people find you? What should they do to find you, your program or you as a coach, whatever? Where should they find you?
Keri Stanley: You can find me on Facebook that’s probably where I’ve been most active. I do video every single morning and it’s Keri Stanley and Keri Stanley Coaching that I’m on there for both pages. So either one, you can find me. I’m extremely active on there and always giving tips every single day and my retreat and everything on there as well. You can also find me, my website is www.keristanley.com and all of my retreats are on there.
I’ve got the next, Ground, Grow, & Give is coming up in September and October and then there’s a ____ specifically for women in Costa Rica in November so those are the two big ones that are coming up. My challenge is just to continue taking care of yourself and enjoying every day because each and every day is a miracle.
Andrea: Thank you so much, Keri! Thank you for your voice of influence in the world and the way that you’re impacting people. I appreciate it!
Keri Stanley: Awesome! Thank you so much for having me, Andrea, I truly enjoyed _____.
Andrea: And I’ll be sure to link everything in the show notes. Alright, thank you so much!