Voice of Influence

When I Should Feel Joy #4: True Love

When I Should Feel Joy #5: Deeper Joy

11 Steps to Prevent and Fight Depression

Posted on Monday, January 26, 2015

11 Tips for Preventing and Fighting Depression

Depression may be emotional and spiritual, but it is also practical and physical. ~From When I Should Feel Joy #5

In my series When I Should Feel Joy, I tell of my heart-level experience with and transformation through depression. But depression is not just spiritual. So in this post, I want to offer hope and practical advice for people wanting to prevent or cope with depression. If you know someone who is struggling and you want to help, you may find this list helpful. I think through many of these items on a regular basis, even now.

Though I have checked with professionals to be sure I’m not suggesting anything harmful, *this is NOT advice from a doctor or psychologist. It is simply what I would say if we had a chance to sit down and talk, friend to friend. If you want to pass this information along to others, you are welcome to send them a link to this post or walk them through it.

Name it: Depression. Naming it is the first step in grabbing ahold of it rather than letting it hold and drag you around. If you acknowledge you are feeling or beginning to feel depressed, you can do things to adjust thought patterns and work to create a safe and stable environment for you and your family. But don’t stop here. Conquer the fear in depression by taking steps toward getting back to your life.

Talk about it. You, your doctor and people in close relationship with you need to take your mental state seriously so you can work together to create and execute a plan (which may include antidepressants, counseling, etc.). Tell them and let them know you need help. Your spouse or others close to you may be struggling too, so working together is vitally important. Think and pray through these things with someone you trust, then take action.

Assess and adjust for your sleep needs. How much sleep are you getting? Too much or too little sleep can affect your mental health. If you are sleeping more than usual, it’s time to get out of bed and get dressed. Come up with an incentive or goal that gets you out of bed. If you are sleeping less than usual, what steals your sleep? Is it something you have control over? If so, what can you do to keep from robbing yourself of sleep? If not, is there something others could do to share the nighttime responsibilities or give you a chance to nap during the day? Do you have a friend you can regularly swap kids with? Can you afford a sitter for 3 hours a couple of times a week? Does your doctor suggest sleep meds?

Assess and adjust your food intake. Are you eating a variety of healthy foods? Are you eating enough? If you go to food for comfort, what alternatives can you opt for when you really want that sugary carbohydrate? I know from experience that they might be helpful in the moment but eating too much of them can do serious harm to your long-term physical and mental health.

Identify and plan for overwhelming factors. When did you feel overwhelmed in the last few days? What was going on during those times? What sensory stimuli were you experiencing in that moment (sight/taste/smell/touch/sound)? What changes can you make or what help can you ask for in order to avoid or cope with these emotional and sensory stimuli that make you feel overwhelmed?

Identify and plan for current stressors. How are your relationships? Do you feel disconnected with your spouse? Are there situations in your life that you are dreading or anxiously awaiting? Do you avoid thinking about a situation or person for some reason? Is there someone in your life (trusted advisor, spiritual director, counselor, pastor, etc.) you would be willing to talk to about these things?

Identify and utilize your stress-relievers. What inspires you or reminds you of a deeper truth than you feel in the moment? What do you enjoy doing? How do you like to exercise? Find time every day or so to work on something you enjoy. What time of day could you do that without neglecting kids? If sensory stimuli overwhelm you, fight back with positive sensory stimuli. What do you enjoy looking at, smelling, touching and listening to? (The feel of a basketball, music with a strong and deep beat, a hot bath, sugar scrub for your hands and body, etc.) Perhaps you could put inspiring scripture or quotes up in strategic places with sticky notes. Write your stress-relievers down and take action to add these things to your home and daily existence! If you have other stress-relieving ideas, please share them in the comments below.

Prepare for productivity. What time of day is your “up” time when you feel the best? Use this time for active endeavors that are difficult when you feel down. Prepare meals ahead of time, vacuum or de-clutter. (Clutter can have a negative effect on our brains. Get rid of things you don’t need or really want.)

Plan ahead. In a good moment, think through your family’s practical needs, preferably with your spouse, roommate or trusted friend. What needs to happen this week? What is on the calendar? Create a plan of attack for potentially stressful events coming up. Think ahead about your meal plan at the beginning of the week so you don’t have to spend energy consumed with it three different times a day. What do you want to do for fun this week?

Do not over-spiritualize when you have serious physical needs. I want to reiterate that if you are suffering in deep depression, this is not a good time to let your mind think of what might have been or what you might be missing out on or your deep doubts about God. This IS a good time to say “it’s not as bad as my brain chemistry is telling me it is. It won’t always be like this.” And then go ahead and distract yourself with a healthy stress-reliever. Give yourself the grace to feel crummy without trying to analyze it. I have been there and I know how quickly those thoughts can lead you into a really dark place. Your family & friends need you. Don’t go there, friend.

It won’t always be like this.

Seek help immediately if you have thoughts of suicide. You are Loved and your presence in the world absolutely makes a difference. It may not feel like it in this moment, but what you feel or think right now may be skewed by brain chemistry. Please ask for help.

Is there something you would add to this list? Feel free to comment below. To read about my experience with depression and lessons learned through it, click on the following links:

When I Should Feel Joy #4: True Love

When I Should Feel Joy #5: Deeper Joy

Posted on Monday, January 19, 2015

When I Should Feel Joy #4: True Love

I was so afraid that God was shaking his head as he looked on me that I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, either. When I did lift my gaze, all I seemed to see was God’s profile. Maybe he was not only shaking his head at me, maybe he wasn’t even looking. Maybe he turned his head when I called out to him. What’s the point of talking to a god who doesn’t see me? It’s humiliating.

And yet, I felt something stirring. Deep-seeded belief kept whispering Don’t give up…Wait for it…

From When I Should Feel Joy #3

Seventeen months after the experience of childbirth that sent me in a tailspin, I joined thirty other men and women for a week with Dr. Larry Crabb for his School of Spiritual Direction. Attending had been a goal of mine for years but when I arrived I knew it was much more than an item to check of my bucket list. I pulled into the Glen Erie retreat center, greeted by an enormous red rock standing tall and strong and beautiful. It was time to take a leap of faith off of Mount Self-Protection and trust that God was going to catch me. I simply couldn’t live there any more.

It is amazing how much can happen in a heart that is open to receive what Love might offer.

At one point during class, something hit me. The words spoken weren’t magical. I think sometimes we over-estimate the value of words and forget to listen for what might be stirring in the heart.

My openness to Love was greater than my resistance to pain.

In that moment I was stirred up. My openness to Love was greater than my resistance to pain. I had to leave. I barely made it to the bed in my room before the sobbing began. Heart-whispers of Love held me securely as I recalled my physical and emotional and residual pain.

Heart-Whispers

I heard you when you called for me to save you.
I held you when you writhed in pain.
I stood watch when you lay awake in fear.
True Love was there
when you couldn’t find its shadow.

I am here.

Cry your heart out, my love.
My Love is unending and does not depend on what you bring.
You can depend on me.
True Love is dependable.
Shadows depend on light.

True Love is here.

I hear you now as you call to be filled.
I hold you now as you weep with hope.
I stand watch over your heart as you rest in peace,
Love.
Come out from the shadows.

You are here.

Speak
Hold
Dance
True Love.
Make shadows.

What happens in a relationship when someone says, “I am bursting with longing to love you freely, without demanding that you make me feel good about myself?”

Let me tell you.
There’s a lot less expectation, demand, dependence, pressure and ugly.
There’s a lot more forgiveness, sacrifice, offering, freedom and beauty.

When you know you are deeply seen and you carry deep weight that makes a difference, you do not have to demand others see and approve of you.
You seek forgiveness. You love regardless. You give boldly.

Sometimes I live like that. Sometimes I love like that.

I want to do it more. How about you?

When I Should Feel Joy #5: Deeper Joy

When I Should Feel Joy #4: True Love

11 Tips for Preventing and Fighting Depression

Posted on Tuesday, January 13, 2015

When I Should Feel Joy #3: Shame

I should have handled it better.
I should have been prepared.
I should have more to give.
I should get more done.
I should be happier.
I should be kind.
I should pray.

I couldn’t pray.

Praying evokes some sort of awareness of God’s presence and I didn’t want my heart to be in anyone’s presence. It’s hard to want to be around anyone when you feel disgraced:

When all was said and done, I felt I had failed this natural birth thing. I didn’t overcome anything or feel empowered like some women do. I felt dragged and beaten and terrified and discarded. That is really hard to say.…I felt my loss of control had embarrassed him (my husband). I couldn’t look him in the eye for fear of the disappointment I was sure I would see. ~From When I Should Feel Joy #1

My “should’s” slopped me in shame so all I wanted to do was hide. That’s what one does when covered in sticky, smelly sh*t. Cover. Hide. Blame. Get me outta here.

Shame doesn’t want to be near any person – much less God. And the truth doesn’t matter a whole lot when insurmountable feeling blocks reason. I couldn’t look my husband in the eye for months. He couldn’t convince me of anything. It didn’t take long before I realized all of this was about God, too.

What’s the point of talking to a god who doesn’t see me? It’s humiliating.

And yet, I felt something stirring. Deep-seeded belief kept whispering –Don’t give up…Wait for it…

This went on for a year. We made plans for me to have a week away at class with an author who mentored me through his books since I was in college. For a few more months I maintained the resolve to tread water and wait for time when I could slip away from the expectations of young motherhood and deal with all I had been avoiding. I needed those days without tangible responsibilities in order to untangle. And boy, was I tangled – strangled by my own fear.

Something had to give.

I had to give back to God something I had taken: the right to determine my own value.

To tuck in our hearts today:

Shame is not guilt. When I feel guilty for things I’ve done wrong, it’s like feeling the realistic weight or consequences of what I’ve done. Feeling that weight is heavy and sad but it also has a simple answer. I’m forgiven. Debt paid. Done. Guilt is eradicated by forgiveness. I am Loved and loveable, guilty or not.*Though I try not to seek it, I actually welcome guilt because I want to know the consequences of what I do. I don’t want to be oblivious to how I hurt others – I want to turn pain-infliction into healing-love. Forgiveness produces beautiful things like freedom and joy and love and gratitude.

Shame assumes my value goes up and down based on what I bring to the table. It isn’t surprised when I hide because it wants me to feel embarrassed when I don’t meet expectations. It assumes I will work hard to keep from being embarrassed. When I failed and couldn’t make up for it, I hid. I didn’t want anyone to see me like that.Whose expectations was I concerned about, anyway? Truth be known, I spent a lot of time comparing myself to my ideal self – the Andrea I always thought I could be: strong, competent, prepared, happy, kind, good, etc. When all of that unraveled, I didn’t know who I was or how to hold it together. Other people had expectations for me, as well. When I met their expectations I felt more valuable. When I didn’t, I felt worth less. Shame colored my vision of the past, present and future. I couldn’t feel the guilt that leads to forgiveness and love because I didn’t feel I was worth it.

I had to give back to God something I had taken:
the right to determine my own value.

Your value is NOT based on what you bring to the table. You are not an object to be assigned value by any person, including yourself. Your value is inherent in your being and is no more or less than any other human being’s value.

From the bottom of my forgiven heart:

YOU are Loved. Live it out loud.

*I do believe that I am Loved and loveable. But I also realize that when I hurt another, their trust in me is not automatically restored with forgiveness. Trust takes time and faithfulness.

You are welcome here – no matter how you think you may smell. Find me on Facebook or sign up here on WordPress for updates. I’d love to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Andrea Joy