I was so afraid that God was shaking his head as he looked on me that I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, either. When I did lift my gaze, all I seemed to see was God’s profile. Maybe he was not only shaking his head at me, maybe he wasn’t even looking. Maybe he turned his head when I called out to him. What’s the point of talking to a god who doesn’t see me? It’s humiliating.

And yet, I felt something stirring. Deep-seeded belief kept whispering                Don’t give up…Wait for it…

From When I Should Feel Joy #3

Seventeen months after the experience of childbirth that sent me in a tailspin, I joined thirty other men and women for a week with Dr. Larry Crabb for his School of Spiritual Direction. Attending had been a goal of mine for years but when I arrived I knew it was much more than an item to check of my bucket list. I pulled into the Glen Erie retreat center, greeted by an enormous red rock standing tall and strong and beautiful. It was time to take a leap of faith off of Mount Self-Protection and trust that God was going to catch me. I simply couldn’t live there any more.

It is amazing how much can happen in a heart that is open to receive what Love might offer.

At one point during class, something hit me. The words spoken weren’t magical. I think sometimes we over-estimate the value of words and forget to listen for what might be stirring in the heart.

My openness to Love was greater than my resistance to pain.

In that moment I was stirred up. My openness to Love was greater than my resistance to pain. I had to leave. I barely made it to the bed in my room before the sobbing began. Heart-whispers of Love held me securely as I recalled my physical and emotional and residual pain.

Heart-Whispers

I heard you when you called for me to save you.
I held you when you writhed in pain.
I stood watch when you lay awake in fear.
True Love was there
when you couldn’t find its shadow.

I am here.

Cry your heart out, my love.
My Love is unending and does not depend on what you bring.
You can depend on me.
True Love is dependable.
Shadows depend on light.

True Love is here.

I hear you now as you call to be filled.
I hold you now as you weep with hope.
I stand watch over your heart as you rest in peace,
Love.
Come out from the shadows.

You are here.

Speak
Hold
Dance
True Love.
Make shadows.

What happens in a relationship when someone says, “I am bursting with longing to love you freely, without demanding that you make me feel good about myself?”

Let me tell you.
There’s a lot less expectation, demand, dependence, pressure and ugly.
There’s a lot more forgiveness, sacrifice, offering, freedom and beauty.

When you know you are deeply seen and you carry deep weight that makes a difference, you do not have to demand others see and approve of you.
You seek forgiveness. You love regardless. You give boldly.

Sometimes I live like that. Sometimes I love like that.

I want to do it more. How about you?

When I Should Feel Joy #1: Unprepared

When I Should Feel Joy #2: Postpartum Depression

When I Should Feel Joy #3: Shame

When I Should Feel Joy #4: True Love

When I Should Feel Joy #5: Deeper Joy

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