Tag Archives: Conversation

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Not So Great Expectations

How do you deal with others’ expectations?  I know that some people are better at meeting expectations when there is a threat of shame. Not me. I would rather run away. Put pressure on me and I avoid you and your task. Ugh. Not the most healthy option…

So I have to think of other ways to deal with expectations. This week my post is an article I wrote for Her View From Home. In it I explain how I’ve learned to deal with expectations. It’s not about people pleasing and it’s not about running away. I hope you’ll take a minute and click to read more here:

When You Feel Trapped… Andrea Joy Wenburg at Her View From Home

Deeply,

AJ

Photo by Amelia Wenburg

Photo by Amelia Wenburg

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Your New Superpower

Apparently, I have a new superpower.

My daughter has been sad a lot lately. She is entering that delicate tension between child and teen, running toward independence while simultaneously mourning the loss of naiveté. I rejoice with her and hurt for her. This is, what seems to be, the second in a series of transitions into what we eventually come to know as “real life.”

I don’t blame her for having a difficult time with it all. Everyone was in awe with her when she was little. Two tiny pigtails atop her head and words like they came from an adult, she had everything a two year old needed to get all kinds of ooo’s and ah’s and wow’s. It’s hard when a little girl’s years catch up with her cuteness. Precious as she is now, she also has a lot more responsibility. It will never be the same. I totally get it.

I know she’s sad because she gets angry. The kids love each other so intensely that they drive each other crazy with the expectation to be honored and loved and considered. It’s hard for kids to do all that for each other. It’s hard for any of us to do that for each other, regardless of how much we want it for ourselves. So several times a day they are offended and angry – especially after 4:00 in the afternoon. And in those times it is hard for them to do anything but scrutinize my favor.

You NEVER make Grant…You ALWAYS let Grant…He got more…Oh of COURSE he gets that!

I stopped rationalizing with her in these moments a long time ago. It doesn’t matter if she’s right or wrong, it matters that she isn’t feeling loved. We have no intention of changing her consequence or our decisions; but when this happens, the girl needs help.

One night a couple of weeks ago I realized that my little gal needed some extra sweet love – the kind that reaches the sadness under her anger. Right after an angrily offended outburst I followed her to her bed…

Hey babe. Look at me. Right here – look at me.

Her eyes wandered over for a brief second and met my adoring whole-face, gentle smile.

I love you, Amelia.

She immediately turned her head and hid the smile she couldn’t keep off of her own face. I didn’t joke this time. No arguing. No giving in. I just told her I loved her and I said it with my entire being. And I’ve been doing it periodically ever since. Then last night it happened again.

“How do you do that?”

Do what, honey?

“Make people smile.”

I don’t know. I guess it’s just my new superpower.

…a superpower we all have when we put on our super-deep goggles to see past surface-anger and find deep-pain. There’s no need to be afraid – no need to rationalize it away. Just meet it with deep-love.

You Are Loved

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Following Curiosity Where It Leads

It’s one thing to be taught.
It’s a completely different thing to follow curiosity where it leads.

Photo Credit: Yogesh Kumar Jaiswal Creative Commons Text added https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/legalcode

Photo Credit: Yogesh Kumar Jaiswal
Creative Commons
Text added
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/legalcode

The other day I was in the car with the kids when we drove by a building and I spontaneously stated:

That is Lincoln Elementary School.

 “Is that where all of the kids in Lincoln go to school?”

Actually, it’s a school for kids in North Platte. But the name of the school is Lincoln.

 “There are a lot of things named Lincoln!”

Do you know WHY there are so many things by that name?

Photo: Penn State Special Collection Creative Commons https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/legalcode

Photo: Penn State Special Collection
Creative Commons https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/legalcode

Our kids are five and eight. Although they recalled a couple of basic facts about President Lincoln and slavery, the significance of Lincoln’s impact on our life here-and-now was still a little fuzzy. After discussing the basics of the Civil War, Grant opened a new door and my heart went pitter-pat.

“It’s a good thing we don’t have slavery anymore!”

I wish that were the case, Grant.

We talked about modern-day slavery in December when Amelia and I participated in Dressember (read about that here), but this time felt different. This time the kids were engaged by their own curiosity. The little doors to their hearts were open and hungry for more. I held the sacred moment with tender conviction and shared that there are many people who have to work for no pay and under terrible conditions. I went on:

Recently IJM rescued children in Ghana who are your age. They were on boats where they were forced to fish all day long, every day. That’s why Amelia and I participate in Dressember. We wear dresses every day in December to help raise money to rescue more kids and grown-ups from slavery.

“What can boys do?”

So much, son.

What Can Boys Do?There are intensely personal issues at play in this discussion. It confronts my consumerism, prejudice and self-deprecation. The weight of injustice is so heavy, I often ignore it.

The curiosity of my children persuades me to feel it.

Ah, but that is the inherent danger of following innocent curiosity where it leads. I might have to face that which I otherwise ignore. I might be confronted with my own inconsistency, prejudice and selfishness. I might have to change.

It’s not every day that I point out the name of an elementary school as we drive by. I’m not sure what compelled me to do so the other day. I felt the invitation to say something, so I did. I had no idea where the conversation would go – no agenda. We just kept responding to one another and let the conversation unfold.

Photo Credit: Zoriah Creative Commons https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/legalcode

Photo Credit: Zoriah Creative Commons
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/legalcode

And now I’m researching fair trade clothing and thinking about what my five-year-old boy can do to participate in the fight for freedom.

I wonder where their curiosity will lead next?

Wherever it is…I’m in!

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A Letter to Readers

Deep One,

Over three months have passed since I began to blog regularly. It’s a blip on the timeline of my life, but it’s been an intense blip, without a doubt. It’s hard to say if it was the reflective writing, strategizing, life or the weather that made for so much internal ebb and flow of angst and release. I suppose it’s probably everything mixed together.

If you read any of my posts, you are part of this. So thank you. It’s kind of odd to think that a blog could offer an opportunity for a relationship, but I hope it does. Because of this “relationship,” I’d like to ask a favorite question of mine: “How are we doing?” (read about the “How Are We Doing” conversation here). I’ll start.

How I’m Doing

Coffee TimeI regularly struggle with self-doubt. It certainly takes courage, trust and some self-confidence to put myself out there, but for every ounce of “I can do this,” there is a pound of “What do I think I’m doing? I’ll never be able to keep this up! I’m not even a real writer. People are going to get tired of me. I can’t even keep my house clean, why would I spend so many hours a week writing without getting paid to do it?!”

Yet there has been just enough feedback to keep me moving forward. Though for years I’ve been willing and able to share the deeper parts of myself with others, I’ve done so in conversations where I can see and hear the people with whom I’m sharing. If I’m an expert -albeit imperfect- at anything, I’m an expert at knowing what to share and what questions to ask in a conversation to invite others to go deeper.

But writing is an entirely different shtick. I don’t see the look in your eyes. I don’t know when you tuck something in your heart. And most of the time, I don’t even know who you are. Nearly all of the relational feedback I usually rely on to know what to say next, is gone.

So I end up looking for digital feedback. This is pretty much ridiculous. You know the Facebook game – it’s an impossible measure of how much something you say or post is “liked” by others. Besides, when you’re writing not to be liked but to make a difference, it’s like measuring weight with a ruler.

Misleading. Confusing. Impossible.

Intentional Friends

I’ve been playing with the concept of intentional friendship for over ten years. If there’s ever been a time when I’ve needed friends to intentionally seek out deeper conversations with me and offer their expertise, it’s now. Without these friends (and family-friends), I am alone and I am not blogging. Without them, I am more of a hot mess than I am usually. I am so grateful for my intentional friends. I hope you have friends like that. I hope you and I can be like that.

How I’m Doing, Really

WorkingBut if I dig a little deeper, the truth is that I love blogging. I love the opportunity to sit at the keyboard and search for what is stirring in me and release it through my fingertips. I love condensing offerings into short snapshots of life-reflected and clicking “Post to Live and Love Deeply.”

I love sharing my life with you.

And the more I write, the more I see my little posts as little works of art. They are bits of me – born out of enough vulnerability to invite you in, veiled in enough ambiguity to invite you to relate.

I hope.

I hope that you will continue to join me here every once in a while. I hope that a few of you will sign up for email updates (at the side or bottom of your screen). I hope a few more will comment and share. I hope that if you are touched by something you read here, you will share deeply with someone. It doesn’t have to be me. But my hope for Live and Love Deeply is that you might find you are not alone and that you have the courage to think and feel deeply so that you can connect and share more deeply in your relationships.

I hope it for both of us.

Miracles

If you pray, would you pray that I would share life and love in ways that help people connect deeply? Would you pray that this message would touch hearts and that we would be open to receive what Love has to offer? I really believe miracles happen. And they are most amazing when they happen in relationships.

How Are You Doing?

Now that I’ve shared how I’m doing, I would like to ask you the same question. I realize you probably do not think about reading this blog as though we have a relationship, but we kinda do. Especially if you respond in some way. There are many people I would love to hear from, but you are the one I want to take to coffee. Seriously. I do. So if you’re in town and want to do that, please let me know. Email and messages are also great. Your comments, likes and shares do make a difference for getting the word out and encouraging me. I really appreciate it. Your voice matters to me (read about that here).

  • How do you want to take risks to love?
  • When do you let your guard down and let others in?
  • What do you want to explore together?
  • Why do you choose to read posts from this blog? What aspects of it keep you coming back?

Thank you for reading. Thank you for your feedback and support. I deeply desire to share my journey with you, that we might impact one another to…

Live & Love Deeply,

Andrea Joy

Find me on…

Facebook: at Andrea Joy Wenburg

Twitter: @andreawenburg

Email: awenburg@gmail.com

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Behind Closed Doors

It’s not that I want to pretend when I see you today, I just want to hide.

I would rather hide than open myself to you. When I feel overwhelmed, deflated and defeated as I do right now, I have no desire to write or engage or do any sort of active loving. I just want to sit quietly by the fire, consume comfort and contain the storm within.

Oh, Elsa.

Last night my sister and I spent an hour in a text conversation. Think we’re crazy? Lazy? Disconnected? Sometimes texting is as close as I want to come to emerging from my hiding place. She wanted me to open the door.

Oh, Anna.

The truth is, my door opens wider in writing where there is one point of engagement: words. Talking on the phone requires that I say words as well as speak them in the appropriate tone. Add a third dimension of body language and I’m sure to let my cold front move in on you.

I don’t want to do that, so I’m going to hide. If you’re in my presence, I’ll hide behind my genuine desire to care for you, knowing that what’s inside of me is best left for me to deal with on my own. Maybe I’ll draw the shades, but I won’t be opening any doors when we’re together.

Unless…

Unless you are safe.
Unless you don’t compare yourself to me.
Unless you are unafraid of the strength of my emotion.
Unless you are un-intimidated by the tangled web of my thoughts.
Unless you are willing to walk directly to the eye of my storm and invite me to open it wider.

Maybe then I will open my door.

But you’ll have to knock first.Doors

photo credit: Closing Time via photopin (license)

Frozen Top Ten

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Tackle It Together: Tips for a Great Team-Building Conversation

“How are we doing?”

Uh…you’ve asked this before, but what do you mean? It seems to me we are doing fine.

“I just want to be sure we are moving forward. If we aren’t moving forward, we are moving backward and I don’t want to do that. Are we getting to know each other better?”

Aaron made a point to ask how we were doing every week when we were dating. I’m pretty sure that only a week or two of this went by before I was sure I wanted to marry the guy. I mean, really.This is one intentional dude – my kind of person. When he called us “The A-Team,” the deal was sealed. I wanted to be a part of this self-aware team. Definitely.

When he called us “The A-Team,” the deal was sealed.

But it’s not easy to keep up the awareness or the team-ness when life gets going. We haven’t always wanted to ask “how are we doing?” because we haven’t always wanted to face the answer. And then the longer we go without asking the question, the more we resist it for fear of the unknown – or the assumed known.

Thankfully, somewhere deep down, we both believe we are individually OK and that together we can get through whatever life throws at us. After 10 years of being in this relationship, we have a better feel for how to navigate the sometimes dreaded “How are we doing?” question. Here are some things we try to keep in mind – perhaps something here would be helpful for you and your team, too.

Tips for the “How are we doing?” Team-Building Conversation

  • Let the main goal of the conversation be to move closer to each other. If my goal is to convince or defend, I may as well not have the conversation.
  • It can be spontaneous and short or planned and long. The goal for timing is to have the conversation when emotional energy is peaceful – whenever that may be.
  • Be ready to listen without being defensive. How? Remember that you do not need the other person to love or respect or understand you (though it is hard and sad if they don’t!), because you know you are already loved and respected and understood by the only One who can do it perfectly. If that’s covered, you can live to give rather than live to take – even in tough conversations.
  • Be silly. Somehow, someway, be silly.
  • Try to end with some kind of a plan in place. Problem solving is one of the best team-building activities EVER. It feels great to know where we are headed and what steps we are each going to take to get there.

How You doin'?

What’s your team name?

How you doin’?

*For more on being OK and knowing you don’t need someone else to make you feel OK, bop on over here: When I Should Feel Joy #4: True Love

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